My common app personal statement about background. feed back. Tittle suggestion would help too.
from a death to the cried of life
"I am competing with something intangible and insurmountable. It is when I win this contest and accomplish my goals that I will be fulfilled and jubilant." These were my exact words.... I saw the audience trying to figure out how this response is related to the question "why do you always look unsatisfied with your achievements though your successes are exceptional?" It can also tell that they were confused, but for me, it has never been clearer. I was, I am and I will always be competing with this potent force and by winning it, I will prove to others that it is beatable.
It is a fact that every human being will eventually face it but what one does until that moment comes is what determines the winner. I have been preparing for that day since that day in 2012. It was New Year's Eve, an evening of pure ecstasy; I had planned everything out for the coming year and was going to see the fireworks with my mom at Abo church. On my way there, I saw a young man, in the mid 20s, get out of a vehicle and say goodbye to his friends in the car. Suddenly a car appeared out of nowhere and hit him. It was a very shocking moment. Everyone gathered. Some tried calling for help and some cried of grief.but I, I was standing there like a statue showing no emotions, trying to process what I just saw. Before then death was nothing more than what I wished to happen to evil animation characters. But from that day onwards, my whole perspective about it reformed. At first I became fearful. Death felt like the unchangeable and unbeatable final destiny of human beings and it would be absurdity to try to change this fact. But this ideology ended with the beginning of a new one: the creed of life. The more I knew about life, the lesser I was scared of death and the more I loved the discipline. The inquiry continued until one day I realized that I was no longer scared of it but in fact I dared it. I was no longer feeling like my every move was getting me one step closer to it. To the contrary, I knew I was doing things the right way that my every decision is antagonistic to his (death's) vicious plans. I am his rival as he will always be mine. I am competing with death.
That tragic incident ended the life of that man but granted me a new one, a purposeful one determined to answer all the questions of my inquisitive mind. I have to admit I sometimes find it hard to get responses to every autopsy of my mind and they are unlikely to be directed at others but my own self. I guess that is why my teachers describe me as "the girl who seldom asks questions in class but manages to score the highest in exams." If only they knew that I do all the probing by myself would they have understood.
I sometimes sit idly and try to recall how and when this habit developed. I remember it started with the "whats". What is death? What is life? What is my purpose? Then the "whys" came. Why do people die? Why do people live? Why am I alive? Why wasn't anyone able to help the young man during the accident, why didn't I? and most importantly why haven't doctors been able to cure my dad's skin disease? And finally the turning point of my life began with the "hows". They are the building blocks of my future journey and I promise to solve them all one by one. Currently, I am in the chapter of my life where I answer to the question "how can I cure my hero and others with similar problems?"You're probably going to get banned for commenting and calling for help on other posts haha. They're not counted as "feedback". If you haven't got any answer on your thread, the thread will stay in the prioritized "Unanswered" section, so you don't really need to call for help.
About your essay, you're writing about something very grand, but I didn't get anything out of it. You need to dig deeper into your experience and your actions. What changed your attitude about death? What have you done to conquer it? At the end of the essay, you have only shown your determination (not really well), but there's no action yet.
Can you please kindly provide the complete topic of what you write here? In case that I want to know whether the essay stay on the topic or not.
@hacchani
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Seble, the essay doesn't make any sense. It is not really a background essay, nor is it an ideology essay. It definitely is not a transition essay either. It doesn't meet any of the prompt requirements for that discussion specifically. It seems like something that you just developed for the prompt, without really understand or analyzing the prompt requirements. This is an essay that is trying to appear to be more intellectual than it really is. Which, in all honesty, it isn't. There is nothing in this essay that showcases a background discussion that is relevant to the reviewer. Most likely because you never developed a prompt statement for your opening statement discussion in the first place. The whole essay is useless. It doesn't do anything for your application. Try to develop your own prompt requirement based upon your background story first. Make sure that it shows a proper transition to adulthood. Then present your developed prompt and discuss.
