hey, please can you guys check my essay.I was sort of in a hurry and I'm not that great in grammar. please feel free to edit it and tell how I can improve on the essay. Deadline in 5 hours!!!!PLEASE HELP!! word limit :S
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Q)
Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goal
OR
Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
There I was standing all alone and scared on the walkway with just my school bag to comfort me knowing that every eye on the ground was on me. I mustered up all the courage I could and started walking towards the school. I didn't really know what to expect and I was really nervous because of that. I stepped into my new 8th grade classroom trying to calm myself before I had a nervous breakdown in front of the 49 students staring at me - which I did eventually. There was nothing wrong with them, it was just me; I wasn't used to handling such drastic situations - moving to a whole new place, starting from scratch, making new friends, proving your worth to everyone again - like any other thirteen year old. I couldn't take it anymore. I burst into tears.
I was born and brought up in a budding culture of Muscat, Oman in a traditional Indian expatriate family.I spent thirteen amazing years of my life there with my family consisting of me, my mum and dad, and my brother and sister. None of us ever dreamed of settling anywhere else. It was our happy little place, our sanctuary of hope and joy. In the retrospect, I have realized that my life there was more or less a closed circle - a circle that does not pose any challenge or throw anything at you but, just stares till you're done drawing it. At such a tender and brittle age, it was practically impossible for me to understand what life was all about. However, life yet again, did me a favor and bought me this knowledge eventually...
During the summer of 2004, my parents decided to move back to our native land in pursuit of new opportunities for my father and a better future for me and my siblings. I was just 13 when we moved to Chandigarh, India. I was certainly shocked and devastated since I knew that we are never going to go back to our happy little place ever again. At first, I found myself out of place. Everything was new to us - the environment, the people, and the way of interacting. It took me some time to adapt to the changes and welcome them as a part and parcel of life. Firstly, the school provided a completely different educational system-much more theoretical than practical. Secondly, the drastic change that appeared in the behavior of my classmates was really flustering. Thirdly, I was much more exposed to my surroundings, having to walk to school a few times, gaining no attention from my teachers - everything I had become accustomed to in Muscat. Life had taken a U-turn for me but I never gave up hope. I participated in various competitions and volunteer programs to help the students that required financial aid. In a way, my stay in India made me more socially aware and gave me a chance to do some good to the society.
Going to school in India gave me something characteristic of an Indian education; it nurtured in me a pride for my individuality, an inquiring disposition and a penchant for independent learning. I am certain that had I not attended school here, I would never have been able to discover my talent and passion for art, nor my appreciation for science. With the openness and critical point of view I gained, I was unable to take for granted the diversity I experienced in India. Over the years I made good friends from many different countries such as China, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Korea and India. From each new person I met, I was able to glimpse a unique religion and culture. These friends in turn fostered my interest in languages, and out of it, my dream to travel the world.
As I reflect on the person I have become today I realize how much of an impact my family's emigration had on me. Today, we live comfortably in our very own house and, though many of my friends are considered wealthy-families of doctors, professors and international businessman-I carry always the lesson of not looking down on anyone because of their social class.
From the legacy of my birth to the journey that ensued, I had been constantly evolving. I have faced so many changes, that I am ready for the world. My experiences so far have taught me how to adjust myself to new situations, to not be judgmental, and to be my own person-and I believe I will forever continue to grow since experience is what defines life.
College, for me, will be a wonderful new chance to grow. With my education I look forward to learning in order to understand the world and to continue pursuing new knowledge that will challenge my beliefs, new sights that will change the way I see the world, and chances to give back to the world that has given me so much. As I leave my home, I embark on a journey that I am sure will pose several challenges. I will face them as I have before and I am confident that with my experience, I will succeed.
Not posting your work five hours before the deadline at 3:00am might ensure more thorough feedback. Just a thought for future reference. :-)
"I was born and brought up in the budding culture of Muscat, Oman in a traditional Indian expatriate family"
". . . or throw anything at you but, just stares till you're done drawing it." Lose the comma.
"Who is this?" This question doesn't make a whole lot of sense in this context.
"I burst into tears."
"Being an introvert, I didn't like the idea of starting from scratch."
I'd leave off most of what you have written about what happened to you after you left India, and expand on the challenges you faced and how you overcame them, using specific anecdotes to demonstrate the general truths you have now.
In retrospect, I have realized that my life there was more or less a closed circle - a circle that does not pose any challenge or throw anything at you but, just stares till you're done drawing it.
Its a good essay, but you don't focus much on what you want to study, and why.
Sorry for not getting to this sooner, hope it went well.
:)
