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Trip to Disneyland/Leadership Common App


shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
(For Stanford)

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

There I was, my red patent shoes tapping across the wooden floors, bright white tights displayed under the neat puff of my Minnie Mouse dress. The signature red velvet bow and black ears perfected the look, but today, I was not just a cute little blonde girl; today, I was on a mission. After countless hours of twirling in my dress, begging my parents to take me to Disneyland for my fifth birthday, I had finally persuaded them to make my dream come true.

Twelve years later, I would find myself in high school, using all of my persuasion to convince the parents, teachers, and administration comprising my school's governing body, the Drake Leadership Council (DLC) to let me organize a senior trip to Disneyland. Surely I've had more grandeur undertakings than this one, but this was Disneyland. I sat there, prepared as I could be, one against fifty more qualified and experienced speakers. Being back at DLC reminded me of what it was like serving as a student representative for my freshman and sophomore years; the room would fill with tension as heated debates would arise over various, often trivial issues. As nervous as I was, I would always keep my opinions to myself. I knew I was persuasive and a very good public speaker and debater, but my anxiety held me back from being an integral part of the adult dominated discussions.

I had grown since then, no longer the shy underclassman appointed to represent my grade. In my four years in the leadership program, I never consciously realized that I was changing, but as I assumed greater responsibility in riskier endeavors like becoming the chairperson of the school-wide Blood Drive, I began to transform into a new person. I felt empowered by what I was capable of planning and executing, and as I was mastering how our campus worked I was also learning about myself; out of many of the group projects I worked on, I was the one who emerged as the responsible leader and was looked up to by others for guidance. My developing perseverance, organizational skills and fervency gave me the confidence to assert myself rather than continue as an anonymous girl at a school meeting. Today, I wasn't going to let anyone hold me back from pitching my ideas and achieving my goal; I was no longer plagued with intimidation and could firmly stand my ground.

As I sat adjacent to the Principal, conveying my ideas to the room while being told that I was being economically unrealistic and simply impractical, it occurred to me that I was no longer a little girl; I couldn't rely on dressing up like minnie mouse to achieve my goal, nor could I sit idle, expecting things to miraculously go my way. Amongst the discouragement flooding the room, I assured myself: I am persistent. If I want Disneyland, it is not in my nature to settle for something lesser, not Great America nor Marine World. I wasn't there to be appeased, and thus it would take a lot more than a committee of angry teachers to stop me from getting what I wanted.

Tabling my motion and coming back with a stronger presentation at the next meeting, I managed to get 94% of the committee members present to vote on the motion allowing me to move forward with the trip. I had eloquently addressed the exasperating rejections from many of the teachers with a professional demeanor, keeping level headed with my goal in mind. I came out of that meeting feeling triumphant. While the daunting tasks of convincing 75% of my class along with twenty chaperones to participate lays ahead, I'm not doubting myself. I feel confidently that I can overcome the hurdles that already are presenting themselves as well as those that I have yet to reach.

I've finally realized that I can achieve many things regardless of what seems to be in my way, because the only real thing that can stop me is my own hesitation. Through my newfound sense of confidence, I have matured, into a strong willed young woman and a capable leader, but the part of me that's never really changed is what fuels my desire to use my acquired skills to accomplish my goals.
OP shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 21, 2009   #2
any help at all would be appreciated thanks :)
sportybluei 7 / 40  
Dec 21, 2009   #3
How you tied your experience as a 5 year old and now as a 17 year old is really interesting.

For second paragraph, you don't want to sound like you're bragging by saying that you were a very "good public speaker and debater." I think that part shows in the latter part of your essay, when you persuaded a whole lot of teachers to go to disneyland.

For the third paragraph, you could give details of how you became a good leader. Some memories?

For the fourth paragraphs, i don't think you would want to make your teachers sound as too realistic and too stubborn. Mabye softening the tone could help.

Otherwise, your essay is really interesting. :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
Surely I've had more grandeur undertakings than this one, but this was Disneyland.

I don't thing grandeur can be used as an adjective. Mabe this sentence should be revised, because I don't know what you mean to say.

...dressing up like Minnie Mouse to achieve my goal, nor could I sit idle, expecting things to miraculously go my way.

I wasn't there to be appeased, and thus it would take a lot more than a committee of angry teachers to stop me from getting what I wanted.

Okay, I stared at this for a long time, and what I think is that it seems like you are trying to make the issue about overcoming adversity when it actually was not so much adversity. It seems like this should be presented as evidence of your organizational skills and writing skills but not as a matter of overcoming adversity. It would be nice if you made this a humorous essay. Save the seriousness for other matters, and let this be a light hearted essay. There is a limit to how seriously you can write about overcoming adversity and demanding to be heard when you are writing about a trip to Disney Land. I hope my criticism is not discouraging to you!!


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