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UC PROMPT#1(transfer) "i will not lose my family anymore"


mcleoy 1 / -  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Hi, every one, i just found this great forum. i stated my personal statement kinda late, this is my rough draft. any comment is welcome and appreciated。

Prompt:
1. What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Hot spring was sprinkling on my face gave my body relaxation. It started form my face to whole body then infiltrate inside till to my mind. Recollections came out: "my dear, do you know who I am? Do you know where you are..." my mother was holding my father's hands when his mind got unconscious. Doctors were busy with putting medical injections for my father. But I was watching in front of the IUC room perplexedly and fearfully without doing anything helpful. I regret that I should have brought him back to China, where the hospital is considered to have more experiences of nasopharyngeal carcinoma treatment, if our family financial circumstance allows; my memory jumped to 2 years ago, I heard the sad news from China that my uncle had passed away due to the pneumonia. My uncle is in a bad way financially like my family is, his business failed because of one wrong investment. Money is not everything in our life, but it is critical when a family suffers illness. My uncle spent all of his money pay the medical bill when he got a serious apoplexy. As a result, lack of costly medical care during his recovery, illness knocked him down permanently. Again and again, I lost 2 of my most respectful families forever, ever, doing nothing helpful. My heart is tearing and my breath is held whenever I think of this. "I have to do something to stop it, I have to do something!" my heart cries. I redefined the faith of my life: being capable enough to protect the people I treasure. I am not going to lose them ever! The lost of my families tells me that inappropriate investment or financial decision can bring fatal consequences to any family and finally get to the sadness. For the sake of my faith, I aspire to continue my education major at business economic, business accounting or finance.

After a year I immigrated to the United States, I got a part time job as a Proof Operator in the Bank of America. My job is to operate a proof machine, encodes, endorses checks and deposits and performs a variety of clerical functions relating to check processing. I worked in a team and corporate with my teammates. Dealing with numbers in the check processing, I have to be very responsible and circumspective since a small mistake can result in customer's big loss, an individual fault can cause great disorder to my team. Since I solidified my education goal, I motivate myself to get closer to my major field and have joined an investment club in City College of San Francisco in 2009. The club provides many seminars from professionals in the business field, which give me many insights. From investment workshops, I learned a lot basic trading skills like short and long. Besides, I try to run my "investment" in a virtual stock exchange online system. Critical analyze to the data of a company based on a company's operating results is a key to achieve your investing goal.

I would love to gain more professional knowledge capital with strong desire and undiminished enthusiasm in the field of business economic, accounting and finance. Hopefully I can become a financial counselor who can help my family, friends and people out of financial difficulty.

premis 2 / 2  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
Hot spring sprinkling on my face relaxed my body.
Would sound better?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,337 129  
Dec 1, 2009   #3
Hot steam was hitting my face, giving my body relaxation. It started form my face to whole body then infiltrate inside till to my mind. Recollections came out: "my dear, do you know who I am? Do you know where you are..." my mother was holding my father's hands when his mind got unconscious. Doctors were busy with putting medical injections for my father. But I was watching in front of the IUC (is this supposed to be ICU?) room perplexedly and fearfully without doing anything helpful...

You have a great idea, but your English is not perfect. I can't help very well, because I don't know what you mean o say with some of this. I hope you will bring it to people who will help you some more. This is such a good idea... money is not everything, but it is important when medical issues arise.

I am not going to lose them ever! The struggles of my family tells me that inappropriate investments or financial decisions can bring fatal consequences to any family and finally get to th and, ultimately, sadness.


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