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U Of I Transfer - 'to start the new chapter of my life'

grayj106 1 / 1  
Feb 19, 2012   #1
This is just a rough Draft. I want to know is this a good start or should i go in another direction?

Explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous
institution and how your academic interests and/or professional goals
will be fulfilled in your intended program of study?

1. When I was a senior in high school I made up my mind that I
wanted to go to a University. I had chosen a school that I was
interested in attending and I had the date scheduled that I would go
to orientation. The day of orientation came and went and I really
liked the vibe that school was giving off. I had my classes and my
roommate assigned to me and I was just eagerly waiting to start the
new chapter of my life, but unfortunately that day never came. At the
last minute my family couldn't come up with the remainder of the money
to pay for the tuition so I ended up going to South Suburban Community College.
This tragic let down took a toll on me for a while because I was
utterly disappointed that I wouldn't be at Xavier University. At first
I didn't take school seriously because I felt that there was no reason
to apply myself knowing that this is not where I want to be. One day I
decided that I would not let this situation take control of me; I was
going to take hold of the reins and control my life. I than let my
passion for not wanting to be their work in my favor. I know that a
lot of students would have let this hold them down because the
neighborhood where I am from frowns upon community college, but I knew
this was just a huge stepping stone that I had to get over to achieve
my ultimate goal, to be an obstetrician/gynecologist. I believe my
academic goals will be met because the University Of Illinois at
Champaign-Urbana has a program for my field on campus which will be a
great advantage for me.

byeung1489 4 / 10  
Feb 19, 2012   #2
You should not mention the school that you originally got in, or wanted to go.
Talk about how you came back, what you have learn,and after how is make you better today. What did you learn in during yo time in community college?

All are very important points, what can you bring to the school other than academics?
You draft need ore thought into it. But, I think you are having a right idea.

I hope you do well.
ChichoTran 7 / 15  
Feb 19, 2012   #3
Do not say, "ultimate goal" just say "goal." it makes it redundant to have it there.
There are some grammatical error so do make sure you read it out loud.
Also, I see you have a lot of 'I's' If you can, use as lets I's as possible. Make the sentence appear as if you were there without using I. Makes the essay a whole lot stronger.

There are not a whole lot of powerful words here. Consider rewording some.
Plus mention one thing that U of I offers you that other institution doesn't.

I hope you do well too!
OP grayj106 1 / 1  
Feb 21, 2012   #4
Thanks to everyone who answered.... I modified it can you leave comments suggestions and fix mistakes

Students are encouraged to go to community college for the first two years to save money, but this is not the path I wanted to embark on. Unfortunately, my family didn't have the money to pay for me to attend a university. I was utterly disappointed, due to the fact that where I am from community college is frowned upon and I didn't want to be part of the statistic that my community set for South Suburban. What I didn't understand was that going into this situation with a closed mind would put me right in the middle of the statistic. Any situation is what you make out of it and you shouldn't base your state of mind off somebody else's experiences. Initially I didn't apply myself because I didn't want to be there, but being at this community college has taught me a lesson. It doesn't matter what situation you're a placed into you should always put your best foot forward. It's like my track coach use to tell me "When you fall over a hurdle don't lie on the ground, get up and attack the next hurtle with the same intensity. The biggest lesson I learned is that community college is still college, which means that you can't use the same study methods you did in high school. I'm not exactly sure what I want to major in, but I know I want to pursue a career as an Obstetrician/Gynecologist. Unlike my current institution, U of I has a College of Medicine on campus. The College of Medicine has a department of clinical science that has Obstetrics as one of its subcategories.
ChichoTran 7 / 15  
Feb 29, 2012   #5
One thing that stuck out to me is do not use shorten words. Like for example, "Don't, won't, I'll." Avoid apostrophe at ALL cost! Makes the essay seem sloppy. You are a college student now, and admission office expect you to write one now. Meaning those words I mention before is a no-no.

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