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'all the trials and tribulations I have experienced' - GWU Transfer Admission Essay


ashc79 1 / 4  
Oct 8, 2009   #1
This is the first rough draft of my essay. Any feedback would be much appreciated!

A little background:

I'm 29 years old
Have 13 years of legal assistant experience
Did not do so well in previous schools attended due to my personal situations stated in the essay
In the last year I have been attending school, I have a 3.85 GPA and will finally have an AS degree next spring.

Here goes:

Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.

Through all the trials and tribulations I have experienced, as well as the hopelessness that would sometimes wander its way around, I would never been the person I am today. I started out in 1997 as an enthusiastic early college student and did well. College was definitely for me as I love learning and growing. However, in the years to come, I had not foreseen the turns my life would take. Between a mother being sick for years, an abusive relationship and finally bad divorce, I woke up to find myself a 25 year old woman who was alone. Because of these circumstances I felt I had completely failed in my schooling and had come to the terms I would never achieve my dreams.

I decided to take the challenge and move to a couple of different cities and learn more about myself. I lived in Philadelphia, Delaware, San Antonio and the District of Columbia. I met so many new friends and had such great experiences I finally believed in myself and achieving my dreams again. I also learned how much I love urban areas. There is so much you can learn about life when living in multicultural cities. During this time, I feel very lucky to have worked for some very bright attorneys at top world wide law firms.

In January 2009 I packed my bags and sadly left Philadelphia in pursuit of continuing my education in my home state, Utah. In the last year I have been attending college full time, while juggling volunteer activities and a full time legal assistant job, which between normal hours and the overtime required, I have averaged a 50 to 60 hour work week. Being successful in my studies during the last year has broadened my horizons and made me realize I can do what I once thought was unattainable. I will achieve a Bachelor's degree in Finance and International Business and minor in creative writing (which is something I have come to really enjoy in the past few years), then continue on to law school.

I remember spring time in Washington and days when I would go sit at the Lincoln Memorial and become one with my thoughts. I love the diversity in the city and miss that life very much. I feel that George Washington University will not only bring me back to the city, but also to that great feeling of being immersed in a diverse community within the school. I feel there would be nothing better than being able to learn, serve the community and personally grow at George Washington University.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 8, 2009   #2
The second one is clearly better.

Watch out for cliches. They always make a writer look lazy. So you "woke up' doesn't really work. try "became aware" or something to do with self-realization there. And hopelessness doesn't "wander." Sometimes it gallops, or creeps, or crashes or envelops.

Read it out loud and see what you think.
OP ashc79 1 / 4  
Oct 9, 2009   #3
Thank you. I will definitely revise with your suggestions. I really appreciate you taking the time to read over.
OP ashc79 1 / 4  
Oct 13, 2009   #4
I have completely revised and revamped. Would someone please be willing to read and critique?

Thanks!

Without the trials and tribulations I have experienced, as well as the hopelessness that would sometimes envelop, I would not be the person I am today. I began as an enthusiastic early college student who thrived. However, in the coming years, I had not foreseen the drastic changes ahead. Experiencing my mother's chronic illness and death, an abusive relationship and finally a bad divorce. Feeling I had failed, I abandoned my goals in life. I became aware that I was 25 years old, divorced and alone in Delaware. I realized I needed to do something drastic and spontaneous to find myself again. Rather than return home to Utah, I picked a spot on the map and moved there. D.C. was my first experience, followed by Philadelphia. Coming from suburbia, I realized urban living is definitely for me, diverse cuisine, endless entertainment and various cultures are now a necessity.

Through 13 years of hard work as a legal assistant, I have been successful professionally and had the opportunity to work beside very bright legal minds in worldwide firms, many of which taught me invaluable skills. The experience and work ethic I gained has shaped me into an exceptional student who realizes the formerly unattainable is finally achievable.

A year ago, I decided it was time to continue my education and returned to college full time. During this year I have maintained stellar grades, volunteering in the arts and working as a legal assistant, which between normal hours and the overtime required equates to 60 hours weekly.

I find many different factors of the university attractive. As an American, I would like the opportunity to learn at our nation's first university, its rich history and the brainchild of our first President, George Washington. President Washington's idea created a top university and through its growth is a fact that hard work and perseverance create infinite possibilities. GWU has experienced many life changing events in U.S. History while continuing to educate. During wartime, students would leave to serve their country and in some instances GWU housed anti-war protestors. GWU has been a resident for all U.S. history; I hope to become a resident and witness in the future.

Due to my interest in Finance, International Business and Creative Writing, GWU offers countless opportunities to gain knowledge, conduct cutting-edge research, study abroad, leadership and career development; as well as community involvement. The capital markets trading room, the advantages of being in the nation's capital amongst the Federal Reserve, IMF, World Bank and numerous foreign embassies are priceless. By studying under the diverse GWSB faculty, I will become an expert in my field, gaining first hand knowledge while becoming thoroughly and properly prepared for law school. Considering all the above opportunities and being able to live in an urban environment, "Why not GW?" I feel that GWU will not only bring me back to beautiful D.C., but also that amazing feeling of being immersed in a unique community within GWU. It is my utmost desire to be chosen to become a Colonial and to return to my previous random activities like driving down Embassy Row, past the cathedral and Rock Creek Park; the Georgetown waterfront; springtime cherry blossoms; and of course, the Lincoln Memorial.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 13, 2009   #5
This made me smile. You have worked very hard on this essay, and it shows.

I like this a lot.
OP ashc79 1 / 4  
Oct 14, 2009   #6
Wow thank you so much. Now just hope I get in!!


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