Prompt: why do you want to transfer? What will you get out of transferring to your new college?
"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - it was for your future". My mother was reminding me about the reason my family moved to America from P. when I was nine years old. I was reminded of my mom's words while walking across campus and I realized B. College was not going to help me meet my aspirations.
After my arrival at B. College, I was excited about getting involved and starting one of the most important phases of my life. I saw that the professors sincerely did their best in teaching the material to their students and the advisors really cared about their students and did their best in helping them. However, I soon realized that the environment at the college wasn't similar to one in an intellectual community. Most of the students in my classes weren't active in obtaining the best education for themselves. Their goal was a passing grade and they didn't want to challenge themselves. As a result of this, the bare minimum was expected from us. My Chemistry professor would constantly use the words "at your level" to teach his lessons. He would skip something that was difficult to understand and go straight to the answer, assuming that it was too complicated for us. I want my college experience to be in an environment where all the members of the institution are focused and active in obtaining not only the best grades but also obtaining knowledge that will help them for the rest of their lives. At B. College, I feel like my education and college experience have been limited. It is similar to high school where education was by the textbook and the goal of the professor wasn't to challenge us. By transferring, I hope to become a part of a strong intellectual environment where my fellow peers are interested in learning and want to explore and discover new areas of knowledge.
Another aspect of college that I was excited for after arriving at B. College was joining clubs and being active. I had participated in various clubs in high school and was used to the level of enthusiasm for being involved. I was expecting a greater energy as this is usually a vital part of a college. Soon after I started college I joined the Red Cross Club as I was interested in volunteering and helping others. The first meeting consisted of ten people including the board members. The following meetings had a similar number of students. This number really surprised me as I was used to a large number of members in every club during high school and expected more for a college. I soon found out that this was the case with most clubs at the college and most clubs that I was interested in were inactive. The majority of the students came for their class and left directly afterwards. I want my college to have a student body that is highly involved in clubs and the community. Clubs are the place to built a relationship with your peers, get involved and explore opportunities that aren't available in a classroom. To me the college experience is incomplete without an active student body.
I was a Chemistry Major in high school after gaining an interest in it after taking Regents Chemistry. I have slowly gained an interest in Biology after taking Human Physiology in High School and taking Introductory Biology in College. I have started to appreciate the linkage between Biology and Chemistry and realized that they aren't two different subjects but work hand in hand in our day to day life. That's why I decided to major in Biochemistry in College. It's fascinating to understand the chemistry of biological processes. Biochemistry focuses on the cell and small molecules and I have realized that to fully understand our body, we need to start there. However, to my disappointment, B. College doesn't have a focused Biochemistry major. I can major in Biology with a minor in Chemistry but doing this can't be compared to an intensive study of Biochemistry. The courses offered to me are also limited in scope compared with the ones I would be studying if I transfer. This is another way I am limited in achieving my future goals at B. College. By transferring to a college which has a acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can learn freely and not be limited by peers or the courses available to me.
Please Critique, this isn't complete. I just ant to know if I am going in the right direction. Thanks :)
"Child, remember why we are leaving our parents, siblings, house, jobs, and homeland? For your future." My mother was reminding me about the reason of my family's move to America from P. when I was nine years old. -------------------- This gives a good entrant to your essay, but I feel you should improve its flow. I suggest;
"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - It is becuase for your future". These words of my mom echored in my ears while I was sitting in my College Chemistry class and at that moment I realized B College was not going to help me meet the aspirations of my parents.
"Child, always remember the reason why we left our parents, siblings, house, jobs and homeland - it was for your future".Period here goes inside the quotation.
while walking across campus and I realized
teaching the material to their students and the advisors really cared
You might want a comma before "and" in these since they're independent clauses.
college wasn't similar to one in an intellectual communityConsider using something like "wasn't that of an intellectual community" for brevity.
education for themselves ...challenge themselvesThis is OK, but try merging the sentences or separating them with a semicolon, and/or saying something like "weren't motivated to pursue a high-quality education" to eliminate the double "themselves" :)
It is similar to high school where education was by the textbook and the goal of the professor wasn't to challenge usConsider making this less passive by moving it to the present tense: "It is similar to high school: education is by textbook, and the professor's intent is not to challenge us."
Another aspect of college that I was excited for after arriving at B. College was joining clubs and being active. I had participated in various clubs in high school and was used to the level of enthusiasm for being involved.The last part of the second sentence isn't grammatically correct, but the rest is OK I think. If you want, try "Another aspect of college that excited me before I came to B. College was the huge number of active clubs and sports activities on most campuses; I participated in various clubs in high school and loved the enthusiasm that they evoked in their members."
Red Cross Club as I was interested Comma after "Club" here.
The first meeting consisted of ten people including the board members. The following meetings had a similar number of students. This number really surprised me as I was used to a large number of members in every club during high school and expected more for a college. I soon found out that this was the case with most clubs at the college and most clubs that I was interested in were inactive. The majority of the students came for their class and left directly afterwards.You spend a while on this. I think you could effectively communicate the lack of enthusiasm in about three sentences, if you wanted, and it might help with the flow of ideas. The last sentence, for instance, is sort of unnecessary -- the reader can easily imagine the clubs being inactive.
place to builtShould be "build" here.
To me theYou need a comma after "me" here.
I was a Chemistry Major in high school after gaining an interest in it after taking Regents Chemistry.You should take this sentence out because it doesn't serve as a real introduction to the paragraph, you branch off from it.
I have slowly gained an interest in Biology after taking Human Physiology in High School and taking Introductory Biology in College. I have started to appreciate the linkage between Biology and Chemistry and realized that they aren't two different subjects but work hand in hand in our day to day life. That's why I decided to major in Biochemistry in College. It's fascinating to understand the chemistry of biological processes. Biochemistry focuses on the cell and small molecules and I have realized that to fully understand our body, we need to start there. However, to my disappointment, B. College doesn't have a focused Biochemistry major. I can major in Biology with a minor in Chemistry but doing this can't be compared to an intensive study of Biochemistry. The courses offered to me are also limited in scope compared with the ones I would be studying if I transfer. This is another way I am limited in achieving my future goals at B. College. By transferring to a college which has a acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can learn freely and not be limited by peers or the courses available to me.Incorporate your chemistry interest here: "After taking several classes in biology and chemistry in both high school and college, I developed an appreciation for the linkage between these two fields. [ADD STUFF HERE ABOUT WHY THEY'RE SO COOL.] I had hoped to major in biochemistry in college, but to my disappointment, B. College does not offer a focused biochemistry major; the courses offered to me here are limited in scope compared to those that I will be able to study if I transfer. By transferring to a college with a vibrant student body and an acclaimed Biochemistry Major, I can work towards the aspirations I've had for so long, and towards knowledge of a subject I am truly passionate about."
Great content, good luck!
Oh! Also, you don't need to capitalize a field of study (chemistry, biology, etc.) unless it is the formal title of a class (with the exception of subjects that would be capitalized in any use, like English or American something).
Nice job
Writing is too meandering and please try to write short sentences as I did such mistakes more the longer sentences more the theme diverted and mistakes.
I soon found out that this was the case with most clubs at the college and most clubs that I was interested in were inactive.
most clubs in two places shows redundancy.
. I have started to appreciate the linkage between Biology and Chemistry and realized that they aren't two different subjects but work hand in hand in our day to day life.
Biology and Chemistry are inter related
tipi
