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".. after I took a law class" - Penn State Personal Statement


Danielle7000 1 / -  
Oct 10, 2010   #1
All my life I have been moved around, state to state, school to school. I have attended a number of schools, made numerous friends, and always kept my grades up. Even though I have moved around so much and gone to so many different schools I have always done well in all of my classes. Moving around did not stir my learning capability. Naturally, I am a very shy person, but I have always managed to make the best of friends. I've lived in small towns my entire life, but that never held me back from big dreams.

My sophomore year in high school is when I decided what I wanted to be. I took a law class my school offers, and I fell in love. I've always had a passion for government and the justice system, but until that class I had no clue as to what I wanted to go to college for. Everyday I was excited to go to that class to learn more about the judicial system and all the different levels of law. I plan on going to law school after college and I believe that Penn State will be the best school to prepare me for that.
AMazz 3 / 6  
Oct 10, 2010   #2
I like that it is quick and says a lot efficiently, but some sentence variety would make this statement flow better to someone who is reading it. It seems somewhat like a list instead of a personal statement.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 13, 2010   #3
Moving around did not stir my learning capability. I want to get rid of this, because you already talked about "moved" and "moving" a few times.

Naturally, I am a very shy person, but I have always managed to make the best of friends. I've lived in small towns my entire life, but that never held me back from big dreams.---It seems like you are just listing random facts about yourself. I think you should make sure each paragraph explains ONE big idea.

One paragraph = one idea.

That means for an essay of this length you have to choose a two part theme... one idea for each paragraph. They will be related. Introduce the most important idea in the first paragraph, and give a secondary idea in the second.

:-)


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