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"a top-rate education in international business" Common App - (Only applying for NYU)


jullyzhong92 1 / 1  
Mar 1, 2011   #1
I am an international student, so if anyone finds this essay horrible that may be one of the reasons. I personally don't really like my essay. I worked with a tutor, and this is the final version of it. I think it's pretty boring, however, it does answer to the question below. It also talks about my personal skills and interests.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

My objective is to receive a top-rate education in international business. I speak tree languages: English, Spanish and Cantonese, which I plan to implement with a bachelor's, and eventually a master's degree in business and work in international trade. NYU is a logical choice because of its commitment to globalization, its faculty and student body. Although I have travelled the world I need to build a solid academic foundation. Essentially, I want to learn and grow under the guidance of professors who know about international trade, and from colleagues who are from different continents. NYU offers opportunities that are not available at too many institutions - keys to understanding global commerce, which is based on its faculty and resources. Additionally, a multi-cultural student body not only fosters the exchange of ideas, but an integral part of having a well-rounded education.

Transferring is not a whim, but a carefully thought out decision. Currently, I attend St. Francis College, and I hold a 3.87 GPA. I am an avid reader of the Financial Times, Wall Street Journal, and the Economist, but I desire studying and having challenges. St. Francis College lacks the resources I want in a school. NYU's library and faculty, on the other hand, are second to none. I am interested in learning from professors who are at the top in their fields, and demand excellence. Moreover, NYU's student body is among the best in the nation, which would allow me to interact and learn from them. Having an opportunity to get an education at NYU is a privilege and an honor, and I hope that I am afforded that opportunity.

As a Chinese girl growing up in Venezuela I was not accepted by my peers. During the summer my mother and I would visit relatives in Guangzhou and Hong Kong, and I was always looked upon as an outsider. Almost two years ago when I moved to New York, I finally felt accepted by others. I no longer had the feeling that I was straddling two worlds. Although I grew up as an outsider, it forced me to read and become curious about the world. New York makes me feel very comfortable with my nationality and ethnicity.

One day while sitting in Washington Square Park I saw four NYU students, two Asians, a European, and an African speaking in broken English about the U.S. economy. Although I could not hear the entire conversation, they were ultimately complaining about an assignment a professor gave, which made me wish I was one of them. I, for some reason, thrive in an environment with colleagues who are from around the world. This might be due to summer English classes I took in San Francisco and Tarrytown, NY before settling in New York City. Both programs contained students from across the globe, and I did very well. I believe it is because the environment where I grew up helped me to get along with people from different cultures. Moreover, it helped me to speak Cantonese and Spanish very well. Now, learning English is an everyday affair.

In closing, I know the committee reading my statement reads scores of them. I hope I am selected and given the opportunity to prove myself. I am a determined young woman who wants to achieve an education from a top-flight institution, where I can feel comfortable, learn and grow academically and socially. Thank you, in advance, for your time and consideration.

I thank you all, in advance for reading it, commenting, and correcting.
I appreciate it a lot!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 3, 2011   #2
My objective is to receive a top-rate education in international business. I speak tree languages: English, Spanish and Cantonese, which I plan to implement with a bachelor's, and eventually a master's degree in business and work in international trade.

tree three

One day while sitting in Washington Square Park I saw four NYU students, two Asians, a European, and an African speaking in broken English about the U.S. economy. Although I could not hear the entire conversation, they were ultimately complaining about an assignment a professor gave, which made me wish I was one of them. I, for some reason, thrive in an environment with colleagues who are from around the world.---oh... beautiful.. I like it a lot. Please move this to the top!!Make this the beginning of the essay.

As a Chinese girl growing up in Venezuela I was not accepted by my peers. During the summer my mother and I would visit relatives in Guangzhou and Hong Kong, and I was always looked upon as an outsider. Almost two years ago when I moved to New York, I finally felt accepted by others. I no longer had the feeling that I was straddling two worlds. ---Very good, here... This is excellent writing.

Okay, I don't want to give much advice, because you are as eloquent as I am. Just experiment with putting these in a different order. I mean... put the paragraphs in a different order... with the powerful ones first!

Cut the first sentence of the essay, and replace it with a sentence about what you see when you look into your future.

:-)


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