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The Transition - 500 word college application essay

zadea 1 / -  
Mar 23, 2017   #1
Both topics must be addressed in the essay.

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

The Transition

A hurdle I had to overcome was my family's transition from the city I was born and raised in--- Gainesville--- to the massive city of Tampa. The news of this move was unforeseen as my dad decided to drop the big news a month prior to moving. As an 8th grader shifting into high school, this news struck me rough. I didn't see the move as opportunity like my father did; at the time, all I could think of was leaving the friends I grew up with and the city I grew accustomed to. Broadmoor, the neighborhood I grew up in molded me into the person I am today. Broadmoor was filled with kids and my brother and I were friends with just about everyone. Being exposed to kids of diverse culture and backgrounds shaped me into an open minded individual. I learned to accept people no matter their skin color or how they looked but for the person they are inside. Learning this at such an early age made me an affable person and helped me make many friends that I still communicate with to this day. Growing up in Broadmoor gave me quality traits that will aide in living a successful life. Having to leave my beloved home felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind.

Sadly, the transition had a much more distressing effect on my mother which formed a stormy cloud over my head for quite some time. After a few days of living in our new home, my mom went into a manic state. Every day late at night, I would find my mom mindlessly pacing around the house. Seeing my mom in this zombie like state took a toll on me and my father. I was so busy thinking about my mom all the time that it was insanely difficult to focus on school work and make new friends. We took her to the doctors as we could not bear to see her in such a state. The doctor prescribed her anxiety medicine, however we learned afterwards that the medicine prescribed made the situation much worse. My mom was in what seemed like a hopeless state at this point, having little to no sleep and being drugged up on prescription medicine; it left us no choice but to call 911 and get her immediate help. The sight of my mom being rolled away strapped in a stretcher is an image engraved into my head. After what seemed like days, my father brought my mom home and she was in good spirits. I was overjoyed seeing my mom being herself again. Thankfully, I have yet to encounter a situation as unfortunate.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,873 4563  
Mar 24, 2017   #2
Zade, the essay accurately responds to the second prompt requirement. It is highly informative and shows how your original home state helped to shape the person that you are today. However, that is not the only culture or environment that helped you to hone the person you have become. It would be better for your essay if you include a reference as to how your current town or city has helped you to continuously shape your personality and character. After all, you did not stop developing and growing when you left your original community. In my opinion, you should use the move to illustrate your response to both points being discussed in the 2 prompts. That is because the focus of the "bump" in the road, the "move" actually delivers a clear idea of the circumstances you had to face and how you dealt with it. The dealt with it part is what you should develop in the essay. By discussing your mother in the essay and her medical problem, you totally shifted the focus of the essay from yourself, to your mother. The essay became part about you and mostly about your mother. The only important character in this essay is you. So revise the part about your mother if you wish to make reference to her in the essay. Discuss instead how her illness affected you academically and personally. Then explain how you overcame that obstacle once she received proper treatment. Right now, your exposure in that discussion is a mere footnote in the overall discussion and that should not be.

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