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A Touch of Tepper: CMU Supplement

eckspee 1 / -  
Nov 22, 2009   #1
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

A Touch of Tepper

As hackneyed as this is going to sound, a middle school dream directed me toward the path to the Tepper School of Business. My passion did not emerge from my success, if it were measured in money. But this is where my dream deviated from the usual “act cute and sell lemonade for 25 cents.” Rather than make pretend with a humble beginning, I strived to simulate the real thing. From this I developed my entrepreneurial mindset. When my eagerness met the thrill of business, I discovered my passion.

It all started on a humid August day. The refrigerator lacked crucial ingredients, but I couldn’t let business slow down. Thus, I elected to bike an exhausting two and a half miles to McCaffrey’s and bagged a pair of cantaloupes, a jar of apple sauce, a carton of lemonade, and probably some other unnecessary necessities. With groceries hanging on either side of the handlebar, the ride home proved to be much more strenuous. Constantly, I found myself stopping on the sidewalk to calm the melons from whacking the front wheel. About halfway through, a melon ate a hole in its bag and crossed the street! I hadn’t gone through all this trouble to give up my fantasy business, so I boldly rescued the cantaloupe from a juicy death. I stood on the sidewalk with one grocery bag and a predicament. However, with full determination, I biked with my ingredients to the nearby golf club, where I picked up reinforcement bags to endure the last mile home. There, I treated my family, as my customers, and myself to a refreshing smoothie.

This passion subdued momentarily upon entering high school. I couldn’t find an outlet that would produce a similar magnitude of excitement as that smoothie business. My desire finally took over and I yearned for something bigger than any school organization. And that was when I decided to start a fundraising project. Essentially fundraising is business. It requires the same management, marketing, accounting, and finance of any business. Except, for my age, I knew I could make more money for a charitable cause than for myself and I enjoyed every aspect of it.

The Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk for Susan G. Komen for the Cure introduced itself to me during my sophomore year. The whole idea of fundraising intrigued me, so I informed my peers of the endeavor, for support. One of my friends decided to join me in the venture. Although I saw her as a business partner, her addition to my team doubled the requirement, rendering me almost frightened of a potential $4,400 in my first ever fundraiser. I was either crazy or determined, and it’s probably both, and that goal eventually became a mere minimum. In a bright pink shirt, I brandished posters and sold banana bread outside the local supermarket. With irresistible charm, I solicited donations from every connection I had and requested matched gifts from the formerly known Merrill Lynch. I even received boxes on top of boxes of sleepwear and bath attire, ready to be exchanged for a step toward a cure. Business rewarded me with experience and pleasure.

The desire continued to thrive in my junior year through my school’s student-run Relay for Life, a similar cause and thrill. I perceived the opportunity as a competitive environment. As team captain, my team raised the most money for the event, at $3,000. Currently, I am the production committee chair for RFL, in charge of the creation of entire event. Our goal is set to beat last year’s amount of $25,000. And we will exceed the expected.

I consumed a sweet sample of my intended future in three week college course for Applied Economics and Management. Fascinated by the complexities of the financial world, I confirmed my fondness. I just wanted select a place that would embrace my adventurous nature the most.

I believe I fell in love in early October, upon attending a two hour praise of Carnegie Mellon University. Obama made CMU stand out when he stated that it is “a bold example of how to create new jobs and industries while transitioning to a 21st century economy." From its exhilarating urban environment to its diverse student population, its appreciation of both the arts and sciences to its variety of opportunities, and its prestigious academics to its impressive recruitment record, CMU entices me. Like every fruit smoothie needs a pinch of sugar, I need a touch of Tepper to blossom into a financial expert, and even into my middle school dream as a successful entrepreneur.
cchstroy 2 / 3  
Nov 22, 2009   #2
I don't know how you're gonna fit that on one page.
Good essay though, I suggest you write more about Carnegie Mellon, or at least tie in your aspirations to go there with your experiences.
Don't use the word: "just". To me it sounds really weak.
I am also applying here, and your essay is a lot better than mine. You tell your story really well and make it very interesting.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 25, 2009   #3
Yes, you seem way over a page, but the writing is so colorful and interesting! It's too bad you have to cut it down to size.

Check the verb tense:
Thus, I elected to bike ... and bag a...

Actually... above, your way is correct, too, but I think "bag" sounds better.

This is a cute story! Constantly, I found myself stopping on the sidewalk to calm swinging of the melons and prevent them from whacking the front wheel.

Wow, you have a great future as a writer. Your words are so interesting. For you, I recommend books by Ursula LeGuin. I like your style of writing.

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