An immigrant from Korea, I knew little English when I came to the United States at age if 16. But that was a small obstacle compared to the challenge I found when I became a US Marine at age of 18. Boot camp and Marine Corp Combat training helped me discover strength I never knew I had.
I was not ready for the rigor of crucible week which is the hardest training in boot camp. Rain dropped and smeared into my body while I was hiking with 50 pound bags. After the face the Reaper which is an extremely steep hill, my body was intimidated by steep hill, and my jaw dropped. My platoon started walked up the hill, while I was fallen back from my platoon. However, I slowly walk up the hill with my motivation. When everyone was on the top of the hill, I was half way there with my molly pack. I never gave up, and I finally made it to the top with cheering from the platoon. After the hike, everyone was eating the "Warrior's breakfast" which is a reward breakfast for hard work during crucible week, but I could not partake due to falling back. However, the MRE, the Meal-Ready to Eat I had was the most delicious food I ever had in my life
After surviving a rough time in boot camp, I faced a month long physical training with the real Devil Dogs. Yet, I was so weak that I could barely finish the boot camp training. I had another long hike at the end of my training, with my molly pack, which is called the "Ankle Breaker". This time I wanted to show my platoon, and instructors what this real Marine could contribute motivation to this platoon. My blood started to pump into my body, and I was getting stronger. After arriving on the top of the hill, I shouted out my leftover motivation and dedication.
I was so overwhelmed that my hard work paid off by earning the Gungho Marine Award. Gungho marine is the most motivated and Marines who motivates others by hard work. I set the example for my platoon, so fellow marines then followed me with their motivation and dedication. Being at attention in front of 500 people was so amazing. Putting Gungho under my heart was the proudest moment I have had.
am i following the order? is this grammar good?
My platoon started walked up the hill... change walked to walking
After the face the Reaper which is an extremely steep hill, my body was intimidated by steep hill, and my jaw dropped
this sentence also need to be reworded as it is somewhat confusing
I think the biggest issue is grammar, which can easily be fixed
I felt blood started being pumped through my body, and I was getting stronger. After arriving on the top of the hill, I shouted out my leftover motivation and dedication.
I was so overwhelmed when I learned that my hard work paid off by earning the Gungho Marine Award.
Sorry it took so long to help you! This essay is great, but it needs a theme. Come up with a few key words that characterize the experience for you; it obviously has a theme already, but you need to name it in that first paragraph. This was an experience of ________
It seems like a good theme for this is "rising to the occasion."
