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UC Transfer Essay - Econ Major, and Event that Shaped my life.


BDhaliwal 1 / -  
Nov 14, 2010   #1
Please provide some feedback it would be greatly greatly greatly appreciated.
Essay Prompt #1

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Few events in my life have changed me and made me a better person, my dads quest for a better life are one of those events. My dad used to work a nine to five job as a Vice President of Production at a small software company, until office politics made him quit his job. My dad was 51 at the time, which made it extremely difficult for him to get a new job. My dad is an extremely bright man, he got a 4.0 in his masters degree at the University of Texas Houston. His dream was to pay for my sisters and my education and live comfortably and all this appeared to be lost because of his recent predicament. My dad worked with extreme resolve from that point on until he found a small business two hours away from our home. It was a good price and using his general knowledge from his education he was able to determine that with a good amount of work that this small business would be able to support are family for generations to come. From then onwards everyday my dad would drive two hours and spend ten hours working for a year until that small business was running successfully without problems. Before all this happened I was in senior high school and I didn't try at all, I did the bare minimum to get by and was more interested in my physical education class than my math class. Both my parents tried to tell me how important education was, but as most naive children did I passed the advice off. But when I saw my dads situation and how important his education was even if it wasn't in his specific field it changed me for the better. I saw the structure, general knowledge and respect a degree gives you. From that day onwards I vowed to get an education and do what my dad will do for me and pay for my children's education so they get the same opportunities as I did. However, by the time this epiphany came to me high school graduation time had come and nothing could be done, so I took advantage of the community college system and have maintained an excellent GPA, gained self confidence, and overall feel like a person that actually contributes to society. This event not only made me a better person, it set me up for a life full of success and education.

Essay Prompt 2#

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

In high school I already decided that I would be following in my father's foot steps and be pursuing a degree in computer science. However, through the course of my education in Diablo Valley College I took a general education class in Micro-Economics. This class was an eye opener, the theories I learnt and their practical uses intrigued me. The class also showed me how big an impact economists have in the world we live in today; how we need good economists to fix our problems with our economy and how a few economists dictate to some extent how the United States economy operates. My Macro professor Mr.Tontz increased my appetite for the subject, his stories of being an economist in Russia and helping them with their economic problems really inspired me. While my micro professor Mr.Sabetan was one of the best proffesors I have ever had and his real world examples of micro economic theories really helped me understand the subject. With my new found interest I began to take a closer look at the family business, a gas station, which previously garnered no attention from me. I spent a lot of time looking at the pricing models and how what I learned in my economics class was put into practical use. Where I could see some of the new economic theories I had learned put into practice. I also started noticing basic economics applied in everyday situations, when I went to the store I saw sales and understood the reasoning behind them. Before I was always under the impression that sales were used to take a loss but to move old merchandise but now I understand that by cutting the price to a certain extent an increase in profit does occur. I even saw a specific example in my dads business, gas stations are a geographic oligopolies. There are a few firms in a geographic location dictating the prices of gas, and I saw how the kinked demand pricing theory was put into effect. The more and more I saw real world examples of the theories I learnt in the class room, the more I wanted to learn. My Dad saw my new found interest and offered me a job at the family business, I took the job without hesitation. I impressed him and his partners so much that I was promoted to manager of a few gas stations in charge of all paperwork and pricing. It wasn't exactly and economists job but it was close enough for the time being. Now I feel that a Micro and Macro economics class is just not enough, that I want to learn the most possible and possibly be a contributing factor in the economy today. I aim for a PHD in economics and am keen on obtaining nothing less.
fairgirl99 1 / 2  
Nov 14, 2010   #2
The first prompt was kind of choppy in the beginning. You started out with so many "My dad" and it causes the disruption in the flow of the essay. I suggest you should talk more about your experience than giving out too much of "My dad"

The second prompt, it looks good. However, I would suggest that you should describe how your job would help you with your interest in computer science, be more specific and descriptive about it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 25, 2010   #3
If you say "Few" it means "not many"
But if you say "A few" it means "Some."
There is a big difference in meaning.
A few events in my life have changed me and made me a better person, and my dads quest for a better life are is among the most significant of those events.

It is important to use separage paragraphs for each idea you want to express:
From then onwards everyday my dad would drive two hours and spend ten hours working for a year until that small business was running successfully without problems.

(new paragraph)
Before all this happened I was had been in senior high school and I didn't try not trying at all. I did the bare minimum necessary to get by and was more...

This event not only made me a better person, but also set me up for a life full of success and education.

In high school I already decided that I would be following in my father's footsteps by pursuing a ...

When you add an "extra" word to a sentence, separate it with commas:
My Macro professor, Mr.Tontz, increased my appetite...

professors

You explained your interests very well in this second essay, but you could go a little further to discuss

experience you have had in the field

Most importantly, use paragraphs!
one paragraph = one idea, and the idea is expressed clearly in the first sentence of the paragraph.


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