So i'm not exactly a good writer. my grammar sucks and this is only the first draft. feel free to dissect this essay. thanks!!! also, suggestions for titles would be nice too:)
UC1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Traveling has shaped me to think as an intellect, appreciate diversity as a cultured individual, and explore as an adventurer. The Smithsonian Museums humored my intellectual capabilities, prompting me to validate the facts against my own understandings. Backpacking across the Hoh River and eating stinky tofu both required a willingness to explore by trying new things and taking risks. As opposite as they seem, drinking high tea and milking cows cultured me to respect diversity. Altogether, my parents raised me to travel with an educated eye in order to gain a wider perspective of life which inadvertently nurtured my interest in history.
The tour guide at the Hearst Castle approached me and told me young girls hand-wove the rug I was admiring. I knew Mr. Hearst utilized child labor in his newspaper business leading me to wonder which factors would prevent him from doing the same for the rugs. In that moment, I was tempted to assume he exploited child labor in this incident but instead remained open minded, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Considering the impeccable craftsmanship of the tapestry, I intellectually deduced those little girls probably worked their entire lives and experienced childhoods different from mine. Each artifact around me cradled a unique story hidden behind its immediate attraction and I wanted to unravel them all. Perhaps these rugs were imported and woven by children of other countries. Not knowing bothered me. My strong desire to seek out the rug's history triggered my decision to study history in college.
My trip to Taiwan's National Palace Museum inspired me to venture beyond my comfort zone of studying American history. In contrast to the Smithsonian Art Museum I had visited years ago, the Taipei museum boasted 4 stories of raw oriental artwork, a symbol of the continent's profound and rich history. Even though I couldn't understand the words, my cultured eyes still appreciated the presence and grandeur of the museum itself. I entered the museum with no foreknowledge of Eastern history but exited with a newfound appreciation for other country's history.
Although I possess a penchant for American history, traveling to another country has broadened my horizons to see that US history is only a small fraction of world history, offering me a global perspective of history. For this reason, I aspire to adventure beyond my comfort zone of US history to find a meaningful historical emphasis, maybe Eastern history, and hopefully study abroad in Europe.
It's great, you connect your passion for history well with what the prompt is asking. I think you should reduce the usage of the word "history" in the last paragraph especially. It takes away the passion behind it if you repeat it so many times. Also, i really liked the rug story and i feel like you had something going there but you quickly jumped to another story. Maybe just focus on that one story with the rug and make it a symbol throughout the essay. You already began doing that by saying how you want to "unravel them all." Maybe carry that on and connect it with the conclusion by saying how you want to study history because there are so many things to be unraveled and learned. Just a suggestion. :) Great job!
Well... I have mixed feelings.... Yes, you talk enough how those travelling experiences influenced your perception about the world and also your character. However, I feel this is an ideal response if you are to talk about your interests. When you are to talk about the world you come from I find it pretty hard to see this response in that light. Have a look at the following description which I found when searched for t a guideline for this particular task;
- "World" is a versatile term. The prompt gives "your family, community and school" as examples of possible "worlds," but they are just three examples. Where is it that you truly live? What really makes up your "world"? Is it your team? The local animal shelter? Your grandmother's kitchen table? Your church? The pages of a book? Someplace where your imagination likes to wander?
