I need help reviewing my essay, welcome to criticism and to admiration.
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Transformation is not just a change. Change is often reversible and external. But transformation is lasting and happens from within. A caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. A child transforms into a youth and an adult. A country transforms into a nation. To manifest that potential into performance, vision into action, we need fundamental transformation of attitudes and mindsets. I have always believed that every human being who wants to be something in today's world is unique in the way that they have a very astute sense of their own capability and know what they want from life. Likewise from a very early age I knew that I wanted to enter the world of business and carry forward on the one hand my family legacy and on the other my own hopes and aspirations. My father always told me that business is nothing but interactions between people to solve their mutual needs. This adage by him has often helped me conduct myself in business scenarios and has always helped me understand why and how a product or service provider conducts his business. But I really understood the true meaning of this statement when I interned at his jewelry showroom this summer.
It is extremely capital intensive and needs lots of investment in inventory. It is client centric and requires one to win the trust of the esteemed customers. It is fiercely competitive and offering something new to the clients every time is the key to success. This business is far more challenging than I had envisioned it to be. I gained a wealth of knowledge about the properties of rare gemstones when I started reading about the jewelry industry and literature on gemstones. Empowered with these technical details I am now able to understand our business with enhanced clarity and confidence. Within a month, I started interacting and dealing with our loyal clients to suggest them the best trends in the jewelry market and market our designs and products to them. During the last week of my internship at our jewelry showroom, I met a young, fashion conscious couple that wanted to buy a unique gemstone. Grabbing this opportunity, I pitched some of the rarest and most expensive gemstones to these discerning clients. After two hours of convincing and explaining, I was finally able to close my first big deal by selling a vintage gemstone at a bountiful profit.
My business management skills, very befittingly were also showcased through my 2 years of unwearied contribution towards hosting, my schools Model United Nations Conferences 2014 and 2015. I had always been interested in the wellbeing of others and was always ready to take up voluntary work, like the time when a day before the conference the Rapporteur for our ECOSOC committee failed to show up; I voluntarily stepped in and took up the post and in-turn got due commendation for it from my teachers and team members. This meant that besides being part of the Organizing Committee and responsible for allotting 150 countries to approximately 40-45 schools whilst handling the finances, I was also part of the Executive Board. I enjoyed my work for the conference, as it gave me a sense of purpose and achievement. Not only did it teach me to be a team player but also some key skills of how to be a leader, such as how to listen to people's problems and follow certain guidelines on how to deal with a situation.
When I recall that evening, when over dinner, my father praised my ability to pick up new skills quickly and commended my confidence and sincerity towards the business; I remember how he invited me to his room to have a chat on how we could start a new luxury gemstones division. He kept jotting down my ideas in his personal diary, which was also the first time he was taking my ideas and suggestions seriously. That day when I walked out of his room after a long business discussion, I had realized that I had finally entered adulthood, and in the coming years I would be able to make my forefathers proud of me through my business expansions in this century old company.
Drumil, this is a very unique take on the informal transition to adulthood on your part. It is something that tells the reviewer that you more than ready for college and are most likely capable of handling more responsibility than one would normally think that a person of your age can handle. The fact that there was real interaction between your father and yourself clearly indicates that moment of transition and the trust plus additional responsibility that he was now placing upon your shoulders. Good work!
However, the story is marred by the inclusion of the reference to the Model UN that you participated in. It removes the focus and blurs the actual transition story that is most effective in your essay. If you would just remove that part and just concentrate on reviewing, editing, and revising the story of your internship and how your father came to acknowledge you as an equal in the workplace, that would have a far greater effect upon the reviewer than suddenly inserting the UN story. Try to find another situation at the office where you can display and explanation of your newly found business management skills. That will be more effective in the essay rather than using a totally unrelated event such as the UN meeting, in describing those skills.
