Hello, Please look at my essays for Prompts #1 and #2 for UC admission. I really need help!
Prompt 1
Freshman applicants: Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Prompt #1
My Town, Rural Urbia
I was born the day we moved in. I live in a small coastal community in Northern California. There are no street lamps and no sidewalks. We have to go to the post office to get our mail and everyone knows each other. Our house is located down a dirt road and it's not uncommon to see horseback riders, deer, grey fox, bobcat or of course, the myriad raccoons and skunks. We've even heard wild pigs squealing across the road as they were running down the creek on a summer evening.
One would think this community is very rural and that we are poor and have a lot of hardship, but we are only thirty minutes from San Francisco.
This is a special place to live. In the summer months, fog abounds and one can hear in the distance the lonely fog horn. Our summer comes in September and October but the weather changes almost overnight and suddenly it becomes winter.
Our community is very close knit and we have the BEST Halloween celebration ever. Our streets have trees laden with moss and with no street lights or sidewalks which makes it especially spooky. All the little (and big) kids, parents included, get involved with the Halloween celebration. Everyone is excited and dresses up. The streets are barricaded and no cars are allowed through
This story isn't about a kid who has a lot of hardship. This is the story of a kid who loves his community, his friends and his family and has worked his hardest all his life because he has grown up living life by the motto, "Prosperity comes from hard work and dedication."
I know I am lucky to have two parents who have college degrees and challenging jobs that they both enjoy. We have a pretty nice house. What I can bring to college is hard work, optimism and hope. There are so many great people out there like those in my community who really care and I feed off of that attitude. It's contagious, you'll see.
Prompt 2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Can There Be Anything Good About Pad Stank?
One of the worst smelling things ever is the inside of a hockey bag. It is an indescribable olfactory assault that can't be washed out of the jerseys or the gear. I am told by anyone who sets foot in my room that there is a gut-wrenching stench that clings in the air.
To me, pad stank is invisible because I have always been an athlete and it comes with the territory. It started with soccer when I was a young child and as it turned out; I was assigned to the category of defense. I must've been good at it because that's always where my coaches used my talents, but like every player, I dreamed about scoring goals and becoming the hero of the game. When I was in elementary school, two of my friends and I began playing roller hockey in a recreational league. There was a nearby rink at our regional airport and we played hockey every summer all day long. Again, my coaches capitalized on my defensive skills. I found that the difference with hockey is that defensive players are allowed to jump up and score goals once and a while and then I knew that hockey was the perfect sport for me.
A brand new rink was built at my high school my freshmen year and my friend and I had the idea to create a high school hockey team. The high school had never had a hockey team before and we recruited the first club team. My hockey team wasn't the only one using this newly finished rink and many other leagues started using it during the regular hockey season and in the summer months. This turned out perfect for me because during the hockey off-season, there were lots of hockey camps that enticed young new players to try out hockey. By now I had loads of defensive experience, and I felt like I could contribute some of my experience and knowledge to the younger kids who were still learning how to play the game. The coach said that they really responded to my style and looked up to me so I decided to volunteer as a junior coach during the summers. I love teaching new players and seeing them respond to my coaching is rewarding. This experience has taught me great patience. For one thing it's a challenging sport mentally and physically and at that age, kids don't know how to work together as a team yet. It's a complex progression but it's really fun to see them develop their skills.
With team sports, such as hockey, one can develop strong bonds and a sense of camaraderie with teammates. My relationships have grown deeper with my teammates and we have become good friends over the years.
One of the proudest moments I've had as a player is when my high school coaches named me Team Captain this year. I was named Assistant Captain last year and that was special, but to have others recognize my leadership skills and name me captain is exceptionally rewarding.
Playing team sports has taught me discipline. Playing a team sport that is as demanding as hockey has taught me even more. I must plan and prioritize to get my work completed on time so that I can make practice which is the best reward of all.
I see my entry into college and furthering my academics as a continuation of this growth and development process that has been a part of me from the beginning. I find that I have actually been preparing for college for years. The discipline, the focus and leadership experience that I have developed will help me succeed in college.
And yes, there is something good about pad stank. It brings with it the exciting feeling that something is about to happen that's exhilarating and special. It's something that my teammates and I don't care about when we talk of the game we just played. Life is full of change and as I move on and meet new people, have new experiences and seek new opportunities, it will always be there, that familiar smell connecting my past to my future.
Hey! Maybe you should use some sort of word to show contrast and avoid using words such as "very" which have been overused and thusly lost real meaning.
"One would think this community is very<---(ambiguous) rural and that we are poor and have (perhaps put "accompanied with" in stead of and have) a lot of hardship, but (in actuality, or in reality) we are only thirty minutes from San Francisco."
Your Pad Stank essay is funny and upbeat! Good job
Our streets have trees laden with moss, and it has no street lights or sidewalks, which makes it especially spooky.---I added some commas and made a small change...
Right here at the end, it seems too preachy: It's contagious. ou'll see. I like it with just those 2 words as the last sentence.
Can't use "invisible" about a stank:
To me, pad stank is invisible not noticeable because I have always
I guess I do not like this sentence: I find that I have actually been preparing for college for years. It is normal to prepare for college for years.
This is good: The discipline, the focus and leadership experience that I have developed will help me succeed in college.
...that familiar smell connecting my past to my future.----great ending... (Kevin stands up and gives a round of applause)
:-) thanks for posting this!
