This is my college admissions essay. There wasn't a prompt, it is supposed to be a personal essay. I wrote about my transition from public school to virtual school. My essay is 458 words and the maximum is 500 words. Take a look and give feedback please :)
To say that being taken out of what you've known your whole life is challenging is an understatement. To adapt and alter your way of life will be the greatest challenge you will ever face.
The hustle and bustle of the early morning social crowd drowned out my silent thoughts. I watched as all my friends paraded around in delight, pondering about the forthcoming summer months. With two weeks left of school, I should be doing the same thing, right? Wrong. Instead, my Mom informed me that morning that I wouldn't be attending public school any longer. How could I be thinking about going to the beach or hanging out with my closest friends when the thought of never attending River Ridge High School insisted on taking over my mind?
It felt as if my world was crashing down around me. All the things I was looking forward to my sophomore year were being ripped out of my hands in one fell swoop. The activities I anticipated doing in my last few years of high school didn't excite me anymore. What would happen to all the friends I had made? How would I do cheerleading outside of my school team? The transition from public school to virtual school would be by far the most challenging task I would ever have to perform.
As the summer was dwindling down, I reminisced about those long, hot beach days when I had no cares in the world; it suddenly hit me that life as I knew it would change. While everyone started their new school year, I would be at home on my computer. It seemed anomalous to work under these circumstances.
Four weeks into my curriculum, I was overwhelmed with the quantity of work. It took me being organized, motivated, and self-disciplined to reach any level of success. I was so used to having everything laid out in front of me. Instead of the usual "A" that would be hung on the refrigerator, I felt like all I had to look forward to now would be a "B" average. I had no clue if all of my hard work would pay off. My gut was telling me "no", but my motivation was telling me "yes".
As the next few months went by, I patiently waited for what seemed like an eternity. My grades would finally be presented to me in my first virtual school report card. As I slowly opened that package from the mail I couldn't help but realize that my success in this world would soon be laid out in front of me. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. My greatest challenge in life was overcome when the line of straight A's were hung on the refrigerator.
You started the first sentence with "to..."
So, let's start the second sentence with a gerund instead:
To say that being taken out of what I've known my whole life is challenging is an understatement. Adapting and altering my way of life has been the greatest challenge I have ever faced.-----Almost always, it is better to use the first person perspective. Do not address the reader as though you are preaching to her.
...couldn't help but realize that ... ---Can you use a different verb here? "Realize" does not seem right.
I like this essay, and I just want to give you some advice that I often give: Stay mindful of the single, powerful message you want to give your reader with your application -- the theme of your application. It should have something to do with the goal that makes you want to attend this school. Your career aspiration should be mentioned here somehow, as though everything you say or write leads back to your reason for applying to this school. Can you incorporate your SPECIFIC aspiration into this essay somehow -- perhaps at the end?
:-)
