hey can you guys help me out with my essay? i would really appreciate it
the prompt is to choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
my essay:
As I walked through the crowded, filthy alleys that connected the town of Jamnagar, I finally realized the true reason I was put on this Earth. It was a revelation I never imagined having at such a young age.
That day I was traveling through the small town in India with my cousin who was giving me a tour of everything there was to see. There wasn't much I realized. There was a central market area where everyone did there shopping, and one jam-packed street that was the highway of the town. He introduced me to all the merchants and shop keepers, and his friends who were also walking the streets, trying to find something to entertain themselves with. Through all of this, only one thing caught my eye. A young woman, no more than 35 years old, was sitting in a small alley with her baby. The baby had no clothing except for a shirt that was dirty and torn apart. As people passed by, she begged for money and sang hymns from the holy Hindu book, the Gita. It amazed me that such a young person and a small baby could be going through something like this. From the blankets and pillow around them, I realized they were too poor to buy a house and from how thin they were, I could tell they were malnourished and could barely afford any food.
The most shocking part of this experience, however, was when I slowly leaned over to my cousin, with out taking away my eyes off of the mother and child, and asked him if we should do something to help. Before he answered he let out a small giggle and said that this is nothing new in our city let alone the country of India. He told me poverty has always been here and that it was such a large problem that the littlest thing, like giving food to this family, would do nothing on the large scale of it. I was taken aback by his statement. I never thought that poverty was such a serious problem, but then again I was a young, immature 11 year old who rarely traveled outside of the state of Texas.
My cousin continued to walk, but I stood as still as a statue and continued to observe this mesmerizing moment. So many thoughts ran through my mind, but the only one that stood out to me at that second was my sudden appreciation for my life. While poverty stricken people, like this women and her baby, were struggling to eat just one meal, I was at home lounging on my couch digging through a bag of Doritos with no worries about if I was going to get to eat dinner that night let alone be concerned if I was going to live to see tomorrow. I also valued the education I was receiving more than I ever have before. Everyone in the United States has an equal opportunity to go to a public school and earn their grades to prepare for a more successful future. Plenty of students take this for granted and don't work hard nor appreciate the quality education they have the option to receive. Children in India who suffer from poverty would jump at the chance to even learn to read. This thought changed my mind set about school completely. Now, every time I ever see myself slacking off in any type of school work, I try to think of those kids and put myself in their shoes and it inspires me to take advantage of the opportunity I have.
This sudden occurrence, to me, was that one life changing moment, that revelation we all have at one period in our lives. For some of us it can come at a young age like it had for me or right before you die, but we all will experience it one way or another. Knowing that people in India, people I consider my brothers and sisters, my own "family", live in this way, just could not sit in my mind without me wanting to do something to change it. At that moment, as I stood there watching the mother and child in pain, and praying to live another day of life, I made my life decision.
I told myself at that instance, that I would one day after college and settling down, I would come back to India frequently, and try with all my might, to change other people's lives in any way I could. I wanted every child to have the same opportunities other children are having half way around the world. The main aspect of life I wanted these poverty stricken children to have was an education. To me, having an education is more than just to get a good job and earn money; it is having knowledge about the world around you. That is why when I do get the chance to come back to India, I want to travel through the slum areas of Jamnagar and try to gather around a small group of children and have a small school type class any time that I can while I am there. This way I can teach kids who have no opportunity of learning the basics of math and reading so it can help them through there life and hopefully if they excel in it, they can get a job when they grow up. The far reaching goal I have for these trips to India is to gather enough money to one day open a school in a poverty stricken area. This is a goal that will take a lot of time and effort, but I am dedicated to achieving it.
As I walked through the crowded, filthy alleys that connected the town of Jamnagar, I finally realized the true reason I was put on this Earth. It was a revelation I never imagined having at such a young age.
It is very bold, perhaps too bold, for you to be claiming that this issue is the reason you were put on this earth. I would rephrase the sentence to say something more along the lines that when you spent time walking through the slums, you finally discovered your greatest passion. It doesnt have to be passion, but something less controversial.
There are a few errors in sentence construction or word usage, but overall its a very good essay. However, the UT essay has a word limit of 300 words, and you have near 1000. I think what might help you write your essay is to lay out on a piece of paper or here in a post what the goals of this essay are - what you want the reader to take away from this essay about you. After you list those things, look at each sentence and ask yourself if that sentence really contributes to the goals you listed. I think you have alot of quality material in this essay, but you will have to cut alot of it in order to meet the word limit, so try to keep the most important information.
