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"Tragedy stuck my family" - Significant Challenge - short answer

perplexity215 3 / 17  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(200-250 words)

Tragedy stuck my family in my freshman year: my father was hit by an eighteen-wheeler truck on a business trip. Let's just say that even the doctors were baffled at the miracle of my dad's survival. Of course, he didn't come out unscathed. Physically, my father has permanently broken neck, restricting him from extreme physical activity. Mentally, he suffers from depression and irascibility. My world changed that year; I had to learn to grow up and cope with the circumstances.

can still remember the phone call from his coworker and noticing my father's voice in the background, but thinking nothing of it. That was the beginning of my guilt. I was in emotional whirlwind that year. I just couldn't believe that this could happen to me and that I almost lost my dad. And having to see him in his decrepit state overwhelmed me. I had two nightmares about him dying. My father's accident added more stress in addition to worrying about my mother's arthritis and my arguments with my friends. I was miserable all the time that I couldn't focus on school anymore. I lost motivation to study or work hard and it was hurting my biology grade.

But one day, I realized I needed to change. Sulking at my unfortunate situation didn't get me what I wanted. I couldn't change what happened, but I needed to stay strong and keep going. I worked to stop my gloomy thoughts and turned my attention towards raising my grade in biology and helping my mother and father. While I didn't get the fifteen points I needed to get an A in biology, I did learn to not let my emotions affect the rest of my life.

Critique please. Brutal critiques are welcomed too! I'm about 40 words over the limit but it should be okay.
Thanks in advance!
donkeykong98732 /  
Oct 30, 2010   #2
"my father has a permanently broken neck,..."
you should add that preposition there.

I was in an emotional...

...or to work hard... and the loss of motivation had hurt my biology grade.

Very good essay! Shows that you grew from your experience with your descriptive narrative. If it's above the word limit, I suggest you cut it down some. You never know what will happen.
OP perplexity215 3 / 17  
Oct 30, 2010   #3
thank you for your help!

anyone else pleaseee?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 5, 2010   #4
My world changed that year; I had to learn to grow up and cope with the circumstances.-----This is a sentence I would change if it was my essay. I would want to end the first paragraph with a very unique idea for the reader to consider for a moment as the theme for the essay. As it is now, this sentence seems like the main idea, and it is not very powerful.

(missing a word) can still remember the phone ...

...couldn't change what had happened, but I ...

So... please change the last sentence of BOTH paragraphs, and make it so that this essay leaves the reader with a unique, impressive insight. Change those sentences so that the reader gets to share your most interesting insight that resulted from the experience.

:-) I hope your Dad is doing well now!!

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