This is my essay so far. I am looking for a eloquent way to transfer into the part of the essay where I tell more about what I have done to become a nurse. Help?
I twisted uncomfortably in my chair as the sounds of my best friend vomiting up the candy bar I had brought him subsided. Although his father assured me the chemotherapy was entirely at fault, I was cursing myself for being so naïve to his condition and the severity of it. Forcing back tears, I gathered all the strength I had just to smile at him as he turned around to look at me.
Zach, a long-time friend and sixteen year old self-proclaimed comedian, was diagnosed with cancer when a malignant brain tumor was found on his frontal lobe just two weeks before. Although Zach's friends and family knew something was wrong because of his dramatic personality change-he was once comical and extroverted, and now it was a fight to get him out of his room-the diagnosis came only when a psychiatrist recognized his eyes would quickly shake back and forth when he was asked to raise them.
As he faded to sleep, his small and seemingly exhausted mother began to tell me the details of his condition-he rarely laughed, his memory was altered, and the only action left for them to take was to wait patiently for the doctors and surgeons to cure his life-threatening disease.
We both jumped to hear the familiar knock on the door, and awaited the entrance of Zach's nurse, a woman in her late twenties with black-rimmed glasses and her hair gathered into a loose bun. The mood in the room began to lighten, as she loudly welcomed a dazed Zach into consciousness. She joked about the "deliciousness" of the meal he had earlier eaten, the plainness of the room, and she assured him she would bring him something more interesting to watch than the documentary that had been playing for hours on the aged television that hung above us. She did not approach him in a weary way, as I had, but rather, she was cheerful and appeared to have no idea my once rambunctious friend was ill in any way at all. He seemed comfortable around her, and she around him; they looked as if they were old friends, caring for one another-her for his physical condition and him for her emotional one. They seemed equally dependent on one another, and it seemed to me, even after only a short time, she was meant to care for others; she was meant to provide them not only with medicine and clean sheets, but also with optimism and endurance.
That night, as I returned home, I did my best to put my emotions aside and decided to instead devote my time to not only brightening up Zach's life, but also the lives after his. And now, almost three years later, I am determined to do this by following in the footsteps of his admirable and high-spirited nurse.
Because I made the tough decision to attend a two-year college prior to attending a university, I was able to gain firsthand knowledge of the requirements and sacrifices becoming a registered nurse would require. I looked to my peers for encouragement and perseverance, and I found it helpful to hear the stories of nurses, who told me, with pride, of the struggles they overcame to make their dream possible.
Although I am not promised a stress-free college experience or career, becoming a nurse will enable me to not only provide for my own family and other families, but also to continue learning throughout my life. It is impossible to obtain ultimate omniscience in the healthcare field. There are always ways to improve your knowledge base, increase your capacity to withhold stress, and better strengthen a patient's mental health with more than pharmaceuticals. I intend to excel in my field of choice-starting at Texas State University, but ending only when my assistance is no longer required.
"I am looking for a eloquent way to transfer into the part of the essay where I tell more about what I have done to become a nurse."
First of all, to clarify your question, I believe you are asking how to transfer into material you have not yet written. Correct? And that material involves experiences that qualify you for your major or have inspired you to choose your major? You are not yet a nurse, so that is what you must mean.
Start by choosing experiences you have had that took place within the last three years after the one discussed in your introduction, write about one or several, and then connect the two segments by, for example, referring back to the nurse that inspired you in the first place, and how you have changed to better reflect the qualities you admired in her.
I like the narrative style and the sentimental emotions it invokes. Try your best to eliminate as many "to be" verbs as possible. It strengthens your essay and makes your language more poignant.
First sentence has too much info for my mind to easily process:
I twisted uncomfortably in my chair as the sound vomiting subsided. I had brought my friend a candy bar, which he ate, began to digest, and promptly returned to me.
Oh, alright, nevermind that suggestion I just made... I started to try to make it funny, but now I see that this is not a funny topic..
I twisted uncomfortably in my chair as the sound vomiting subsided. I had brought my friend a candy bar, but he could not keep it down. Although...
This is excellent. You can harness the wisdom demonstrated by that nurse even if you become something other than a nurse. It is great insight... share your positive energy if you can maintain it!
So is there a word limit? If you have plenty of room, keep this sentence, but if you have a limited amount of space this is unnecessary description: "We both jumped to hear the familiar knock on the door, and awaited the entrance of Zach's nurse, a woman in her late twenties with black-rimmed glasses and her hair gathered into a loose bun."
Anyway, you can simply begin a para that tells about the steps you took, the articles you read, the nursing professionals you spoke with, and so forth.
Tell a specific philosophy of nursing, perhaps including the terms autonomy, cultural sensitivity, nonjudgmental, continuous study, research based practice, and so on. Read some articles for inspiration!
:-)
First sentence has too much info for my mind to easily process:
I twisted uncomfortably in my chair as the sound (of) vomiting subsided. I had brought my friend a candy bar, but he could not keep it down.
I must take issue with this criticism. The first sentence is both concise and understandable. Efficiency in these essays is the key, and the combination of details in this particular sentence is quite efficient. The admission board should have no problem understanding this sentence. Chopping it into more accessible bits will be backwards progress.
Please refer to the following article concerning the modern problem that has no doubt caused this criticism:
theonion.com/articles/nation-shudders-at-large-block-of-uninterrupted-te,16932/
Thank you. Any more feedback?
Here is an updated version. Constructive criticism will be SO appreciated. I would love to return the favor.
