I'm looking for any ways to improve my essay, so any feedback is helpful. Be honest, even if it's brutal. I'm concerned that I didn't fully answer what the prompt was asking, the topic isn't well covered and that it might not be long enough. Again anything you find wrong with my essay, please say something! Thanks a lot everyone!
The Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
My Essay:
Community and money is the support for everything in our world. Schools are one establishment in particular that depend mostly on the support of the community and proper funding. Schools use the money for everything from paying salaries to maintaining facilities, and everything in between. Although we know the general use of money around schools, sometimes the topic lacks transparency, and we don't know exactly what our money is being used for. During these hard economic times it's more important than ever to know that if we are paying for something, it is in fact going to benefit the establishment and be used for good.
Recently at my school there was an issue regarding money and the way it is handled by the faculty. The head athletic director had been working for the school for the past 17 years, and under his direction the football team had the most success since the schools opening in 1978. On Thursday, October 14 the athletic director was charged with stealing $27,000 dollars from vending machines and fundraising events in the district over the past 4 years. He was also accused of skimming money from the sale of playoff tickets, though the accusation never stuck. In the end he was tried by the county grand jury and was convicted of 10 counts of felony theft, and 3 counts of felony computer fraud. The crime shocked our community, and led to some question about school policies.
This event was the perfect example of what can happen when money is not properly handled and accounted for. It illustrates the dire need for transparency when it comes to funding. People deserve to know exactly what their money is being put towards, and the administration needs to keep better track of their funds. School districts need to revise policies and rules when it comes to the way money is handled, stored, and used throughout the schools. In these economic times, everyone is struggling with money and people don't want to let go of what they have. If the policies were revised to offer more transparency to the issue of money along with new regulations for handling the money, not only would it make the money the school has more beneficial, but it would also encourage more people to donate to fundraisers and other school related events. When people see a positive impact their money has, they feel more secure about donating versus donating and not seeing their money make any difference. The more strict the regulations are for money handling, the less staff members will be tempted to pull scams or skim money off of school related activities. With less money being lost to skimming, scamming, and poor book keeping along with the extra money brought in through proper transparent fundraising, schools can increase their total amounts of funds available to upkeep the schools and make additions to better the facilities and ultimately the establishment.
When schools have more money to add to their funding, and more revised policies evidently they have an opportunity to make their academic establishment a better one. To me schools are one of the most important things, because they shape and educate each generation, which ultimately at one point, end up being responsible for the progress of America. Schools can not sit idly by and let problems like this happen then do nothing to prevent a future problem similar to the original. Schools need to be our top priority, and their funding needs to be their top priority. Without proper funding schools are forced to cut back, rely on out of date text books, and lay off faculty members, especially in times like these. Like William Somerset Maugham once said, "Money is like a sixth sense - and you can't make use of the other five without it". Without proper funding and transparency for the use of it, academic establishments are ultimately headed towards a long gloomy road.
Community and money is the support for everything in our world. Change is to are. I know what your are trying to say but you still have to change it because that is gramatically incorrect. Also try to add a little more about how the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation. You added how it impacted your community but try to expand it just a little
Rubberman is right... Community and money is are...
Same problem here:
Schools are one schools are plural...
Schools are represent one...
Schools use the money for everything from paying salaries to maintaining facilities, and everything in between. Do not state the obvious. Only include sentences that help to make your point.
Add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that tells the reader clearly what issue you are discussing in the essay. If you add one more sentence to reinforce the point, the reader will feel certain that she knows how to interpret what you are saying.
To me schools are one of the most important things institutions, because they...
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