Hey, so this is my First draft and I definitely need some help.
Prompt
The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.
My essay
In one second, my mind scattered in disarray. In one second formulas, numbers, and the feeling of anticipation flooded into my mind. The sweat trickled down my arm to the fingertips. My hand loomed over the button. The echo of "The Final Countdown" wafted into my ears, at the peak of the song I pushed down hard and watched. The launcher recoiled back and all eyes were on the tennis ball as it soared through arch of wooden hoops. Every hoop that it passed through was a reflection of our success, and as the ball slipped through the last hoop it became an accomplishment.
Through my basic engineering courses I was trained to think logically and persevere through challenging obstacles. A hurdle to be jumped, a rope that has to be climbed, or a hill that has to be conquered, it became more than just tough mathematical problem, but also a crucial aspect of life. Throughout my years I started to become a ping pong ball being battered against the wooden panels waiting to be halted by the net. I moved from Pakistan, England, South and North California, Boston, and then Texas. Starting anew with no bearings, I planted my own roots in each new location; Friends, Education, and the feeling of home. I was stuck in a predicament. Engineers are able to evaluate all aspects of the problem and apply it logically to find an answer and that became my impetus. I applied their ways of life to my own and surely enough it fit. Rather have a negative outlook on my life I went to work and stuck my roots everywhere I went planting a piece of my teenage years into the ground. Through determination I was able to find some common ground, I was able to assess my goals and scout for a path to fulfill them. It became like complex equation consisting of variables and numbers. After numerous attempts of juggling the variables around I was able to find a path for the solution, all I had to do was plug in the right numbers. I chose the numbers and placed them accordingly, it just became a matter of time to see the answer.
I want to see myself pass through every hoop, pass through every stage of life, and push through to the very end without any regrets. My ability obtained from engineering has only laid the foundation of future problems, and with a clear mind my aspirations can become a reality.
See what works and what doesn't, be harsh and cruel (if needed). Life depends on this :)
I think that is a good question, birdslapper!
It is important to make the reader know how important it is for you to enter this program. If the reader is a kindhearted person, she will want to admit everyone, but not all applicants can be admitted. So, at the end of the essay I think you should use a sentence that tells about a specific resource in the program or a specific difference that will be made by your attending the program. Leave a specific thought in the reader's mind at the end. Right now, as the essay is, the end has an eloquent sentence but it is not about any specific, practical reason why you have to enter this particular program.
:-)
