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Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education"


hellokitty930 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #1
My essay thread was deleted before, however I tried to be more descriptive in my subject. I had this essay up on another website and deleted that one as well. I really feel like this is one I want to work on and develop/revise. Any help will be very appreciated. Thank you in advance.

prompt:
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

My Valuable Education

My family does not have a legacy at any college. I will be the first generation in my family to be attending college. My mother came to America in order to pursue the 'American Dream' which was being strongly projected in South Korea at the time. The United States of America promised a better life for her and her family. She became assimilated into American culture and graduated from Los Angeles High School. Immediately after graduation she was driven to pursue her goal: to not live in poverty. She worked tirelessly within the fashion district in Los Angeles and became a self made millionaire by the age of 24.

In contrast, after high school I enrolled at Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising as a Marketing major, while my mother had opened me three retail clothing stores in the midwest. While having my own business before even receiving a degree, I realized two weeks into fall quarter, that my future was being spoon fed to me. At the time I was 18, and felt that this route was the safest, because regardless of the outcome I would always have my mother to rely on.

It is a popular quote, 'the apple does not fall far from the tree,' and it proved to be true my situation. My mother, the risk taker had raised a risk taker herself. Me. Crystal. I withdrew from FIDM before my first midterm. I was utterly confused as to what I should be doing next. I didn't necessarily find education to be such a necessity in life, and even as I withdrew from FIDM, I will not say I felt the need to be attending a four year institution. With nothing else to do, I took the reigns of my business. The next two years were spent on business trips back and forth to Idaho, Utah, and Wyoming. I was running payroll for my employees, dealing with CIT, and attending the MAGIC trade show twice a year.

Quickly, I became consumed with my job, and had began to accept the fact that I was not going to be going back to school. Yet among analyzing which juniors' tank tops would sell or flop, I could never feel completely secure in where I was at in my life. Any skills or talents I had were never applied to this job. I saw my peers at different Universities and Colleges and I was jealous of them. I envied how they could analyze literature and study other cultures from around the world. I missed being involved at school, and working hard for a test. I was missing out on a fundamental part of my life, which was my college career.

'Back to school' season of 2008 I realized that I would never feel any bit of accomplishment towards my company, because my company was actually my mother's. I would never be able to call any of my work, my own. I would never be able to make anything of myself besides working for my mother unless I took the initiative to return to school. I approached my mother with my proposal to attend COC and ultimately transfer to a four year institution. With my mother's consent, I made the decision to cut my full time hours in the office and became a full time student at College of the Canyons. I could see the fear in my mother's face, that I wouldn't be able to make it without her. The uncertainty of not being able to guide her daughter in the unknown terrain of college.

I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to pursue my educational goals. I am also very lucky to have been able to have some seriously thought provoking professors. I began my journey at COC a confused young woman who wasn't sure what would happen next, but as time passed, I matured and also learned vital aspects of who I am. I tend to analyze and observe my surroundings. I constantly find myself questioning society and the people all around me. I want to help people who need help. I enjoy critical thinking. I appreciate diversity. Through my introductory course in Sociology, I realized all these qualities about me as an individual. Due to the broad spectrum of topics which Sociology covers, it correlates with my career plans of becoming an immigration/family lawyer. By majoring in Sociology I will be able to increase my critical thinking skills and also be able to use the information I learn towards my logical reasoning. As a result, Sociology will make me a competent and well prepared candidate for law school. I am extremely anxious for the furthering of my education and my future career path, but most of all I am most grateful for the respect I have gained for the power which education offers to me. I thank you in advance for your consideration and time.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Oct 18, 2009   #2
There's workable material if you omit and adjust significantly. Leave out the sheerly irrelevant stuff and work on your "message." Also, take a more active approach. The energy is so lacking because your writing is immature.

Count how many sentences start "I." How many make use of the word "became" or a cousin?
How many suffer anemia through your listless tone?

I'll let you in on a shortcut. Count the number of sentences in your essay...
OP hellokitty930 3 / 8  
Oct 18, 2009   #3
Actually... you are very right. I would have never caught that one... it sounded a little redundant to me. Thank you so much... the essay has been cut down.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can make it sound more mature? Thanks so much :)
gongan - / 9  
Oct 21, 2009   #4
She became assimilated -> She assimilated
My advice: My mother quickly assimilated into American culture immediately after she graduated from Los Angeles High School, she pursued her goal: to not live in poverty.

Just edit your sentences by cutting out passive voice and streamline/combine. Make the admissions people want to help you!
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 21, 2009   #5
She became assimilated into American culture and graduated from Los Angeles High School. Immediately after graduation she was driven to pursue her goal:

In the first one, you said who 'she' is. Now you didn't, and it's confusing. Don't cut these kinds of things.

Now that all the 'I's are gone, it reads much better. Now you sound much more like a mature young lady. That will carry some weight with the committee.
OP hellokitty930 3 / 8  
Oct 22, 2009   #6
YAyyy! hahaah thank you so much :) I will definitely make the changes.
gongan - / 9  
Oct 25, 2009   #7
First two sentences sound choppy. I would combine them with an "and", but that's stylistic choice so it's your call.
I think you're misusing the semicolon in "American culture; after graduating", could anyone confirm this please?
"while my mother had opened me" sounds awkward. Change to "my mother had opened three retail...for me to run"
"Yet among analyzing clothing and swatches of fabric" should be "Yet between..." I think. Depends on whether "swatches" would be considered singular or plural. Confirmation?

I was missing out on a fundamental part of my life, my college career. <-- sounds stronger
Make "After taking an introductory..." active instead of passive by saying "After taking an introductory course in Sociology, I discovered my interests in..."

Hope this helps and if you have time, please take a look at my heavily edited Buchenwald essay and my edited Homeless essay. Thanks!

harrisontanh@gmail.com

-------

Harrison Tan
Blessing Dr.
Pleasanton, CA 94588
United States


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