Hi! Just completed my Temple admission essay but I need help revising! Please let me know what to improve on.
Prompt: Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation. What would yours say?
Growing up, I was always told to strive and be the greatest. No matter how old I get, that mentality will never change. A decade ago, I became a proud graduate of Temple University. The impact Temple has had on my life over the last ten years is great. My quest in becoming the next head coach in the NFL is indicative of the skills I've learned during my time at Temple. I was provided with the tools necessary to succeed and was taught responsibility, consistency, and commitment. I never fully understood the meaning of what it meant to become "Temple Made" until after I graduated. Putting everything this university has taught me into what I do today, has allowed me to accomplish goals I could only dream of.
While receiving my Master's in Athletic Training, I was a graduate assistant for the Temple Owls football team. I would spend the next two years becoming a student of the game, and learning how to become an effective coach. After the completion of my degree, my life changed forever. I was offered a position on the coaching staff to be a linebacker and special teams coach. Five years later, I would be offered a spot as the defensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens. Attaining the rank of an NFL coach was truly astounding. The amount of work and patience it took to assist in coaching players and creating effective game plans was challenging. Yet no matter the task, I was not only prepared, but effective in my coaching style. I was able to exhibit leadership and connect with the players. As a coach, my goal isn't just to enhance each player's skill level. I want them to take something from what they experience as football players in order to mold them responsible men that lead by example. Temple has provided me with the tools and knowledge on how to accomplish my greatest goals.
Through my experience, I've also been able to give back to my community. I've started several charity organizations including the Wallace Foundation and the Mentor's Club. The Wallace Foundation is a non-profit organization that influences young kids to utilize their full potential through athletics, academics, and positive role models. The Mentor's Club is a chain of recreational facilities that are open to young children looking for a place to study, learn, have fun and meet new people. Through these programs, I hope that I can make a difference in the lives of our youth who will set the standards of the future. My actions have been noticed, as the NFL Players Association has nominated me two consecutive years for the Byron "Whizzer" White Award for outstanding community service.
The knowledge and skills I've gained from this university have taken me to great heights. None of this would have ever been possible without the guidance and preparation provided to me by Temple. As I begin the next chapter of life, I hope to accomplish even more than I have in the first decade. I am a proud graduate of Temple, and plan to show the world what it means to be Temple Made.
Looks good, just needs some technical work.
My quest in try replacing in with "to become" or something like that.
Putting everything this university has taught me into what I do today, no need for a comma here.
has allowed me to accomplish goals I could only dream of. avoid ending with "of." Try something like "has allowed me to accomplish goals of which I could only dream."
I would spendReplace with "spent" the next two years becoming a student of the game.
I would beSame as above offered a spot as the defensive coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens
assist in coaching players and creating(Correct form here is "create") effective game plans was challenging.
I want them to take something from what they experience as football players in order to mold them (into) responsible men that lead by example.
The Wallace Foundation is a non-profit organization that influences (imo, the word "encourage" works better here. Small change, but I think it helps) young kids to utilize their full potential through athletics, academics, and positive role models.
