Why I'm a top cadidate for Einstein MC Philadelphia program - Radiologic Technology

Hello guys I have been trying to get this down.
The criteria for the essay is
compose an essay of 150 words or less stating
why you are pursuing a career in Radiologic Technology and
why you are a top candidate for the Einstein Medical Center Philadelphia program.
150 is not much room to work oringaly I started out with 205 then got it down to 170
Any input would much appreciated!!!!!!

​I am pursuing a career in radiologic technology because while working at Temple University Hospital, I have had the opportunity to observe multiple radiologic procedures as well as being treated as a patient for a shoulder dislocation. I am very intrigued with how the studies reveal the anatomy and physiology of the human body. My experience showed me how radiology is an important piece of the healthcare system and a key aspect of the diagnosis and treatment of patients.

​ I am fascinated with technology and its constant evolution. I feel I am a foremost candidate for Einstein's School of Radiologic Technology because I have patience and a strong sense of empathy. I have the communication skills required to succeed in this field. I have great attention to detail for the information I receive as well as the information I need to pass on. I feel the training and skills that Einstein can provide will make me a valuable part of a modern healthcare team and allow me to grow professionally and personally

... What happened first? I mean your shoulder dislocation or Work at Uni? If your shoulder problem happened before the other, then start with that and tell your work opportunity strengthened that desire. In whatever order, you need to treat these two incidents separately.

Having watched someone perform radiology isn't a reason to spend the rest of your life doing it.

The grammar problem here is that almost every sentence begins with the word "I" (and the one that doesn't begins with "my").

Check this out:


While working at Temple University Hospital, I became intrigued with the human anatomy and physiology.

I made a typo above. This is what I really meant:

While working at Temple University Hospital, I became intrigued with human anatomy and physiology.

I forgot to delete the word "the."

Sorry about that.

Thanks for the for the imput how does this sound now excuse Grammer

While working at Temple University Hospital, I was introduced to radiology when I suffered a shoulder dislocation on the job. In the radiology department the Rad Techs explained the studies reveal the anatomy of the human body giving the medical team a different view on the human body without having to do any surgery. Soon I learned from the docotors radiology is an important piece of the healthcare system and a key aspect of the diagnosis and treatment of their patients. Intrigued with the knowledge gain though my injury. I found diagnostic imaging an amazing field to be apart of that will allow me to have direct involvement with patients as well as working closey with physicians. With technology and health care constantly evolving this field promises to continue to grow and expand.

Much better!

I will look at it again this evening and provide more feedback.

Thank you :D in going to see what i can do with the other half can't wait to see your feed back later in the evening