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'toothless smile and smelly diapers' - UC Essay Prompt #2


M_Squared 3 / 8 1  
Nov 21, 2012   #1
A heartwarming toothless smile. Changing smelly diapers. Feeding with a gentle hand. The elderly. Having a job at a nursing couldn't possibly be better than this.

Debra, my aunt, granted me with the chance to work at her nursing home when I was twelve years old. Always, I've had a strong desire to care for the elderly so I thought, "Why not take the job." I arrived to an atmosphere of such contentment and tranquility, one could not imagine a nursing home would be as delightful as my aunts'. In fact, I worked for free and continued to do so for the next five years-but without the interaction between me and the residents, evidently, my working experience would mean nothing.

Each resident had an interesting background and unique personality. I recall meeting sweet, little Jean when I was twelve during my first week of the job. With her curly, fluff, silvery, hair, a lovable smile, petite stature, it's impossible to not burst "Aww!" with her childlike presence and qualities. Oh, but I cant forget Sam. Sam the man was one brave soul. A World War II veteran, big in height, with a booming, projective voice, early in his nineties reminisced the days of being a youth in the navy. "U.S.S. Nevada PB-36. Look it up and I guarantee you'll find somethin'." Sam could chatter for days about his petrifying experience of the attack on Pearl Harbor a being young crew member of the battleship stated above. Then there's Vada. Mean ol' Vada with her sweet and sour personalities. She and her husband worked for the CIA most of their lives, which explains why she always seemed so suspicious of everyone around her. Despite her backlashes, I helped her in and out of bed, fed her, and spent time with her. Eventually, she grew comfortable enough to poke friendly banter at me and vice versa. These were the times I knew this job was perfect for me.

The sights, the smells, the interactions. They all contribute to my love of working at my aunts' nursing home. But most of all, the impact these three residents have on me are the reasons I'm drawn back year after year.
3coolnys 1 / 3  
Nov 21, 2012   #2
I love the imagery and the descriptions within your essay. I can imagine myself in your shoes, admiring the relationship between myself and the children and elderly. I think you wrote a great introduction that really draws the reader in from the use of short sentences.

Here are some errors:

I recall meeting sweet, little Jean when I was twelve during my first week of the job.
Since you mentioned "when I was twelve years old" in the second paragraph, it is a little repetitive

I also think that the conclusion should be more clear because it is somewhat confusing. The first time I read it I can't tell if "They" meant the traits you mentioned in the previous sentence or the people you met in the nursing home. I suggest you combine the first two sentences in the conclusion. In addition, I think you should mention the names of the three residents, too. I don't think "the smells" is necessary because all I see from the essay that contributes is "smelly diapers". If you want to keep "the smells," then I suggest you describe that somewhere in one of your relationships with the residents. You have "the sight" and "the interactions" weaved in the third paragraph, so might as well do so for "the smells".

You should emphasize a little more of who you are because I see that most of the essay talks about your experiences. Yes, it is clear that you love nursing, but I think you should write some more of how it makes you proud and who you are.
OP M_Squared 3 / 8 1  
Nov 21, 2012   #3
Thank you very, very much!
grateful1 6 / 17 1  
Nov 21, 2012   #4
You are a tlented writer for sure, but just make sure you dont lose site of the fact that this essay is about you
emilyc28 5 / 33  
Nov 21, 2012   #5
You should explain more about how this experience impacted who you are today. We get a sense of the environment and the details are good, but we don't learn very much about you.
OP M_Squared 3 / 8 1  
Nov 21, 2012   #6
Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback


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