I am not finished with it yet, but I just wanted to see how it seemed so far. I am applying for Diagnostic Medical Ultrasound program at my school, and they require 500 word max. I'm at about 460 words, and I still have to think of a nice ending conclusion. Any tips, suggestions or ideas would definitely be appreciated!
"Wow, what is that?" as my nine-year-old self questioned the monitor with excitement. I was witnessing my first ultrasound session of my soon-to be little sister. Due to my family's professions, I was exposed to the world of diagnostic imaging at a young age, but nothing prepared me for the moment I found ultrasound. I couldn't help but be drawn by the sonographer's ability to ease my parents with her insight, and the way she maneuvered the probe, affecting the moving image on the screen. My aspiration to become a sonographer originated right then and there, and since then, I have done everything I could to bring me closer to my dream.
My journey started in high school, where I took active steps to put me out on the field. I began volunteering at Evergreen Hospital, which helped me familiarize the whole feel and setting of the medical environment. I chose Diagnostic Ultrasound as my senior project, which challenged me to dig into the profession deeper. I spent months researching and writing papers about the complex types of ultrasound, and their importance to medical diagnostics. Not only did I learn the technical side of ultrasound, but I also arranged interviews and shadow experiences with already established sonographers. At Evergreen, I shadowed three different departments of ultrasound: breast, general/OBGYN, and echocardiography, where I learned each had its own personality. I was shown the specific differences in procedures, purpose and objectives of each type. Since I had given myself a feel of the types of ultrasound, I broadened my range, and shadowed sonographers at Harborview for a week. Doing so helped me prepare for challenges that I may meet at different environments. My shadowing experience gave me more understanding towards becoming a better aspiring sonographer. I wanted to give myself as much experience as I could to prepare myself for the program, so with the knowledge of the profession down, I motivated myself to become more involved with direct and interactive patient care. I accomplished over three hundred classroom and clinical hours at a local health and rehabilitation center before becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant. Through my clinical work, I acquired the necessary skills and mental preparation for providing for the patients. The quick-paced and demanding duties encouraged me to handle working under extreme pressure and stressful situations efficiently, but also allowed me to build strong connections with my patients on a personal level. I felt this experience prepared me for any obstacles I could potentially encounter (mostly with direct patients) in ultrasound and the program. After my experience as a CNA, I ventured out into the world of health care employment. I began my working experience at Evergreen in Central Sterilization, where I learned to collaborate closely with other members of the hospital of all units.
Hello,
What I first noticed was the second sentence can be revised so it is not in passive voice: "I WITNESSED my first ultrasound of my unborn sister."
"My journey started in high school, where I took active steps to put me out on the field." The word "active" is redundant.
"I began volunteering at Evergreen Hospital, which helped me familiarize MYSELF WITH the whole feel and setting of the medical environment."
"I chose Diagnostic Ultrasound as my senior YEAR project, which challenged me to (dig into the profession deeper)." I would advise to say "which challenged me to delve/dig deeper into the profession."
"Evergreen, I shadowed three different departments of ultrasound: breast, general/OBGYN, and echocardiography, where I learned each had its own personality ." You explain what you were taught in the following sentence. This part is not necessary.
"Doing so HAS helped me prepare for THE challenges that I may meet FACE at WITHIN different environments. "
GOOD LUCK!
Thank you SOOO much :)
Your input helped me a lot
Here is the conclusion I have , I'm not too sure about it though ><
I began my journey to ultrasound as early as possible, taking any opportunity that came my way to progress and made sure no pit stops were made. I am eager to keep learning and improving for the program, the people I can help, and myself, so that possibly one day, I can be in that ultrasound room, this time hearing an inspired child ask me, "Wow, what is that?".
I am glad I can help!
I have a very hard time with writing as well. I have 7 essays to send off for university transfer applications, so I hope once I post something, people will offer advice :)
So, I think you last sentence is somewhat wordy and includes quite a few 'commas'.
"I began my journey to ultrasound as early as possible, taking any opportunity that came my way to progress and made sure no pit stops were made. CONTINUING MY EDUCATION FOR THE PROGRAM IS MY ULTIMATE INTENT (I think that it is assumed that upon education you will improve yourself, therefore, I do not see it necessary to include "learning and improving". But after all, it is your paper :) ). I am eager to keep learning and improving for the program, the people I can help, and myself, so that possibly one day , I HOPE THAT ONE DAY I AM FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE I can be in that ultrasound room, this time hearing an inspired child ask me, "Wow, what is that?"."
