Topic B (freshman)- Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
This is a rough draft. Could you please help me with errors & suggestions to improve my essay. The paragraph in which I talk about Costa Rica is questionable. Please help. Also, should I change my introduction?
My mother and I vacationed in Costa Rica for a week this past summer. I'll never forget the Costa Rican woman I was seated next to in the plane. She told me how she had never left Costa Rica in her whole life, but a week ago she won a trip to Las Vegas. She said she was scared when she left the airport, because it was so bright. She had never seen so many lights, and people all in one place. I sympathized with her, but I did not realize what she meant until I arrived at the capital, San Jose. I kept searching for lights and tall office buildings. But soon I realized I was looking for something that wasn't there. Although, Costa Rica is hardly industrialized and most residents live in poverty, in each cabin or hotel we stayed at all encouraged us to reuse our towels, turn off our lights, and recycle. The light bulbs, if any were nearly always fluorescent no matter where we were. As we adventured into every shop and small restaurants whether we were in San Jose or Puerto Limon we were always given three options: Paper, plastic, and glass. I was confused as to how a third world country seemed to be doing more for its environment then the United States.
I was equally transformed by the local recycling center a few miles from my backyard. It was a simple trailer with several bins for the few contributors. There were only three volunteers, one being myself, and I was the only high school student. Martha was one of the volunteers I worked with; together we assembled bins and placed adhesive stickers on them. The adhesive stickers had information on what can be recycled, when, and where. Together we expanded the recycling community by offering to put out the bins to anyone interested. I placed several bins at the city pool I worked at next to the Coca Cola vending machines, and provided several to my friends. In the time I have lived in Alpine the Recycling center has expanded increasingly; it has moved from a trailer to a permanent site. The hours have expanded from only Saturday to every day of the week, and the partakers are continual.
Recycling is a great way to get started fighting global warming, because landfills filled with our garbage produce a dangerous greenhouse gas called methane. These simple actions can make a big difference in fighting global warming with recycling and reducing the garbage accumulating in landfills. National governments can only do so much to help reduce greenhouse gasses. Helping people become more aware and take action of what can easily be done to contribute to such a huge cause. It is up to everyone as a whole to do their part. People have not been changing when faced with the hard evidence of global warming; we are going to have to change before we are in the midst of a crisis, before it is simply too late.
Yes, the Costa Rica section is the strongest part of the essay. The introduction is weak. "Global warming has been becoming a problem throughout the years."
I suggest that you start with Costa Rica, back up to talk about why global warming is an issue of importance to you, move onto the recycling center (being sure to explain how recycling combats climate change), and then conclude with specific ideas about what you will do about global warming during and after your college career.
Have you ever thought about global warming and its effects on the earth? What have you done to reduce greenhouse gases? Global warming has been becoming a problem throughout the years. Global warming can affect habitats, ecosystems, and communities. Most national governments have been working on ways to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, but what about civilians? We may have some opportunities to help reduce gas emissions such as using hybrid cars, but what about the cost? The solution to solving global warming is by working together as a society.
^I am sure that whichever Universities you are applying to, have people on the Admissions Board that are educated enough to know what global warming is. I also think that most people know the effects of global warming, and that there have been attempts to reduce it. Your ending line is ineffective as your first. It is always easy to come with some grand solution, however implementing it is always the difficulty. I also doubt that a teenager such as yourself, can possibly implement that solution.
Your first line challenges your readers, and not necessarily in a positive way. It makes it seem as if you assume your readers are ignorant.
Quite frankly, you can remove the whole paragraph.
Although, Costa Rica is hardly industrialized and lives mostly in poverty, in each cabin or hotel we stayed at all encouraged us to reuse our towels, turn off our lights, and recycle.
^-The country does not live in poverty. It's people do.
-I do not get the second part of your sentence. It is not expressed clearly. It is in need of some revision in order for the message to be communicated effectively.
The light bulbs, if any were nearly always fluorescent no matter where we were. As we adventured into every shop and small restaurants, whether we were in San Jose or Puerto Limon, we were always given three options: Paper, plastic, and glass. I was so confused as to how a third world country seemed to be doing more for theirit's environment then the United States. Weren't we supposed to be a world power, a country people look to?
^We, as in your mother and yourself? Or USA? Revise
Also, people do not 'look to' the USA.
I think I know what you mean^, but you need to revise the sentence.. Look to the US in terms of what? Economic power?
If it is because USA is such an economic powerhouse, USA may not be too concerned with the environment because it reduces it's efficiency and thus income and revenues. Rather the US may want to cut costs as much as possible, even if it is at the expense of the environment. So that may be a possible answer as to 'why'?
It is just 'possible'
I was equallytransformed by the local recycling center a few miles from my backyard. It was a simple trailer with several bins for the few contributors. There were only three volunteers, one being myself, and I was the only high school student. Martha was one of the volunteers I worked with; together we assembled bins and placed adhesive stickers on them. The adhesive stickers had information on what can be recycled, when, and where. Together we expanded the recycling community by offering to put out the bins to anyone interested. I placed the several bins at the city pool I worked at next to the Coca Cola vending machines, and to several of my friends.
^Just for clarification, was the city pool next to several of your friends?
Although the position isoften tricky, the personal rewards are beyond articulation.
^Poor sentence. What position? The position of the bin next to the city pool?
Do you know what articulation means?
In the time I have lived in Alpine the Recycling center has expanded increasingly,; it has moved from a trailer to a permanent site.
There are many ways to reduce the effects of global warming, from using hybrid cars to using less electricity; we only need to make it available to everyone.
^Make what available? Also, next year when I get my driving license, I will probably be getting some sports car or a G55, and I will sacrifice neither of these fuel guzzling options for a hybrid car. You make it sound as if reducing effects of global warming is possible, which it is, but worryingly, you make it sound as if it can be done easily. Realize, that people may not be willing to cooperate. And that is what makes it difficult. Availability may not necessarily be the issue here. Choice plays an important role. Availability may also be extremely expensive, and I doubt that any organization, when they realize the cost, will even want to consider such a plan.
-These are just my opinions. Take them or disregard them. However, I personally feel that those sentences show a lack of intellectual maturity since you fail to realize the bigger picture even though you seem to want to try and paint one.
National governments can only do so much to help reduce greenhouse gasses.
^Yes.
It is up to everyone as a whole to do their part.
^Yes, nearly everyone knows this. But then again, how many of these 'everyone' is willing to change their lifestyle. I have not read your final sentence, but are you going to do something about this then? If not, then remove this sentence.
*Getting sidetracked here.
Also, hybrid cars are known not to be very powerful. Supposed everyone used hybrid cars. Can you imagine how much that would suck? Wake up earlier to get to school/work. Ambulances and police cars will be slower. If a faster hybrid car was to be developed, can you imagine the cost of this? Dayum. I doubt the poverty situation will benefit much then.
People have not been changing when faced with the hard evidence of global warming; we are going to have to change before we are in the midst of a crisis, before it is simply too late.
^Yes, this is what environmentalists have been preaching for years now.
I think that this issue should be under the 'Topic of your choice' by the way.
Helping people become more aware and take action of what can easily be done to contribute to such a huge cause.
This is a sentence fragment. And, indeed, your conclusion is incomplete. Your two stories are very strong. Now, use some facts to show that you know that we are already in a crisis and to say more precisely how you will contribute to the solution.
By the way, methane from landfills is one climate-related reason to recycle, but the more important reason to reduce and reuse as well as recycle is the CO2 associated production and transportation of new goods.
