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"I have traveled to many places" - UC Application Essay Prompt 2


tsunami 1 / 17  
Oct 18, 2009   #1
Prompt:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Flux

My father and mother came across the sky, penniless, but excited more than anxious. Both received PhDs from UC Davis as they accustomed to the new culture. Although I am proud of them for their education and ability to obtain inspiration from challenges, I am most proud of their love to travel.

From Atlanta to Toronto, I have traveled to many places. Whenever I recall those extraordinary experiences, nostalgia overcomes me, but I am nevertheless eager to discover new places to conquer, because I learn more of the world as a whole. From a very early age I have enjoyed a changing environment, and I believe this has somewhat shaped my character. A Chinese proverb states: Mountains and rivers may change over long periods of time, but people can never change. I contend otherwise. I have been able to change myself into who I want or need to be and I enjoy endeavoring to make myself a better person.

From the second to seventh grade, I was always unpopular and taken advantage of. Since I had skipped a grade, I was younger than my peers, and at first I thought this was the main reason for the seemingly universal antipathy towards me. I was convinced people saw me as an annoying little kid. So from my eighth grade to my freshmen year in high school I grew quiet. I really wanted to change how people viewed me so I started to pay attention to other people who were popular and read novels such as Invisible Man. I learned and changed a great deal in the process. I knew it paid off when I was elected runner up for Homecoming King my senior year.

But this is not the only aspect of me that has changed over the years. I was a careless person. I remember, two years ago, when I took calculus at UAB; on the first midterm, I did poorly from simple arithmetic errors. On my other tests I had the same problem but this one went too far. But I turned this into a positive influence of inspiration by promising myself that I would take my next test cautiously. I remember that day we had 90 minutes to finish the test. By the time the clock reached 75, I was the only one left. I received a perfect score. My professor was surprised that I had such endurance and changed so much from my previous tests. But I knew that "change" reflected my strength that I am someone not defined by his previous achievements or failures. This change seeped into other areas as well. That year I had lost my cell phone twice. However, after that test, I became a more careful person overall. I believe that this prudence contributed to my popularity as well, since I became cautious and aware of what I said to others.

I do not take what I have for granted- I am proud of everything I am, but most of all, my ability to introspect and change.

Tips please?! Thank you!
sv6554 2 / 5  
Oct 19, 2009   #2
1. I like the title.
2. It's well-written.
3. The relationship between travelling and change could be better, I think, because, even though your essay is well-written, it's not exactly...captivating.
4. I noticed that you begin your sentences with "But" quite a bit. Once in a while is okay, but I think it would be better overall if you changed a couple of them.

"I was convinced people saw me as an annoying little kid. So from my eighth grade to my freshmen year in high school I grew quiet." These two sentences could be combined to make the essay more fluid.

"But I turned this into a positive influence of inspiration by promising myself that I would take my next test cautiously. " I'd like it more if a word like 'however' were used instead of 'But', but maybe that's just me.

"...I am someone not defined by his previous achievements or failures." Omit his; the first time I read it I thought 'his' referred to the professor and it confused me.

I did that on my calculus tests, too, and I still do (although now it's also spread to physics).

:)
OP tsunami 1 / 17  
Oct 19, 2009   #3
Thanks so much for your advice!
Anyone else?


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