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'Track and Field' - UC Prompt #2


wyby45 3 / 8  
Nov 4, 2011   #1
I would like some feedback on my essay give me everything you guys got

Prompt#2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Running around and playing tag with my friends. I felt really fast and ran away from everybody. No one could touch me even when they surrounded me. I felt quite free whenever the adrenaline passes through my body. Who knew an activity I did a long time ago would influence greatly on what I do today.

I had always loved running against other people ever since I was little. The adrenaline consumes me whenever I run. For me, Track and Field was an important part of my life. For years, I always feel the same enjoyment when I am running every day. When I run, my mind becomes blank from all my worries. All I could focus on was the present.. I can only feel myself and only myself in the race. No one else matters anymore in the world when I run. It is the only place I can run away from the rest of my life.

The first day of practice was Indian Run and Coach started explaining to us what we had to do. At the beginning I started to keep in pace with everyone, but soon I started to slow down. making a big gap in the line. It was painful and tiring and I wanted to quit already. It was time for me to give up, but my body didn't listen to me. I kept pushing myself even though I hated it and didn't want to. It was a living nightmare and I could not think of anything but the thought of catching up with everybody. As I kept running, it felt like a whole day has just gone by during that run. That day, I learned the true meaning of perseverance up close.

The practices were one of the toughest things I have ever faced in my life. I would be scared from just thinking what would happen next. Every day it was a tough journey to get pass the rigorous training. I would feel sore all over my body from the practice. Not only was it painful during practice, sometimes its aftereffects caused me to have great difficulty to walk normally or walk down the stairs properly. At times, I had no motivation to even go to practice and even told myself to make an excuse. It was a challenge that my mind gave me when I was scared, but I somehow always end up in front of the Track Field right before practice every single day. Every day I am faced with challenges and every day I take on those challenge with the courage and dedication I developed from Track.

Through my blood and sweat, my perseverance and dedication, I had developed the most important quality that I had lacked throughout all my life, determination. Throughout most of my life, I was always a very undetermined fellow. When I raced in my first Track Meet, the only thing I wanted to do was win the race. It was plain and simple. The only reason I had come was to race against other people and aim to win. It was a sad day that day when I placed nearly last in my heat. That was when I made a goal to get faster than I have ever before. I have become determined to become a better person than I have ever been before and I believe that I can walk down my path and take on the challenge of anything that comes in my way in the future.
Ellis - / 10  
Nov 4, 2011   #2
I can see what are you are trying to convey, but your sentences are repetitive:

I felt quite free whenever the adrenaline passes through my body.
The adrenaline consumes me whenever I run.

For me, Track and Field was an important part of my life.
For years, I always feel the same enjoyment when I am running every day.

You get the idea.

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This essay lacks the "Wow" factor. It does not flow, it feels forced.

It does not stand out, has a lot of grammatical errors, is not very well organized and is incredibly vague.

Try to use different words instead of beginning every sentence with:

"For me/For years"
"It is/was"
"Every day"
"Through"

You did, however, answer the prompt.

Not a bad start :)

Use this to brainstorm:

eaop.uci.edu/PDF/handouts/Personal%20Statement%20WS%2009.pdf

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From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Good luck!


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