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'tremendous opportunities' - Brown: Interest and Appeal to Brown


allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 14, 2009   #1
Prompt: Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

1000 Characters

I used the diverse programs and classes offered at my high school to narrow my academic interests to a single, apparent category. I came to find that I love computers. The incorporation of my two favorite subjects, math and science, fascinates me, and it creates challenges that I love. There is a certain type of excitement that comes with computers that creates in infatuation.

The prestigious and world renowned programs and professors that Brown University is known for will help craft those infatuations into something more. To craft these infatuations I will need more then an average education, and Brown University will craft my interests into lifelong passions.

I have been influenced by the tremendous opportunities Brown has to offer. The distinguished professors and eminent programs present me an immeasurable amount of opportunities. I look forward to to using Brown's distinguished programs and eminent professors to change my infatuations into something more, into a love and a career that I will be paid for what I love doing.

Okay so basically this is a short answer supplemental for Brown. I have put a few sentences of my other essays together. Do you think it hits the prompt? Are there any mistakes? Do you have any suggestions for grammar, structure, or anything else?? All help would greatly be appreciated! =)

Also, I added that last long sentence in just because I was at about 820 characters, but I'm not sure if it adds to the essay.. If it makes sense.. or if i should keep it.. Let me know what you think!!!
bluemenon 2 / 8  
Dec 14, 2009   #2
There is a certain type of excitement that comes with computers that creates in infatuation .

I think there is a problem here.

To craft these infatuations

Maybe you could change this sentence to "To do so" to avoid repetition.

And about the last sentence, for me it's not necessary as you're just repeating the same thing. But then again, it's totally up to you. Hope this helps.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 15, 2009   #3
Through experiencing the diverse programs and classes offered at my high school, I was able to narrow my academic interests to a single, apparent favorite .

The incorporationblend?? of my two favorite subjects, math and science, fascinatesintrigues me and it creates the challenges that I love inspire me. There is a certain type of excitement, born ofcomes withthe endless possibilities thatcomputers represent, that creates an infatuation.

that creates an infatuation...Hmmm, I think you can do better with this description. Being infatuated with a computer is kinda creepy :)

Your second paragraph needs a lot of work on the organization aspect.

I like the last line you put in, keep it. Work some changes and post a second draft. I will be happy to proof it again.

Blue skies!
Jeannie


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