I am applying for early decision to Cornell and I'm currently finishing up my common application essay but I really need some help editing and I could use any tips. The topic is evaluating a significant experience and its impact on you. It's a rough draft but I would really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions at all. Thank you!
I wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of an alarm clock beeping in my ear. Still tired from the long trip the day before I take a sleepy look around the strange motel room forgetting for an instant why I'm here. A gust of cool breeze promising rain brushes my cheek and I suddenly remember "horseshow", as my mother stands in the doorway, fresh coffee in hand. I roll out of bed anxiously and slip my boots on. I realize how the brown leather has aged in the last year; it feels soft from months of training, days in the rain and mud. I can feel the deep impressions on the sides from the straps of my spurs and I laugh as I see the faded black dot on the left top remembering the day I had clumsily spilled the hoof polish in the excitement of preparing for my first class. My boots had changed a great deal since I first got them, but it was a change I liked. Every imperfection was a memory, every crease told a story. Just like the rest of the shows we had travelled to that year that show was important. It was a chance to prove the success of all my hard work. But more importantly it was part of an experience that I could never forget- showing my horse, and working with my trainer to achieve a national ranking in the pinto horse association of America (PtHA) Sr. youth top 20 rankings.
When my trainer, Denise, had originally told me she wanted me to aim for a national ranking in the top 20 my jaw dropped. Me? You think I can do that? I can remember how excited I felt but suddenly self-doubt circulated through my thoughts horses on a carousel. I had only owned my horse for a year and we had hardly any show experience. Not only was I a little shy around new circumstances, I was somewhat self conscious about my riding ability. My disbelief must have been readable because she immediately started explaining how it would be possible. "You can do it", she assured me.
At first the training was overwhelming. The schedule was exhausting and sometimes balancing it with my school work was a stressful challenge. I was often caught off guard by Denise's aggressive nature, and frustrated by my own inexperience. We rode in all conditions- rain, snow, exhaustion. But the harder we worked, the more I loved it. The bond that had formed between my horse and I was irreplaceable. The barn became my second home, the girls I rode with became family, and reaching my goal became my passion. I was beginning to gain a more competitive edge, and I liked it. For me, failure was no longer an option.
Soon we were travelling to shows every weekend, and I was amazed at how my sweat and tears were paying off. I was winning. Checking the standings felt like Christmas time, and slowly my initial doubts started to fade. I was receiving numerous awards and invitations to banquets as far away as Oklahoma. What I had once thought impossible was a reality and not only was I first in my home state of New York as well as New England; I was ranked in the top 10 of the nation. And as the season progressed my confidence grew. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed chatting with new friends and acquaintances at shows and when I entered the show ring I smiled at the judges, head held high with a new sense of pride.
Now that I have finished showing for this season and as I await the final results I smile thinking of all that has happened. Pushing myself harder than I ever had before to achieve such a high goal and succeeding has given me more belief in myself and a real desire to aim higher. The memories I hold from my journey to top 20 will always be something I hold dear. Being blessed with such an opportunity, I learned what I truly was made of and the importance of going after what I wanted. In looking back on the whole experience I realize what a positive affect it has had on me. And as I see my aged boots resting in the corner of my room I am happy because I too have changed for the better.
About the introduction- It leaves me a bit confused. You seem to not want to get out of bed, and then you all of a sudden do, anxiously? You should start it with, "I got up on monday, anxious for"...
Also, you put your boots on and then go into a whole description about the achievements you have made. I think you either have to take out the story or have a bit more meaning behind it (I am lost as to exactly where you are, just in some motel). You could probably fix this by leaving the introduction the same and changing the conclusion to complete the story (instead of saying "And as I see my aged boots resting in the corner of my room", continue the story)
One other small thing -
"Denise, had originally told me she wanted me to aim for a national ranking in the top 20 my jaw dropped"
are you amazed that Denise wanted something or that Denise believed you could do something? If someone wanted me to cure cancer, I wouldn't care. If someone believed I could cure cancer, I would be amazed (or skeptical).
Other than that it looks great!
If you have a sec, check out my essay -
