Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

UC Topic 1 - Independent Girl; Describe the world you come from

kathytheson 5 / 12  
Oct 14, 2012   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Please help me edit!! I'm starting to lose my writing creativity and I'm getting tired of writing these essays so please help me improve the best you can

I swiftly grab onto the steering wheel as the car starts swerving off of the road. I've already perfected the skill of driving from the passenger seat so the fear that used to consume me months ago has now passed. I could be in my cozy bed getting a couple hours of rest before my first day of middle school, but I'm replaying every night like the one before. Questions race through my mind as I wonder if every kid goes through what I have to suffer through every night. However, after every single one of those nights, my mother never fails to say, "Please don't turn out like me."

Majority of the time, my childhood depended on independence. I live in a town filled with wealthy people with nice things, but it doesn't mean I grew up in that area. I grew up with a Korean man that I began calling my dad, who took care of me during the nights my mom left to go out with her friends. I soon started feeling the sense of abandonment; I felt as if my mom didn't want me around her unless she was incoherent enough to stand my presence. The absence of my mom's love can be handled in two different ways. I can either mourn as if I have no future for myself without her, or I can use her lack of attention as a contribution to my success as a student-athlete. As young as I was, decision-making is something I wasn't very familiar with, however I faced reality early in my childhood. Independence and strength is my only answer if my family wasn't.

Growing up without the attention from your parents is a hard concept to grasp; as a child, I struggled through this multiple times at the age of 11, which only made me into a stronger person. Every time my mom turned me away, my determination grew. Every time my mom failed to help me with my math homework, my dedication to my schoolwork exceeded everyone's expectations. Every time I look into the stands and see an empty spot with my mom's name on it, I endure through the pain and push to do the impossible. Even though I don't have her watching me grow into a strong, independent woman, she'll soon look back, and be proud of how I used her past mistakes as a motivational tool to my success.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Oct 15, 2012   #2
Work on the beginning of this paper, make it clear what your topic is right away. The part about driving does not connect well to the rest of the paper. Be sure to shine the best light on yourself and try not to sound too negative. It makes me feel sad for you, but I don't think this is the best way to show yourself to admissions officials. So, in a straightforward way, explain that you were not nurtured or encouraged in a caring way. Explain why those experiences made you more independent and strong. Say why this strength will make you more resilient and capable of making it in this world. Say how you learned at a young age that the only one who will achieve your goals is you, and you have gained the confidence to do that. With these skills, you will be very successful and competitive, in order to excel in school and in the workplace. You can do it! Good luck in school :)

Home / Undergraduate / UC Topic 1 - Independent Girl; Describe the world you come from