Hey guys! This is my essay, all of it is true, but I am not sure if this works? I am fully open to ALL criticism and I KNOW I have grammar mistakes so please feel free to correct me! I was so concerned about the length that I had to keep cutting things out so I am not sure if the essay flows correctly anymore. (1,094 word count)
To Whom It May Concern:
How many bullets does it take to kill a human? Not many, but no amount of weaponry can destroy the impact one human can make on the world. I am far from the proverbial young adult, to say the least. I was born in Miami, FL but raised in Houston, TX up until almost 9 years ago. (Granted, that sounds pretty proverbial but I assure you it gets better!) My father was killed in a homicide when I was 12 years old, hence we move back to Miami for safety reasons. I had a hard time accepting my father's death; I went into a state of shock I suppose. Things were tough back then and they only got worse.
At the age of 14 I was raped and shortly after, at the age of 17, my mother was diagnosed with HIV. Between the ages of 12-14 I was experimenting with drugs which got me sent to a program that focused on parent-child relationships and drug usage. Through this program I was able to completely wipe myself of drugs, and the "friends" that came with it, have a remarkably improved relationship with my mother and basically get my life together. I went through such a drastic change that the director of the program gave me a job facilitating those exact workshops I sat through myself. "A success story that can inspire others to change for the better" and I couldn't have put it better myself.
After a year of helping others face the fears and obstacles I had to go through myself, I met my supervisor now, Alex, who offered me a job at UM having faith my experiences could impact on a relatively larger scale. After only a few months working at the University of Miami, dealing with HIV positive patients and testing others for HIV, my own mother was diagnosed with HIV. I am not sure if it was fate, destiny, or maybe just coincidence, but what I am sure of is that UM is where I want to be, not just working but learning from.
I have looked back at all my tragic experiences throughout several points in my life, all so very different. At one point I felt depressed and suicidal when I looked back at all that has happened to me and I use to ask myself "Why? What did I do to deserve this? I was only twelve-years old! ". I blamed myself for getting raped saying things like, "If I wouldn't have been there this would have never happened to me!" As I grew older, I realized that my experiences helped me be the person I am today. That all that I have been through, although very tragic, helps me relate to all the underserved patients I see on a daily basis. It gives me a sense of connection and understanding to what they're feeling, that someone who's never been through some of these tragedies could never understand. That said, and before this turns into a sob story, I decided to embark on my path to becoming a better professional and offer the underserved population, not only better, but more health-related services.
I want to go somewhere that will challenge me, not just academically, but as a person entirely. I want to spend hours engulfed in my assignments knowing that once I am done, I achieved a new way of synthesizing information. I want to be able to sit in a classroom surrounded by some of the greatest minds the world has to offer. Discuss ideas, perspectives and opinions regarding assignments with my fellow classmates.
Unfortunately, Miami Dade College (MDC) no longer offers that type of stimulation to a student who has been there for almost 2 years. After countless essays, flash cards of every structure and function of the human body, research papers ranging from "The Military Industrial Complex" to "Psychological effects of bullying", early mornings and late nights, I now sit in classrooms where most students would rather sit silently than ask a question or spark up a debate. Two years ago that wouldn't have bothered me, (or maybe I just didn't notice) but now, my hunger for challenge and inner ambition to be the best I can be is no longer satisfied by these traditional styles of teaching and learning at MDC. Don't get me wrong, MDC has offered all it can to me and I am more than grateful for the lessons and experiences it has given me, along some of the most exquisite professors I have had the pleasure of meeting. However, I want to be able to learn not just from my professors but also from the people sitting in that exact same room with me. I want constructive criticism in my work so that I can improve and come back with something better and stronger so that when I graduate, I have nothing but the best to offer my patients. I can think of no better place to do this at than the place that offered me a life-changing opportunity almost 5 years ago.
So here I am, hoping to receive yet another life-changing opportunity from one of the best universities for research and science majors this country has to offer, and THE best university in Florida. I want to participate in campus activities and cheer my football team on alongside fellow "Cane" students. I don't want to attend UM; I want to be a part of it. A part of something that contributes to the world of science and medicine everyday, in which I plan to contribute and change the world one day myself, even if I don't get accepted to UM. That said, when UM gave the opportunity to grow and contribute to the world even more, I became someone who created relationships with patients and staff in my field and helped a far larger population of troubled adolescents. My question is, "If I get accepted to UM, how big of an impact can I make this time?"
I am strong believer that, "It's the craziest people who believe they can change the world, that actually do it."
The
To Whom It May Concern: is unneccesary
revise the punctuation you used in this sentence, it sounds a little bit strange: Through this program I was able to completely wipe myself of drugs, and the "friends" that came with it, have a remarkably improved relationship with my mother and basically get my life together.
Take out the period here: old! ".
Dont say sob story here, that sounds overly casual: That said, and before this turns into a sob story, I decided to embark on my path to becoming a better professional and offer the underserved population, not only better, but more health-related services.
Don't say: Don't get me wrong
Overall, your life story is outstanding and makes for a good essay but I feel like the tone of the essay is overly casual.
