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Transfer Essay to UMASS Amherst - Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you.


karathomas13 1 / -  
Apr 11, 2011   #1
Background: I found out that I can't come back to Champlain College due to money issues yesterday, it's kind of a relief because I wanted to transfer because I wasn't challenged but have a life here that I didn't want to leave. I was lucky enough to just make the UMASS deadline, which is on the 15th, which is stressing me out like no other... so here's my essay. Feel free to rip me apart and add to it.

Millions upon millions of people each day wander this Earth with the constant question of why they're here. I always knew. I am one of the lucky ones, one of the people who knew that my job in life is to inspire children to inspire others. This was the easy part of college- I knew what I wanted and I knew I'd do anything to get there. I worked hard throughout school and took up as many extracurricular activities I could that did not involve running. I overloaded myself with presidencies, fundraisers, and yearbook pages. Quite frankly I was over worked, but still being the ambitious person I am I did it all and more. Then the hard part came; I had to choose a college. This I can assure you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, beating out taking care of my drunken mother each night, and getting 109 seniors to agree on a class song.

When I chose Champlain College it was due to the pressure from my peers and authority figures; mostly my guidance counselor who was certain I could get into countless schools despite my not so perfect grades. So here I am at Champlain College, I have friends, I have a boyfriend, and I have a wonderful life. The Elementary Education program here is ideal, and I've gained so much. I just feel I am destined for more. As stated before, I am an ambitious individual; I live to challenge myself.

My whole life I have aspired to become a role model for those younger than me. I have set goals high for myself to live a successful life, I have persevered through countless obstacles such as my mother who drinks excessively and refuses to help pay for my education. I learned early on that I want to work for my education, and my successful life. Unfortunately I have encountered another obstacle, and I'm needed closer to home for personal reasons.

I have done my research, and I believe that the University of Massachusetts Amherst will be the best place for me that's closer to home. I know the large campus is full of opportunities for me to meet new people and advance my skills. Most specifically the UMASS Big Brothers and Big Sisters program, I would love to be a role model for a "little" and plan things on campus. I love to plan things, so any committee where I could help raise money for the school through a fundraiser of some sort would be ideal for me. At UMASS I know I will have so many chances to better my skills as a leader, planner and helper. I am also a bit overly excited to be at every game cheering on the Minutemen and help boost school spirit. Although this obstacle came suddenly and I was not aware until just earlier this week that I would be transferring, I feel as if it is a blessing not a curse. I have already fallen in love with the programs and classes offered. I cannot wait to make new friends as I continue to keep the ones I have met at Champlain, I cannot wait to immerse myself in the University of Massachusetts and give my all to any organization that needs me. Bernice Johnson Reagon, a historian once said, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." I am fully prepared to take this challenge and give it my all. I refuse to let this change paralyze me. I know I will be happy at UMASS and know I will be an asset within the education programs, organizations, and community.

mglaz1 2 / 13  
Apr 13, 2011   #2
Hi Kara,

Wow, I am inspired by this essay. You are driven , motivated but did not do well in HS so you went to an "easy" college, and deserve and need better.

You might want to point out ways you will be challenged at UMASS. Also, I am not certain I would mention money as a reason for transfer, or be so frank about the reasons for going to Champlainin the first plance. Hope this helps...

Mike
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 13, 2011   #3
to inspire children to inspire others.

If you give this complex idea, you need to follow the sentence with some explanation. I would like to hear about this idea of inspiring them to inspire others, butt I think most of the essay would need to be dedicated to explaining what you mean. So... you can either simplify it (i.e. "to inspire children.") or you can give at least a whole paragraph to explain what you mean.

The drunken mother comment is not relevant... it's as though you just worked that in because you wanted to mention it. But keep that sort of thing out of an essay like this unless it represents the theme. And even then... it is strategically best to be "professional" in this kind of essay.

The way to improve this is to read several articles -- recent, professional journal articles -- and mention some recent advancements in the field... show that you are keeping up with the wave of advancements in your chosen field. That'll make it more credible.

I hope the AO reader enjoys this as much as I did!
mglaz1 2 / 13  
Apr 22, 2011   #4
Hi Kara,

Sorry for taking a bit to get back. I would tend to agree with Kevin to take the drunken mother part out...unprofessional.
In the below sentences they doe not seem to flow and seem a bit confusing

I know the large campus is full of opportunities for me to meet new people and advance my skills. Most specifically the UMASS Big Brothers and Big Sisters program, I would love to be a role model for a "little" and plan things on campus. I love to plan things, so any committee where I could help raise money for the school through a fundraiser of some sort would be ideal for me.

The first sentence and second do not transition. Is the Big Brothers program a way to advance your skills? It does not seem clear. What type of opportunity is it? The "I love to plan things" sentence does not relate to the preceding one. Is it a way to advance your skills?

At UMASS I know I will have so many chances to better my skills as a leader, planner and helper. I am also a bit overly excited to be at every game cheering on the Minutemen and help boost school spirit. Although this obstacle came suddenly and I was not aware until just earlier this week that I would be transferring, I feel as if it is a blessing not a curse.

These sentences seem unrelated their is no flow to them. There are 3 separate ideas that need to be tied together.

Some nice ideas , but still needs some more work. Hope this helps.

Mike


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