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Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of.


JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Jan 28, 2016   #1
Georgia Tech Application for Transfer Admission

Please limit your essay to 2000 characters, which includes spaces and punctuation.

Short Answer 1

What interests you about your selected program of study?

Aerospace Engineering is a broad field that can translate into many careers. However, my passion for space exploration has grown within the last few years. With this degree, I will be able to become an expert in aerodynamics and propulsion to engineer the next best aircraft that can travel as fast as the speed of light, which would take us the farthest distances in space.

When I was a child, I used to gaze at the stars high above and say, "They are unreachable." Little did I imagine that I could someday be able to get closer to those stars. During my whole college career I have been undecided about what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't find my passion until one day I was told by a friend to follow the signs. I was always amazed by space exploration and saw the vastness of it and put it in a pedestal. It was so unimaginable and almost untrue that it began to become a reality when I began learning about astronauts such as Neil Armstrong.

This program not only interests me to build better aircraft here on Earth, but I want to be a part of companies such as SpaceX, who have now landed their first rocket vertically to save money for future space travel.

I believe there is another earthlike planet out there in the universe. With recent discoveries such as Kepler 652 and other planets that are in the similar distance within their sun star, it gives me hope that there are other planets like ours surrounding other stars.

Finding another of another planet will get us closer to knowing the essence of our existence in the universe. Perhaps we will meet other life systems that are far more advanced. Perhaps there are other worlds that have not been habited and that are able to sustain human life. Perhaps there are many more worlds that will answer our questions as to how we came exist.

There is another world out there, and it is my dream to engineer the next system that can find another Earthlike planet before our time here on Earth runs out.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 3, 2016   #2
Juan, you need to better direct your opening statement in order to properly respond to the prompt. So here is my suggested introduction for you:

I look to the skies and planets beyond our immediate galaxy for my studies in Aerospace Engineering. Inspired by the successes of Niel Armstrong and SpaceX, I wish to pursue a career that will allow me to help our space program develop to the point where space travel will become as ordinary as riding a car, just that my developed vehicles will travel light years into space, reaching new human settlements on Mars and Kepler 652. This is the dream that I hope to turn into a reality through the study of this program.

That is 512 words in total. Use the remaining word count to explain your vision for space travel in the next paragraph and then relate the development of that vehicle to your interest in this program. Basically, you have to explain how this program, through research and future study, will allow you to help man settle in other worlds. That is the vision you have and that is the reason for your interest in this program of study. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need help in developing the latter part as well. I'm here to help.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 3, 2016   #3
Hi Louisa. I have been following your replies to other people, and often said, "I hope she looks at mine." Thank you so much for the suggestion. You put what I wanted to say in actual words. I can be creative but sometimes fear that it's bad. I will work on continuing the essay and will post it again for you to review. I look forward to working with you.

My best regards.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 5, 2016   #4
Hi Louisa (@vangiespen), Thank you so much for your feedback. You inspired me to continue believing in my vision of finding another habitable planet before our human lifetime.

I have done some research on propulsion and do want to include it here in this essay. I am very interested in Solar Ionic Populsion and Beam Propulsion systems. However, I still need a lot more experience to talk about it further. I want to include more ideas in this essay, but I don't want to sound stupid. I do support ideas like Warp Drive, which current astronomers are exploring within the industry.

Here it is:

I look to the skies and planets beyond our ...
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 5, 2016   #5
Juan, this is more impressive than your previous attempts at writing this essay. However, you went over the 2000 character limit. You have 2020 words at the moment and there are also some point that need clarification. We are now definitely in the editing portion of your essay. So you need to go back and consider which words are just filler and remove them in order to bring down the character count. As for the flaws in the writing, I have some suggestions about those as well.

For starters, don't just say that you want to pursue a major along the STEM lines. You need to be specific because of the definite plans that you present in your essay. Mention the major you are opting for at the very start. Insert it into the STEM sentence if you can. That way the reviewer focuses his attention on the discussion you are presenting instead of wondering what field you would want to major in. Don't leave that for the start of the second paragraph.

I would not use the word colonize in the essay. Rather, I would take on a more friendly term in reference to "discovery of other life forms" and "an exchange of intellect on a higher level" just in case these planets already have life forms on them. Trust me, it is better to use a friendly tone than to come across sounding as more militaristic in purpose for your studies. Speaking of which, the term is "life forms" and not "life systems". Please correct that in your essay.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 9, 2016   #6
Hi VANGIESPEN and everyone else,

Your feedback has been very helpful. I revised the essay, and I am now below the 2000 character count. I did not include it in this essay, but my dream is to become an astronaut for the NASA Space Program. It is why I am pursuing a degree in AE to design spacecraft, and work my way to the graduate and Ph.D. level, which will give me the necessary experience to be a potential candidate for NASA's space missions. Please let me know if I should include this information in this essay. My dream is to find or pave the way to finding another habitable planet, and I want to be a part of it here on Earth and out in deep space. Here is the revised essay:

{Beginning of essay-

I look to the skies and planets beyond our immediate galaxy for my studies in Aerospace Engineering (AE). Inspired by the successes of Neil Armstrong and SpaceX, I wish to pursue a career in the STEM field of AE that will allow me to help our space program develop to the point where space travel will become as ordinary as riding a car, just that my developed vehicles will travel light years into space, reaching new human settlements on Mars and planets located in habitable zones within our universe. This is the dream that I hope to turn into a reality through the study of this program.

Attaining a degree in AE at Georgia Institute of Technology will allow me to become an expert on propulsion systems and further research on solar electric propulsion, which has proven to be effective in deep space programs. Working with GT's Center for Space Technology and Research (C-STAR) will give me the necessary skills to implement a solution and design an effective propulsion system for intergalactic space travel. With the help of a research team, I will design and build a spaceship that will take us to other planets in a shorter time frame.

Designing an effective propulsion system will open the door to the opportunity of finding a habitable planet. With this success, we will get closer to the discovery of other life forms. There are other planets in other galaxies living in habitable zones around their sun star but getting there would take thousands of years. This newly designed spacecraft will be capable of reaching those planets and will open up the possibility of an exchange of intellect on a higher level.

Finding another Earth will get us closet to knowing the essence of our existence in the universe. Perhaps we will meet other life forms that are far more advanced. Perhaps there are other worlds that have not been habited and are able to sustain human life. My goal is to continue in this search for life beyond Earth before our time here on Earth runs out.

-end of essay}
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Feb 16, 2016   #7
Juan, I cannot believe that it took you all of this time before telling me that your motivation for the course is based upon your dream of working for NASA. You should definitely include that in this essay. In fact, your essay should have revolved around developing that career objective for yourself from the very beginning. I wish you had told me about this sooner. Now I feel like we need to revise the essay in a major way in order to insert his highly important information in it.

Do me a favor, please insert the information about your NASA dream in the essay. Place it at the point where you believe it will work best for your essay application. I want to see in what context you plan on using that information. Then post the revised essay here so that I can review it and let you know of the content adjustments that we need to get done in order to make the new version of the essay work with parts of the original. I hope you won't be very angry with me because I am asking you to do this. I assure you, the essay will be better off for it.
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 16, 2016   #8
Hey Juan,

I haven't really done a read over through your essay, but a friend of mine had applied transfer to GT the previous year and got in. When I looked over his essay, it was much shorter in length than yours, and I note that in the beginning you state that the essay limit is 2000 CHARACTERS which would be only around 300 words. Before continuing to revise your essay, I'd advise you to re-look at the essay prompt and see if it is 2000 words or 2000 characters.
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 16, 2016   #9
Sorry, I hadn't had a chance to read your latest response, and I see that you are now below the 2000 character limit.

My thoughts on your essay:

First, I feel like your current essay reads too much like a sci-fi plot than an essay. While you may really wish to pave the way to search for other habitual planets, the next Mars rover mission is slated for 2020 and the next manned mission to mars is not slated until 2023 (2021 at the earliest). The timeline between us traversing the solar system and us traversing the next nearest is much too far to be a concrete goal. I think it would help to be more realistic, such as wanting to be a part of the next rover launch, hoping to help engineer the Orion or its successor, etc - something that is more concrete and tangible to the reader so that they can align themselves behind your view. The fact is that the fate of the Earth is too far in time to be of any relevance to the average reader, and that the reader of your essays is not necessarily anyone with any sort of interest in your selected program. Therefore you should be concrete and substantial behind your essay in order to have a strong backing.

Second, is the prompt asking about your interest in GT's AE program, or just about your interest in AE in general? If the former, I believe you need to delve into more detail about what GT has to offer you. The mention of C-STAR is a good start, but you may want to be even more specific about what accomplishments they've achieved and what you hope to bring to their future research projects. If the latter, you may not even want to mention GT's facilities and instead try to focus more on writing like your first paragraph - talking about your inspirations of Neil Armstrong and SpaceX, perhaps mentioning some new innovations in space technology that you may hope to work on or improve, and the such.

Note that the prompt is asking you what about your program interests you, and is not necessarily asking for your goals to accomplish. As such, I think you should try to end your essay with a concluding thought about your interest in aerospace engineering, rather than ending with your goal, as it leaves the reader somewhat confused as to the nature of your essay. Again, while your goals can be aligned with your interest in the area, you should try to be more specific, while also mentioning some broader aspects of your area of study. For example, while you mention propulsion systems, you never delve into any other aspects of AE, and as you should know, AE comprises of much more than just study of propulsion systems.

Hope this helps.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 17, 2016   #10
Hi AIKOASHIYA, VANGIESPEN, and others reviewing this essay. I rewrote my essay last night at 3am. Please see below:

Tell me if I should go more in depth about a specific thing. Thank you!

Short Answer 1

What interests you about your selected program of study?

{Beginning

This passion, this fire inside of me pushed me to pursue a career in Aerospace Engineering (AE). It has expanded my ideas and views about space exploration and has inspired be to look beyond the sky, planets, and stars, to engineer and develop spacecraft and ultimately become an astronaut for the NASA Space Program.

Looking closely at the successes of NASA, SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, and other top leading Aerospace companies, motivated me to pursue a career in AE because of the innovations that each of these companies is a part of such as, the Orion spacecraft, James Webb Telescope, Hubble Telescope, MOXIE experiment, among others. By working alongside these companies, I will be able to apply and develop skills of engineering and developing aircraft with a better propulsion system, more aerodynamically safe, and a spacecraft that can take humans to Mars in a shorter time frame with the possibility of paving to a more efficient and economically spacecraft that can take humans to other planets in our solar system, and ultimately beyond our solar system.

With the Orion Spacecraft underway, my interest for life beyond Earth has extensively grown within the past few years. The wow factor that the Mars 2020 mission has had on my life is unexplainable. To think that we may someday be able to live on Mars inspires me to make travel there more efficient.

Not only will this mission help us get closer to living on Mars at some point in the future, but also, it will change the course of history to the point that space travel will be simply like riding a car. And ultimately, it will get us closer to developing vehicles that can travel faster and be able to search and perhaps reach planets that are sustainable. It is my dream that I hope to turn into a reality.

This fire, this passion pushes me to do whatever it takes to find another habitable planet in the universe before our time here on Earth runs out, be it by making it viable to live on Mars, or continuing on the search for another habitable planet, which is out there waiting to be found.


End}
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Feb 17, 2016   #11
Hi Juan! I see that you have gotten a lot of support here and I'd like to give you my opinions as well.

I don't see anything in your essay about GT in specific, nor do I see anything about GT's program in specific. This is what they are looking for, I believe. Yes, your underlying motivations are important, and it's great that you've added your interests and goals here. Personally I think it might be helpful for you to include why this program is a good fit for you, or what interests you specifically about this program. Currently, your essay could apply to any number of schools. In previous drafts of this essay, you had included that information (at least somewhat), but in this draft it's no longer there. I would suggest thinking about what it is about GT's AE program that interests you and including that. What do they have that no other school has? How can GT's AE program help you succeed? I see Aiko mentioned this previously, and I agree with that comment. Actually, I agree will Aiko's entire post. :)

As far as grammar is concerned, you've got a lot of run on sentences happening in your latest draft. You're trying to say a lot in one sentence which makes it very confusing.

Looking closely at the successes of NASA, SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, and other top leading Aerospace companies, motivated me to pursue a career in AE because.....

Look how long that one sentence is! Breaking it down into multiple parts will surely create a more structured, concise, and more easily understandable essay. For example:

Looking closely at the successes of top aerospace companies such as NASA, SpaceX and Virgin Galactic has motivated me to pursue a career in Aerospace Engineering. Innovations these companies are a part of, such as the Orion spacecraft and James Webb telescope have inspired my goals to develop and apply these skills to create safer technology.

You don't need to list so many companies and projects/. innovations. One or two will do. From what I've written you can then go into more detail about these goals, such as discussing propulsion, aerodynamics, etc... Try to keep your sentences more compact. They don't have to be childlike in simplicity but being more concise will pack a larger punch.
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 17, 2016   #12
Thank you for your suggestion. The prompt doesn't ask anything regarding GT and what they have to offer. I keep getting mixed reviews regarding mentioning GT and their programs. Some people say to include the information, and some have said not to. So what is the correct answer? The prompt asks to for my interest in my program of study, which is AE.

I did originally mention CSTAR and am interested in their work because they have close ties to NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. And I could elaborate on that and tie it to my dream.

Aiko did mention that if the prompt specifically asks for GT's program, then I should include them in thr essay. But it didn't. It's an open question as to why I chose AE as a program of study...
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 19, 2016   #13
Hey Juan,

While I can't really give you a clear-cut answer, I think you should try comparing it to other prompts that are similar.

For instance, Columbia "If you are applying to Columbia College, tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Member Questions section" or Cornell "How have your interests and related experiences influenced the major you have selected in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences?".

Note that these prompts aren't really asking you for what it is about the school that's appealing to you, but rather what appeals to you in the area of study you've selected.

Contrast this with prompts such as MIT "Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?" or Penn's "How will you explore your intellectual and academic interests at the University of Pennsylvania?".

Note that these prompts explicitly state something along the lines of at our university.

Personally, I think GT's prompt seems a lot more similar to Columbia and Cornell's prompts, and thus should be written more specifically about your interests and not necessarily about what the school can offer you/what you can offer the school. Of course, it probably wouldn't hurt to add mention that something in GT coincides/aligns with what you're interested in (e.g. C-STAR), especially since it will propel your interests going forward, but I don't think that you should necessarily center your essay around GT for this prompt. Are any of the other prompts asking for anything more GT specific (e.g. why are you interested in coming to GT or anything along those lines), if so then you have more leeway for this essay to talk more creatively about your passions and inspirations in AE.

As for your most recent revised essay, you have some grammatical errors (e.g. using be instead of me in the 2nd sentence). Also, I agree with Katheryn's post about that.

I'll try to focus more stylistically. Rather than listing a lot of companies, you should try to go deep into one or two of the things they've done to inspire you. You'd rather have a narrow but deeper focus than a wide but shallow one. Something I think you should do is try to incorporate an anecdote about an experience in the past that really pushed you to pursue AE. Maybe it was something as innocent as seeing Marvin the Martian in cartoons and becoming really interested in space, or perhaps your parents bought you a lego spaceship set. Maybe you watched a documentary over the Apollo missions in your teens.

However, I think your revised essay is still not substantial enough. The thing about mentioning things in the distant past vs things that happened recently is that anecdotes about the past show a developing and continued interest. I think you are confusing the essay with a statement of purpose.

Sentences like

By working alongside these companies, I will be able to apply and develop skills..

are, in my opinion, not really relevant to the topic at hand. Is the fact that you will be able to apply and develop your skills representative of your interest in AE? I think you are confusing the prompt with "Why are you interested in studying AE" rather than what.

And sorry for the late responses, hope this helps!
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 19, 2016   #14
Sorry, I just want to add an addendum. When I mean to say you might be confusing why with what, I don't mean that it's a bad to have reasons that correspond with the question why. What I mean to say is that I think you are too confused with the why and that your reasons for why don't really show anything about yourself as a person. When I read your essay, all I can see is that you might consider yourself a humanitarian given that you are trying to find other sustainable worlds, and that you are interested in AE because of your interest in space travel.

When writing these essays, you need to express more of yourself and your qualities to the admissions office, so that they can see who you are as a person beyond your test scores, GPA, extracurriculars. That's why I recommend that you talk about some anecdotal tales because those are often close to one's heart and often show a lot of personal qualities. For example, let's say you loved tinkering with legos and then moved on to model rockets. You began to try to optimize the rockets for distance and see which designs performed more favorably. Already, in as little as a few sentences, you can demonstrate your creativity in trying to come up with your own designs, your thirst for knowledge/inquisitiveness, show that you are science-oriented, and show that you worked hard, even for just a hobby, in pursuance of a goal.

Compare this to your essay right now. Your essay reads more like a fact sheet rather than an expository piece.

Hope I haven't come off too harsh or anything, and good luck!
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 19, 2016   #15
Hi AIKOAYSHA,

Thank you for your feedback.

I totally understand your point of view. I don't feel like my personality is being brought out in this essay too now that you mention it .

Let me revise the essay. I think that you want me to write as I write in the second prompt essay below. I will rewrite this essay and portray more of a personal interest and what led me to choosing this degree.

Thank you!

Please see below and let me know what you think of the essay.
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 19, 2016   #16
Hi Juan,

I believe Louisa is helping you with your other essay, but upon reading through it I definitely get a better sense of who you are than from this essay. As you rewrite this essay, try to compare what you have done with your leadership essay and this essay. You can see substantial evidence that does not tell, but shows your qualities and traits. Comparatively, this essay does a lot of "telling" and not showing.

Some quick notes on the leadership essay:
Your use of anecdotes is great, but you are constrained by a character limit, as Louisa had said. Try to choose the most important anecdote and detail on that. If you can, it would be great to have a single anecdote serve as 2 or even 3 of the qualities that GT's motto wants you to demonstrate.

Fix the errors pointed out by Louisa
Your concluding paragraph seems great to me, besides the "improve the human condition part". It just sounds too saintly and out of place with the rest of your conclusion.

Otherwise the essay looks pretty good! Hope this helps!
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 19, 2016   #17
Thank you for your suggestions AIKOAYSHA. You are quite knowledgeable about this subject. I really appreciate the help. Please read the following. I think it will give you an idea of who I am:

See, in all honesty, I didn't grow up with a dream. I wasn't told by my parents I could be anything. We grew up in poor city in Colombia, and our mother was always working to provide for us. When we moved here in 2002 it was the same- watching my mother work and work and work. We did go in the school system from middle school to high school, and I graduated in 2009 with Honors. Yet I wasn't able to go to college because I wasn't a permanent resident. My dream of going to college was crushed.

So I moved out of my mother's house at the age of 18 out of rebellion. I wanted to find myself, my purpose in life. I went through many experiences - addiction, toxic friendships, love, hate, depression, loneliness. I worked multiple jobs and became a leader as I have shown in my other essay. I gained a 4.0 GPA at school too. But I wasn't aware of myself yet.

It wasn't until last year in December when I was working on a scholarship essay due on December 20th. I was devastated because it was the first time filling out a scholarship, and the first time writing about myself. And two weeks before the due date, I strangely Christopher, who happened to help students get into college by helping them with their essays. And he told me, "You are going to do big things. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams." It was something I had never heard before. No one had ever told me I could be anything in life. I awoke. My dreams awoke.

Throughout my whole life I have appreciated flight and airplanes. Every time I board an airplane I get a rush and an adrenaline that is felt throughout my whole body. Yet every time I board an airplane, I don't just sit there waiting for time to pass by. I look at the wing, the screws, the compartments, the turbines, I hear the sound of the wheels going back in as the airplane gets to a certain height in the air. I ask myself, how is this grand vessel able to fly? And it is what drove me to choosing Aerospace Engineering. I love to fly, but what I love the most is knowing that I could someday design an airplane myself. This is what fascinates me.

As I am awake now. I realize that I always ask questions as to how everything works. And instantly in my head I imagine and think of solutions on making things better.

When Christopher told me to follow my dream, I turned to the stars. I began researching about space because I had always a respect for the universe. I began learning about this vast amount of information that I had never seen before. My passion for planets grew when I went to see the red moon that happened recently. It was my first time attending an event of this type. And I felt like a five year old. I felt this rush once again that I felt while on an airplane, and looking through that telescope and seeing the moon so close and so vivid, was an awe experience for me. I felt as if for one moment I was on top of the moon.

From that moment on, I have signed up to NASA's email notifications, listened to TED Talks regarding space exploration and innovations. I have purchased books like The Martian and Little Blue Planet. And I have been following some of the greatest minds that shaped space exploration. Carl Sagan, Einstein, Tysson, and Armstrong are a few of the many who inspire me. As I learn, I get my space journal and write everything that I learn. I have also planned a visit to the Kennedy Space Center and the Smithsonian in DC. And I notice that I am meeting more and more people who want to make my dream come true. It is very strange.

When I began learning more and more about space. I began researching telescopes, spaceships, and rovers that have been in space. Currently , I am reading the Student Astronaut Challenge textbook which has extensive information about Space history, propulsion systems, rockets, etc. and it is when I began to ask myself, is there another habitable planet out there in the universe? If so, how would we get there?

I hurriedly turned to spacecraft. I began researching the different type of spacecraft and asking friends about it. I began learning about propulsion systems and came to the conclusion that our current spacecraft are not capable of traveling fast enough in case we did find another habitable planet out there in another galaxy. And my mind once again started working, figuring out a solution, and thinking of how I could make space travel more efficient.

What is my passion? I can't answer you specifically. I am passionate about everything in life. From learning a different language, looking through a telescope, reading books, learning new things, math, science, anything. I love learning. I love it so much that I bought my own Arduino Circuit board since my Physics II with Calculus II Professor brought it to the class. When it came in the mail, I immediately opened it up, took all of the resistors out, the cables, the LED's, the motors. All of them. And I began working on the projects right away until 2 in the morning. I felt like a kid again; I felt the rush once again.

See, I wish I had known my dream long before. But perhaps it wasn't my time to know. Perhaps my time to know was at 25. I am an engineer. Even last week, I contacted members from my Calculus Team group and told them I had an idea. I wanted to build a robot or a device, and I wanted each of them to be a part of it. They all agreed and want to make a device that will help someone in need. We are working on sketches now and thinking of ideas. This is engineering.

And I truly believe that an engineer, be it aerospace, mechanical, civil, whatever, is a person who loves to learn. Who will learn anything and won't give up until he/she learns the task. An engineer is a well rounded person, and I am that person. With the abilities and skills I have gained at school, life, and work, I know I am going to succeed in my career as an Aerospace Engineer and ultimately become a candidate for the NASA space program.

I found my purpose. I found myself.

End}

There are so many stories I could write about. Yet none of them are from childhood. I don't want to make stuff up. This is my true story.

Is any of this information better? Could I use any of the above?
OP JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Feb 23, 2016   #18
Dear EssayForum team members,

After several epiphanies that happened to me last week, I was able to finally write GT's first essay at ease. Please let me know if you can hear me in this essay.

Georgia Institute of Technology transfer essay:

What interests you about your selected program of study?

This passion, this fire, this burning desire for flight and space exploration led me to choose Aerospace Engineering as my program of study. It all began at the age of 12 when I boarded my first airplane. I felt a rush and adrenaline upon take off and landing, and I still do as of this day. Not only do I sit there in awe, but also I turn to the screws, the wing structure, the turbines, the window, the small hole that you see in the interior window, and the wordings on the wing that read, "do not step here." I hear the sound of the wheels closing in upon reaching a certain height. And I sit there wondering. Wondering how this big giant vessel is able to fly. In my head, I begin to wonder how it all works, and better yet, I ask myself, "What if I could build something like this?"

Likewise, the same rush came at the Oxford Observatory. My friend and I went to see the so-called "red moon" eclipse. I felt like a five year old. I was filled with joy and curiosity, as it was my first time at an event like this. I could feel everyone's enthusiasm. When my eye came closer to the giant telescope's eyepiece, the light came through, and there she was. The moon. The rush and adrenaline came again, and I felt as if I was on top of the moon.

The passion for these two grew so immense that I began researching about spacecraft, enhancing propulsion systems, and wondering how I could play a role within the aerospace industry. I became so obsessed that my nights are spent reading anything that has to do with space. And I began reading about Carl Sagan, Neil Degrasse Tysson and Neil Armstrong, among other pioneers in the space industry. I even have my space journal where I write any new information and ideas.

This fire that is inside me wakes me up everyday and gives me hope. It gives me hope that someday that rush and adrenaline will be felt again when leaving Earth's orbit en-route to another habitable planet in outer space. I found my purpose. And I will do anything and everything to reach my goal of becoming an astronaut for NASA, where dreams come true.
aikoashiya 1 / 39 26  
Feb 25, 2016   #19
Juan, while I think you've done a remarkable job over all the iterations of your essay, you still need to brush up on your grammatical errors, and I suggest that you have some friends/professors look over your essay for you before you submit your final draft.

e.g.

I felt a rush andof adrenaline

and I still do as ofto this day

Also, I would like to suggest a better structure for you. You've done a great job opening with how you first began to be interested in the field of study. After that, though you need to expand more on what you did to satisfy that interest (remove the 2nd paragraph, or condense 1st and 2nd into 1 paragraph, expand 3rd paragraph to be the main body and most detailed, last paragraph tie everything back together to your field of study).

Try to emphasize events that occurred more recently to you and your interest in the field, as these are more relevant to the kind of person you are today.


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