Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.
Moving to a tremendously multicultural city like Hong Kong from Korea when I was ten allowed me to, for the first time in my life, go to school with friends from Nepal, Singapore, Japan, and other foreign places of the world. Instantly, I was spellbound by the seemingly colorful mixture of beliefs, values, and customs. Thus when many of my friends commonly identified themselves from a shared western perspective, rather then that of their ethnicities, I was strangely baffled. As time went by, I found myself greatly confused with my own identity and sinking into what seemed like a cultural mesh. However, despite the social pressure and internal struggle, I continued to spend time with my family for New Years instead counting down in parties. I continued to attend Korean school and began to love the Korean history classes that taught me more about my native country. I was surprised by how little I knew. Coming to Hong Kong and being able to study from such a diverse community allowed me to learn many things. Speaking English almost everywhere and "chilling" with my friends at movies and cafes, I learned how easy it is to slowly reject my traditional beliefs and consider myself "American." But that is not who I truly am. I learned to keep a positive attitude towards my own heritage and to deliberately build my identity considering what I am part of and what I believe. If and when people of the world have a strong sense of their identity, it brings a magnificent exchange of ideas. Recognizing myself first has enabled me to be accepting, as I understand and value the ideas of others. I hope to bring to University of Virginia not only my willingness to share my cultural identity, but also what I have learned about innovative and successful outcomes from open-mindedness and collaboration among a wide array of different views.
Please give me some feedback on:
-the organization and structure (It' be better if shorter: what can I cut out?)
-any word choice errors or grammatical mistakes
-most importantly, the context itself and how it fits the prompt!
Thank you so much, you are all so kind!
You should probably work on adding more specificity and clarity to your essay. For instance: "As time went by, I found myself greatly confused with my own identity and sinking into what seemed like a cultural mesh." What exactly did you find confusing? can you provide concrete examples of things that confused you? And when you say "Speaking English almost everywhere and 'chilling' with my friends at movies and cafes, I learned how easy it is to slowly reject my traditional beliefs" Do you mean that you now, having avoided this fate, avoid also ever speaking English, hanging out with friends, and watching movies? Or have you found a way to integrate these activities into a sense of identity that includes aspects from other cultural backgrounds? If so, which elements, and how?
Good advice from Sean! Also, break this up into 2 or 3 paragraphs for clarity. Most importantly, start and end with the profoundly meaningful answer to the question of WHO YOU ARE.
I am a product of my diverse experiences... tell who you are... Moving to the tremendously multicultural city of Hong Kong from Korea when I was ten enabled me to, for the first time in my life, go to school with friends from Nepal, Singapore, Japan, and other foreign places of the world.
Keep revising until it is even more powerful!!!
:)
