Hey!
I really need help with my essay for the University of Florida. I feel it's a little boring anf maybe off topic. Any critique, suggestions on improvements, and opinions will be greatly appreciated. Also please check grammar.
Thanks!!
Topic...
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
My essay...
As children, we all aspire to be something great whether it is an astronaut, a teacher, or a doctor. We all envision making a positive impact on society and doing great things. Yet, as I visited India and Egypt one summer, I quickly realized that many of the children living here do not have or even want a proper education to achieve their dreams. As I walked the crowded streets, I saw children as young as five famished and begging for food and money. When I asked my uncle, who lives in India, whether these children have ever been to school, he replied that many of the children were already adapted to this life and school was out of their reach. As I went to Egypt, I discovered the situation was the same; young children working in harsh environments and doing manual labor with no education. This moment got me thinking that these children must suffer a life of poverty and illiteracy and they will never have the chance to fulfill their true dreams. To be honest, I used to take granted of the education that I have received, an education that many around the world do not have. I, as well as many other teenagers, view school as a cumbersome duty as opposed to an honored privilege that it is. However, from that point, I vowed to appreciate the education that I received as well as to try to excel in my education the best I could.
My parents have always pushed me into getting a good education but I never understood why it was so imperative until this trip in the sixth grade. As I talked to some of these children, many of whom have not even heard the word university, I began to understand my responsibility as a student and what I could provide the world with a proper education. My responsibility as a student is to have a genuine desire to learn, to be open- minded, to respect others opinions but never lose my own, and to do my best at anything that is ahead of me. It is my job to receive an education so I can one day fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor and helping people around the world.
As I boarded the plane to go to India and Egypt, I was excited to go and explore new cultures and traditions; however, I came home with a new understanding and appreciation of school. I am fortunate enough to know what I want to do with my life and that I have the means to accomplish it. I know comprehend what a privilege it would be to expand my education by attending the University of Florida. I decided to further my education by entering the International Baccalaureate program in high school and now I want to excel at the University of Florida. At the University of Florida, I will continue to learn, carry on, and teach the morals and responsibility that I grew up with.
To be honest, I used to take for granted of the education that I have received, an education that many around the world do not have.
... as opposed to the an honored privilege that it is. However, from that point, I vowed to appreciate the education that I received as well as to try to excel in my education the best I could.----- You had me thinking you were going to vow to help improve education in poor countries, but then you took this different approach. Let's see if you say anything later in the essay about wanting to help them...
... fulfill my dream of becoming a doctor and helping people around the world.--- Yep, I see that you do, but I would like you to mention wanting to be a physician at the end of the first paragraph, and in this second paragraph describe what kind of medicien you want to practice. The second para, as it is now, is boring and repeats the ideas from the first para.
This essay is pretty good! Mention something again at the end about those poor kids, and discuss much more about your philosophy of medicine and what specifically you want to do as a physician.
