Please review my essay and be as critical as you have to! Thank You.
Prompt: Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.
Topic: Topic of your choice.
A Friday I will never forget
I was in the car driving to a school I have never seen but I knew so much about. I didn't know what to expect. I came from Overton high school and I hated it. I hated the environment, the students, the teachers, the food and anything else that had to do with it. So I thought that this school couldn't be any worse. I had imagined what it would be like, from the lighting, to the classrooms, to the students, which each time seemed to be different from the last. I was terrified of what to expect and part of me wanted to chicken out and go back home, but as I thought of what I would be going back to I decided to face the fear of what this school was like. Before I knew it, my mom was at the driving in the gate of the school, she just as nervous as I, and she pulled into a parking space in front of the door. It was sunny, quiet, and peaceful day outside and the school had many trees in which to make it more beautiful. I let my mom get out of the car first, I was too afraid to step out first. We walked to the door in a way that you could tell that we were both trying very hard not to get in front of the other because neither one of us wanted to get to the door first but we had to. As we approached the door, on top of it read something of another language "Veritas Honorque", it could be Spanish or French. I can not remember whether I or my mom opened the door, all I remember is walking into MUS.
In front of me there were 2 glass doors that went outside of the school, centering it. There were 6 couches, 3 to one side of me and 3 to the other side. As, I walked down the hall towards the office, I saw a small frame that read "Welcome Thomas Silas from Overton High School", my mom found that very awesome for some reason so she kept the paper and I still have it to this day. For some reason I cannot recall what exactly happened but I do know that I talked to someone that asked about the classes I needed to take and we discussed sports and other things that he thought I might be interested in doing. After we were finished the conversation a student came in the office, who I was told was in my grade (9th) and he would lead me around the school. He and I left the office leaving my mom behind and started walking into a hallway which I know is the Freshman Hall. I was shocked to the things I saw, there were backpacks littered all over the floor and all lockers had no locks. At Overton, either of these actions would result in them being stolen in the next 10 minutes. The wide blue lockers held no locks to protect them from others which amazed me; I had never seen school lockers without some sort of lock. I had heard of their honor code, but I did not think that it was believed in that much. The student showed me around the campus which I never thought would be so big, clean, and inviting. I have never seen these qualities in any school I have previously been to; All day the only word I could think of was "WOW". At around 12 o'clock, he and I went to lunch. Unlike any other cafeteria I had known, the floor of this schools cafeteria was carpeted, just like the rest of the building. Like every other area of the school, the area where you get your food was abnormal to me. There was a salad bar, drink machines, more than one selection of main course food, snacks, and even ice cream. When I first went into the room I was more concerned with observing the room than getting my food. I got pizza with fries and a coke. My food was free since I was a visitor so I walked back into the cafeteria. I sat down at the table with student at a table with people I did not know, but I was still more concerned with the food in front of me than the people around me. I had always hated school food, I hardly ever ate it. The food in front of me looked normal, but I was still scared of what to expect. I pulled of a piece and ate it and to my surprise, it was good and the fries were delicious and crunchy. I never expected the food to taste good, that thought never crossed my mind. After lunch I went to the Foyer, which is the doorway area where my mom and I came into, and I talked/asked questions about the school and its activities. At about 1 o'clock my tour ended and my mom picked me up. As we drove out of the gate and away from the school I started to think. Would I ever be good enough for this school, would my family ever be able to afford it, and if they could would I be able to handle it. Those questions bothered me for weeks. As time came I thought I would never be able to get into the school, especially since most students were probably more intelligent and dedicated than me. At the end of the school year I received a envelope from MUS, it was the letter I had been waiting so long for, the letter that would change the course of my life. One and a half years later I am hear at MUS, my school, typing a college paper that will hopefully help me go to get into this school. MUS has taught me more in my 2 years than I have been taught all the years of my life. It taught me to not doubt myself, it taught me to just keep working harder when things get tough, and it also taught me that I can overcome any challenge if I just work hard enough. I want to face new, harder challenges so I can become a better person so that I can one day be the person in the question that I was asked when I was little "What do you want to be when you grow up". Your school is in my plans to be that person and I promise that I won't disappoint you in excelling.
One of the things they mentioned was that you can use this opportunity to demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts. So... use some paragraphs! This should not be so much like a story. You should show that you can structure an essay well.
That means you have to take a hard look at this and decide what the main theme is. Write a paragraph about that main theme, and let that paragraph be the intro. Start that intro paragraph with a strange sentence that intrigues and grabs the attention.
Now, after making a killer intro paragraph, you can keep most of this the way it is. I don't mean to sound critical, because you write well. But give them their structure. That means divide this into paragraphs, condense them, and give each paragraph a topic sentence.
At the end, reflect meaningfully, and then add one final thought that can enrich the reader's experience.
That'll impress them. That is the structure. It actually is not very hard, because it is all about a single theme. What's your theme?
