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I have tried to be the best son in the world (applying to some IVY schools)


kimj321 2 / 5  
Aug 11, 2010   #1
Saying is one thing and doing another.
I always say to my parents that I love them, but I made them unhappy many times. I always try to hide my bad grade and sometimes lie to them to make them happy only at the moment. Before I had left to America, I never knew that family takes the biggest part of my heart. First few weeks after I was in America, I was really happy to get out of parents' eyes and I was having a hard time to adjust new environment: American high school and English society. After a month, I felt that I lost big protective boundary that defense me from outer world. I had to overcome and make through my life without the family boundary. Since then, I have tried to be the best son in the world.

-I will apply some IVY schools. please feel free to make correction and give suggestion to make better sentences.
monicacho 3 / 17  
Aug 11, 2010   #2
I don't know other ones, but...
Before I had left for America,
I think 'for' will be better. 'for' shows direction.

good luck~~
OP kimj321 2 / 5  
Aug 11, 2010   #3
how about structure, flow and sentence development?
thx monicaho
frankeinsteinz 1 / 9  
Aug 11, 2010   #4
It's too much telling, and meanwhile does not say what you did. I suggest you to write a new one, just pick one activity in your EC list.
OP kimj321 2 / 5  
Aug 12, 2010   #5
i want to express how i feel about my family love.
ur opinion is rewriting specific example and express my feeling. Right?
zengrz - / 92  
Aug 12, 2010   #6
Hi.

I love my family too, but if I were you, I would probably have elaborated a little bit more rather than just writing some things that is general enough to describe the other 4765 students going to America each year.

Show them how you have tried to become the best son, what you have learned, and how you, or your love for your family, have changed. Including these will make your essay much stronger, unique and clearer. Deliver your thoughts to them and show them the way you feel.

Is this your commons application essay? If not then I think I am mistaken.

G L~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 13, 2010   #7
I always try to hide my bad grades, and sometimes lied to them to make them happy only for a moment.

Before I had left to go to America, I never knew that family takes the biggest part of my heart. ---- good sentence!!!

During my first few weeks after I was in America, I was really ...

I like your ideas! Keep practicing, because you had some verb tense mistakes, but I think you are doing very well! How long is your essay supposed to be?
OP kimj321 2 / 5  
Aug 13, 2010   #8
less than 150 it's for short answer essay.
i appreciate ur help and cheering.^;)
frankeinsteinz 1 / 9  
Aug 13, 2010   #9
I'm not quite sure if you can write about the love to your family in an essay of one activity or work experience. What you showed here seems to be a whole process.

Just my 2 cent
qpnguyen 2 / 5  
Aug 16, 2010   #10
I really like your topic but maybe elaborate on it. Some parts feel very cliche-y.
freezard7734 17 / 209  
Aug 16, 2010   #11
Saying is one thing and doing another.

Very true ^^. I want to comment on this quote though. I think it should be catchier, since you are using an aphorism to kick off your essay. Imagine you are Benjamin Franklin and how he would say this. In other words, try to be wittier :]

I left for Australia to travel and to learn English when I was 10 years old with my agents.

This sentence is suffering a misplaced modifier. This happens when you take a prepositional phrase and put it the wrong place, making the sentence have a slightly different (or sometimes, hilariously different ;) meaning. I think what you are saying is:

"I left with my agents for Australia to travel and to learn English when I was 10 years old."

I was really happy to get out ofescape my parents' eyes and I played Halo, which was the bestmost popularX-Box game at that time, every day.

Some corrections. I also noted that you have a habit of starting a lot of your sentences with "I." Not to be offensive, but many find that boring. You should vary your sentences, using simple, compound, and complex ones throughout your essay. This will liven your essay up.

When I heard my mother's voice say, " Son, are you fine? How about food?,"

This is the first time I ever felt really family love because the love is hard to recognize important people when they are around, but it is easily recognized when they are not around.

Here, I'm not sure what you are talking about here. This sentence is very convoluted. Try to divide this sentence into two and to make them clearer.

Some parts feel very cliche-y.

I think so too. But don't fear. Even if this kind of story sounds familiar, the best way to personalize it is to elaborate on it, as Quynh said. Elaborate on how you made them unhappy at times and why you felt love at that point in time. Remember, only you know all your experiences and the reader doesn't, so you will have to fill us in on that.


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