I'm a junior applying for Cornell's summer program. I've already written my statement, and would appreciate any feedback/criticizing.
To be more specific, I feel that my introduction sounds a bit akward.. thoughts?
a.) Briefly list your three most significant interests and activities, including any employment or volunteer work experience.
b.) Note the time you devote to each activity, during which grades you participated, and your main responsibilities.
c.) Describe why one of these interests or activities is important to you, your reasons for becoming involved in it, and your related accomplishments.
( I didnt include my responses for a and b, as they arent really essays, its just for reference. if you do want to see them, feel free to tell me.)
c.) It's quite baffling; I seem to be at a loss of words when I face the question of what
boxing means to me, such tremendously influential part of who I am, and I can't even put it into words. Perhaps I can better explain with an account of my past.
Being born and raised in Virginia, I've always led a transient lifestyle because of my
father's business. When I moved to Canada, I went through four different schools and
three different homes. It was there that I was introduced to boxing, an adventitious event,
the significance of which I didn't yet realize. In moving back to Virginia for high school,
I'm unfortunately in the same situation today, having already attended three different
schools in the past three years, although still active in boxing. Such a transitory lifestyle,
if anything, has always given me a certain disconnection from school and life in general,
and if it were not for boxing, I would just be another kid without direction. This sport has
given me a sense of purpose, a sense of being. It embodies who I am, resonating
throughout my character, my values and especially my precepts. I've learned how to be in
equanimity, both in and outside of the ring. I've learned how life, like boxing, is unfair.
But I always know where I stand. To date, my greatest achievement is the 2nd place to
the title in a conference. Although not particularly meritorious, I now have a clear vision
of my goals. More importantly, the most significant way I've been affected by this sport
is burning desire I now have inside me to pursue perfection in all aspects in my life, not
only in the ring, but in education as well. I have a newfound thirst for knowledge that is
incomparable to everything else, and has propelled me to take advantage of every
opportunity. As clichéd as it sounds, boxing is my savior, for I can't even begin to
contemplate where I'd be without this sport in my life. I don't even think I've fully
comprehended what it has already done.
This essay is good. I feel that you have described the emotional connection you have with the support as well as how it's influence on other areas of your life. There are a few suggestions I would make :) and since you have posted on this forum... I am going to go ahead and do so. :)
Since this is an application essay for Cornell's summer program (awesome, by the way!) I would suggest you remove all of the contractions in your essay.
For example:
Being born and raised in Virginia, I'veI have always led a transient lifestyle because of my
father's business. When I moved to Canada, I went through four different schools and
three different homes. It was there that I was introduced to boxing, an adventitious event,
the significance of which I didn'tdid not yet realize.
I suppose that it is more of a personal opinion, but contractions (to me at least) seem to be a more informal way of writing and speaking.
Also, a few of your sentances feel a little long. Again, this could also be personal opinion, but if you can I would try to break up a few of them slightly.
For example:
Such a transitory lifestyle, if anything, has always given me a certain disconnection from school and life in general,.
and ifIf it were not for boxing,; I would just be another kid without direction.
This sportBoxing has given me a sense of purpose, a sense of being.;Itit embodies who I am,The values learned from this sportresonatingresonate throughout my character, my values , and especiallymost notably my precepts perceptions (?) . I'veI have learned how to be in equanimity, both in and outside of the ring. I've learned how life, like boxing, is unfair.It is through the trials of boxing, that I have learned how unfair life can be, but I always know where I stand.
But I always know where I stand.
Once again, I think that you have done a great job showing the emotional importance boxing has had on your life. There are just those couple sections above that I felt did not fit the rest of your essays "voice". I hope that this helped some, and good luck! If you wouldn't mind take a look at mine as well.
Good ideas, here...
I think the second time you use "transient" you should choose a different word. I mean, you use two different forms of the word, but I think you should use an altogether different word the second time, like "nomadic."
Such a transitory nomadic lifestyle, if anything, has always given me...
a certain disconnection from school and life in general-----Great introspection here. And you write in a very sophisticated way.
The thing to do is make a clever connection at the end between the sport and the creative inclination that draws you toward your field of study that you plan to take up at this school. Be decisive about your course of study, because that is most impressive. And if you change your mind later, that is fine, too. But for now, be decisive, and make some connection between this essay and the overall purpose of the education you are planning by applying to this school.
:-)
