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TRANSFERRING HIGHSCHOOL, solving problems mainly through a trial and error.


maxima 1 / -  
Oct 24, 2015   #1
"You are transferring your school," my mom said during my 8th grade year. A statement that struck me during my lengthy summer break. Initially surprised, I wondered whether or not I will be able to transition from one society from another. Attending a korean school for at least 9 years in my life, I was doubtful if this was the best choice. A sudden gush of feelings came through my mind: doubt, happiness, anxiety, and sadness. There were many farewells I had to make and many hellos to make. "Where am I going?" I asked. "A small International School," my mother replied. A school full of people from various countries; A school with foreign teachers; A school that only speaks English. This was what I imagined how an International School works and I worried if I could fit well in this environment.

Growing up in a multi cultural family, life was generally difficult. It was hard to fit in a specific "group." It seems that I could not fit in both Korean and American cultures. I always had a tint of the other culture. I was lost in my search of identity because of the society around me that conforms to the idea of good grades. Because of this, while others were enjoying their time hanging out, I stayed home thinking about my identity. A boy from two ethnicity, unable to fit in into one. A lost boy stranded on a vast sea. I was that boy.

New kids, new environment. A whole new world for me. Before transferring schools, I had a class of at least 40. But in the new school, I had a class of 18 at the most. Day one, silence. Day two, silence again. It was not a piece of cake. As a reticent korean school boy, merging into an international school was not easy even for a hard-working, diligent person like me. Day after day, I slowly merge into this school, being a part of the community. Picking up habits from others here and there. This school has changed me for my life. As the years past, I became more confident in my speech skills and grown to be better at social relations with others. Now, in class, I am ambitious, trying to find ways to solve problems mainly through trial and error.

Hi, this is just a rough draft that I am working on. Is it going well? Can I get any pointers and advice on how to make it better? It seems that this topic is mundane. Also, is the topic too broad and should I narrow it?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 24, 2015   #2
Hey Michael, I just want to make sure that you are answering prompt 1 which deals with a meaningful background, identity, interest, or talent? I just need to confirm it because there are 5 common app prompts this semester and the universities tend to switch them up depending upon their own requirements. Let me know if I am right ok? In the meantime, I will review your essay based upon content. I will help you with the grammar problems once you confirm the prompt. I would like to lessen the repetitions of your essay editing which is why I am leaving the final grammar edit for the very end.

In your first paragraph, you just state that your mother decided to transfer you to an international school. Don't be so direct to the point in this instance. This is your first paragraph. The basis of the whole essay. So make sure to build the background for the decision to move you to another school before you make the announcement that your mother decided to transfer you. Establish the underlying causes in order to create a connection between that event and your background. Show us why this event is important to you.

By the way, please correct the following:
- I always had a tint HINT of the other culture.

In your second paragraph, you explain that you are a lost boy. Can you provide some information about why you felt even more lost after transferring to the new school? I know that you are implying that you felt even more lost during the change in schools but it is not as evident as it should be. Did you have any experience during the adjustment period that left you feeling like you would never fit it? That is still an important part of the background story so develop that angle.

Once you have better developed the first two paragraphs, I am sure that you will be able to either develop the third paragraph further. It will develop a direct connection with the first two paragraphs and you will find that the revision for the third paragraph will be necessary in order to reflect additional information. Just do the necessary changes as it comes up. We will be here to help you clean it up :-)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Nov 3, 2015   #3
Michael, first of all, it's good that you already have a topic, regardless of how broad it is, it's still a good way to start an essay.

One thing that you have to take note of is the idea of the topic, you should be able to mainstream your thoughts to be able to come up with a concrete essay.

I'd like to share my thoughts on your work.

- from one society fromto the another.
- Attending a K orean school for
- There were many farewells I had to make and manya lot of hellos to makebe made .

- It was hard to fit in a specific "group."( on this part keep your quotation marks inside the sentence and then you add the period)

- I always had a tinthint of the other culture.
- Because of this,W hile others were enjoying
- A lost boy stranded i n a vast sea.

- Day one, silence. Day two, silence again.Days passed and I was just like a wall flower, it was not a piece of cake.
- As a reticent K orean school boy,
- This school has changed me for my life.
- As the yY ears past,and I became more confident
- in my speechcommunication skills and grown
- to behave a better at social relations with others.
- Now, in class, I am ambitious,

There you have it Michael, you see, nothing is difficult to a person who is never afraid to try new things. Almost a year ago, I also didn't think that I would be able to be of service to students like you, but with constant research and the determination to pursue my passion in teaching and communicating to people all over the world, here I am, letting you know my thoughts and giving you just enough advice to create a powerful essay.

Practice writing more and oh, for future reference, whenever you write a name of a country or ethnicity, like "Korean", make sure that the first letter is capitalized.


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