Hello!
I would just like to get feedback about this essay. What can I do to improve (even anything as little as grammar)? Please help!
Prompt: The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community? (300 words)
I've participated in my school's cross country team which somehow got me into Track and Field and now is an important routine in my day. It's a place where I can vent out my frustration and get stronger mentally and physically.
We had a potluck to celebrate the end of the year and acknowledge athletes who've improved by leaps and bounds. At this potluck there were foods I could not name. We had vegans, meat-lovers, Europeans, Asians, Bisexuals and Homosexuals, Jewish, Christians and Buddhists. I've met individuals who are in vigorous AP classes and others who are just going through the motions. After running races and going through hardships, I am proud to be a part of this community. These people have been my friends for as long as I've been running with them. We are all different, from different backgrounds and countries all over the world but we all seek one goal in this sport: to improve.
Diversity is often overwhelming because there are so many different traditions and practices but I am thrilled that in this new chapter in my life I can share my culture to other people while simultaneously discover others. I offer my culture to the great melting pot of the community in hopes that I get the experience of things I never thought about before. I want to meet people where even though we come from places all over the world, we are united under one goal and one ambition.
So first I am just going to say im not an expert and im applying to college right now also. But i have a few suggestions.
This sentence doesn't really fit where it is:At this potluck there were foods I could not name. It seems to be randomly placed there and doesn't have anything to do with the sentences before and after it.
Also the last sentence is a little awkward. Maybe you could split it into two sentences.
Once again I am not an expert so take this with a grain of salt. But I hope i helped a little bit.
So do you think for the last sentence instead I could write
I want to meet people from places all over the world, but I know that we will be united under one goal and one ambition.
???
I think it's good except maybe change "but I know" to something like "with the hope of" because you don't actually know that everyone will have the same goals.
Thanks for helping me!
Sara, I'd like to share my insights on your essay, you seem to have a following already and I hope my remarks help as well.
- I'veI have participated
- and now is an important routine inof my day.
- AtIn this potluckgathering there
- were foodsdishes that i have never heard ofI could not name .
- and practices butand I am thrilled that
- I want to meet people where even though we come from places all over the world,
- we areand be united under one goal and one ambition.
There you have it from me Sara, I hope the corrections help enhance your essay and keep writing.
