prompt:In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
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In 2007, I went on an English learning trip to LA for 2 weeks. In the very beginning, I faced many obstacles: During the whole flight and passing customs, I had an intense stomachache. I could not get used to eating whole wheat bread for breakfast and Cheetos for lunch. Moreover, I needed to look up the words in the dictionary when I talked with the Americans. In a tranquil night, I could not help myself from crying and felt loneliness invaded my mind and heart in the alien land. The next day morning, I made a phone call and complained to my father. But he just said 'did you forget the meaning of your name'. I was embarrassed.
My Chinese name is Jingfei, which means grass growing flourishingly. Grass contains a strong life although it is tiny. Suddenly, I calmed down and realized that I should never give up- this is the meaning of my name.
Life was much better after several days. In Wal-Mart, I delight found the food, a kind of semi-produced food, containing with potato mash and chicken drums, fitted my appetite.
During my stay in LA, I had a great challenge in the Disney land. At first, I was exhilarated to look at my favorite Mickey Mouse. However, I could not predict that the big challenge was waiting for me－I was separated from our companies. At once, I got flurried. "I have no cell phone. I'm in a foreign country. What can I do?" I tried my best to calm down. "Yeah, I'm the strongest grass and nothing can beat me." "I have the map so that I can visit Disney by myself." This was the first time that I visit a place without companies. I began to visit theme parks along the road. I played many games, went shopping and watched the parade. Quickly the evening comes. "Now I can find the way to the entrance and meet with my companies." I took out my map and found my location after a second. Then I set several milestones to find the destination. I was excited when I found the first place. Then the second, third and forth came. I saw the bronze statue of Mickey Mouse and his father! I ran through the main street cheerfully. I saw my companies are waving to me. The visit of Disney ended with the splendid fireworks.
The trip to LA is much more than an English or culture learning experience. I felt that I really grew up can take care of myself even without my parents. This trip made me live up the meaning o my name and become the unyielding grass.
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At first, my essay has 600 word and now I cut it down to 450. But it still never to be cut down. Moreover, is there any problem in my struture and content.
thk
I think you need to focus more on what you learned from this experience, not what you did.
There is also a sentence that needs correction: " In Wal-Mart, I delight found the food, a kind of semi-produced food, containing with potato mash and chicken drums, fitted my appetite." It should be: "I delightly found foods -- mashed potatoes and chicken drumsticks -- that matched my appetite."
Other than that, I couldn't find any more errors. Good luck on your applications! :)
But he just asked, "Did you forget the meaning of your name?" I was embarrassed.
Look at the small changes I made above. Capitalization and comma. Try writing a sentence the same way.
Like this:
But I asked her, "Why do you have such a big nose?" She was embarrassed.
In Wal-Mart, I delight found the food delightful. A k ind of semi-processed food, containing with potato mash and chicken drums, fitted my appetite.
Make the body of the essay shorter, and make the conclusion longer. Make it so that there are fewer details and more reflection. Also, add some discussion about your future.
:-)
I think the essay will be stronger if you focused on ONE specific event. Write it in great detail and explain what you learned from it.
Also, I recommend you showing the essay to your English teacher and have him/her make some edits.
Good luck.
