My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective

Describe range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

In reflecting on the events of my life, none have impacted me more than my trip "across the pond". It was mid November when I received a brochure from People to People Student Ambassador Programs to join them for the experience of a lifetime. Along with students from my surrounding area I experienced global immersion. Ireland was a place that I had always wanted to go through out my short young life. I took initiative to enroll in the program and attend an information meeting. I was captivated by every aspect of the presentation, the itinerary opened up a window of opportunity unavailable to the regular traveler. As Student Ambassadors we were more than that; we represented the best of the best of student travel.

This trip was a pathway into my intellectual puberty. From the first month that preparation began to our final days abroad, life obstacles seemed to fade beneath my feet. Melting into my character with each step, In preparation I attended state briefings with senators, and political delegates as well as classroom based lessons concentrating on the various aspects that compose a country. These distinct opportunities whisked me away into another world; unattainable for the "average" thirteen year old. Each additional piece of information conceived my worldly outlook and broadened my view on knowledge itself. more importantly i adopted the philosophy that there is no better way to do something than to witness it first hand, taking education out of the classroom.

A great Doctor of the Catholic Church, Saint Augustine of Hippo is famously quoted with saying, " The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." I find inspiration in the great theologian's words, exploring the unique characteristics around the world provides direct insight. Similar to how a great book provides a view into a cultures customs and unique society. Knowledge is limited, when only one single excerpt from a book is read, it is hardly a taste of what is yet to be explored. The knowledge I learned by direct immersion in the Emerald Isles was incomparable to any lesson in a classroom.

Now as a door begins to close on my adolescence I have learned to react and express myself in reasonable proportion. My travel experiences have acted as a pivotal gateway in the classroom. I was gifted with a life long opportunity to travel to Ireland, England and Wales for a unique travel experience. The knowledge I have gained has helped me to connect many lessons in the classroom and springboard to new learning. I am certain that this diverse perspective will not only help me adapt to the challenges of college life but also bring an element of insight and freshness to my future college friendships and classrooms.

I think that this should be rephrased to have "I" after the first clause because you're the one 'reflecting on the events of my life"

So maybe something like:
In reflecting on the events of my life, I have not been impacted more than my trip across "the pond."

I also think that quoting solely 'the pond' rather than 'across the pond' fits a bit better...but I think that's personal preference.


Splitting this into two sentences or using a semi-colon instead of a comma would fit better I think.


Using a colon instead of the comma helps the preceding clause build on the next one and would add a stronger emphasis on the point you're making.


I think cutting out 'In preparation' would help the sentence flow a lot better.


Instead of the semicolon, I'd use a comma and say:
...into another world, a world unattainable...
What do you think?

Other than that, it was a good essay and I wanted to continue reading on. I liked how you didn't come out with Ireland until the middle of the beginning paragraph; it kept me tuned to the essay.

Something I was thinking about was maybe changing the quote to be the last line of the essay? I'm not sure how it would fit, but it was just an idea. I wouldn't know how it would impact your essay topic.

Good job!

This sentence doesn't do much except repeat a part of the prompt. I'd start the essay from the second one -- it will have a greater impact. Then I'd somehow incorporate that "trip across the pond" thing in the rest of the essay. That is just my opinion; you can disagree.


Isn't "throughout" one word?


The highlighted part -- why is it there? The sentence looks better without it.


I think it should be "gained".


Like what?

layne001 how would you recommend moving my quote to the last paragraph? I am kind of stuck

thank you for the comments they were very helpful

Well it was just an idea I was throwing out...I'm not sure how you'd do it without rewriting a significant portion of the structure and order behind the essay. Still, the way you have it now is really good. I was just asking if you were interested in that.

Now that I think about it, the way you have it now probably fits the best.

What you could do to make the essay more interesting is instead of starting the last paragraph as "Now as a door begins to close on my adolescence..." you could write as such:

"As the pages of my adolescence become a chapter read..."
or
"With the turn of the chapter of my adolescence..."
or something else. I think if you tie this in with the context of the book of life quote then you can make this essay even better.

Hey Ryan, you write very well, and I want to help you improve by showing you the Nutrageous method, which I have just made up.

As you may or may not know, nutrageous is a candy bar with a lot of nuts. If it had only a few, it would have to be called "Mildly Nuttish." To make an essay nutrageous, eliminate all phrases that do not accomplish something. The best thing to accomplish is to make the reader EXPERIENCE something, but another thing you sometimes have to do is tell what needs to be told. So... tell what needs to be told without using too many words... like this:

In reflecting on the events of my life, none have impacted me more than my trip "across the pond". It was mid November when I received a brochure from People to People Student Ambassador Programs to join them for the experience of a lifetime.

I took out everything that was not meaningful or useful.
I took a "trip across the pond" with the People to People Student Ambassador Program, which is a ______ (tell what it is all about.)

But this is not a good sentence to begin with because it does not punch the reader in the stomach. Punch the reader in the stomach with something that is intriguing.

Nothing about me would ever be the same after my "trip across the pond."--- this would be a good start. Explain later.

This first para is pretty solid!

I think you should precede this with a topic sentence:
A great Doctor of the Catholic Church, Saint Augustine of Hippo is famously quoted with as saying... ---- know what I mean? Give the main idea of the paragraph, and then use this quote to substantiate or explain what you mean.

Now as a door begins to close on my adolescence I have learned to react and express myself in reasonable proportion. --- cool sentence!
Notice, though, how less is more:
Now As a door begins to close on my adolescence, I have learned to react and express myself in reasonable proportion.

I'm glad you are participating here.