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'A track meet' - involvement in and contributions to a community near your home


rosy 6 / 2  
Jan 9, 2008   #1
Discuss your involvement in and contributions to a community near your home, school, or elsewhere. Please select an experience different from the one you discussed in the previous question, even if this experience also involved leadership. What did you accomplish? How did this experience influence your goals?

Do you see any grammatical errors? Is it answering the question being asked?

A couple of years ago, I had the honor of volunteering with the Special Olympics Program which benefits people with mental disabilities. I had no idea what to expect the first time I volunteered at an event like this. I had never met a person with mental disabilities so I was afraid of not knowing what to do or what to say to them.

The event was a track meet and you could see athletes everywhere. Some were running, others were sprinting, others were jogging. My first job consisted of timing the races. As time passed, I saw myself cheering them on and yelling at the top of my lungs. I almost even forgot to stop the timer once because I couldn't contain my excitement. After timing the athletes, I got to walk them to the water cooler. As we walked down the grass, some of them would tell me about how much they had trained and others would tell me about how they had beat their best friend in the race. It was so much fun listening to the racers' captivating stories. In no time, I was talking to the kids as if I had known them for quite awhile.

My best experience that day was getting a hug from a little girl named Casey when I was leaving. I was happy that I had helped her, but more than anything, I was grateful that she demonstrated how anyone, not matter what obstacle or disability, can work hard for their dreams. Though she did not win first place in her race, she was ecstatic, and I know all her hard work and training paid of.

I'm glad I got to go and help by cheering the athletes on as they ran around the track, serving them water as they crossed the finish line, giving them food during their break, and even talking to the participants. That day I realized that community service is more than just work. Community service became a way to learn from others and experience what the world has to offer while offering the world what you have. This experience inspired me to use my talents and skills to help others, and to take full advantage of my college degree in order to make the world a better place.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 11, 2008   #2
Greetings!

I think you've written a great essay! You do a good job of answering the question!
Here are some editing suggestions for you:

I was grateful that she demonstrated how everyone, no matter what obstacle or disability, can work hard for their dreams. Though she did not win first place in her race, she was ecstatic, and I know all her hard work and training paid off.

It's generally a good idea to avoid mixing first and second person in this kind of essay. Instead of saying "you could see athletes everywhere" you should consider using "I" instead of "you." Same thing for "Community service became a way to learn from others and experience what the world has to offer while offering the world what I have." That makes the essay more personal.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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