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UC prompt#1 - transfer student, econ major

Here is a rough draft of my application essay for the UCs. I am applying to Berkeley, UCSB, UCLA, UCSD, and UCSC for the business economic major. Any comments would be extremely helpful!! I just discovered this site, and I thank you all for any comments that you might have!!


Economics represents a crucial part of the average American's life. In my opinion, it explains why and how our world revolves and how we can change it. Now more than ever, I can attest to how economics impacts my life and all persons around me. With the financial crisis of the United States in full swing, people are relying more and more on new developments on economic theories and ideas. Free trade, globalization, health care, and taxes are some of the many current and intriguing topics being debated. No time is better than now to continue my passion for business economics in a good learning environment. With the real life issues at my fingertips, I can gain more knowledge and experience than ever before.

When I was a child, I grew up in a house with CNBC on the television in the morning during breakfast and "Wall Street Journal" or "The Economist" on the kitchen table. I was always fascinated by this mysterious "other world"; a world where I was eager to grasp the language spoken and the motives behind the foreign ideas. Being a prominent figure in the business world, I looked up to my father as a role model. Here as a child, I began my discovery of the business and economic world. It started gradually, as I sat down to watch CNBC in the mornings and inquisitively asked my father questions of the words or ideas that I did not understand. After my first Economics course in high school, I knew that this industry is where I belonged. Not just because I understood and agreed with the ideas, but because I was fascinated by the fact that they were all applicable to most situations in my life. In college I was privileged to have, from my personal experience, the best economics teacher in the area. He brilliantly explained the theories and ideas to me in a way that made perfect sense and triggered my curiosity. It was while I was enrolled in his Macro and Micro Economics courses that I decided Economics would be the focus of my undergraduate education.

When I was 15 years old, I decided that I wanted to have my own business. I deeply desired to be a part of the professional world while doing something that interested me, so I joined Avon. Becoming an Avon representative gave me the resources necessary to start my own business as a makeup consultant and the freedom to manage my own cash flows and revenue and choose my target markets. This experience indirectly taught me so much about consumer and producer tendencies, supply and demand, and consumer choice. One of the most important economic principles that I learned during this time is that people respond to incentives. When I held parties or sold my products at a discount, I noticed that people were inclined to buy more from me.

My fascination for business and economics grew as I attended Canada College and decided to apply and undertake a financial representative internship at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. This internship significantly helped me grow and learn about the economic world, while providing me with experience in the field that I couldn't have had in any classroom environment. I took many training courses and seminars that contributed to this, including obtaining my California state license for life, health, and accident insurance. The experience did much more than provide me with knowledge to succeed. Building my own client base and helping those clients achieve financial security helped me develop excellent networking and business relationship skills that will be a key to my success in the future.

These enriching experiences have served me with a strong desire to continue my education in economics. Though driven and resilient, I am still aware of the challenges, as well as the opportunities, that lie ahead of me. With a well-rounded education guiding me and further expanding my perspective in my major, I firmly believe that I can tackle anything that comes at me with my head held high. My internship and work experience have provided me with both the aptitude and qualifications to excel at the UC schools; and upon admission into your program I also hope to make a personal impact and contribute to your institution as a member of the academic community.

Good afternoon :)

You've got a great piece here. You describe your experiences and then do a good job of explaining what you gained from each one. I wouldn't change anything!

Moderator, EssayForum.com
Nov 26, 2008   #3
wow, i must agree, a very well written paper. the only thing that i might want to point out is the ending. this was some advice that was given to me because i did the same thing and so im kinda just passing it on.

the referring of the UC schools and then stating "your program" ... you're applying to a lot of UC's and they are not all the same so grouping them as so kinda makes you sound like you're trying to fluff any UC you can get. the case would be different if you are applying to specific schools.

with that being said i think your essay is REALLY well written and i'd love your feedback on my prompts because it still kinda needs some work.

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