i enjoyed writing this one, to me i think it answers the question but im in need of someone elses opinion. please criticize as much as you like from relevancy , style or grammar thank you so much in advance.
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am a curious person. I am dedicated and have a thirst for knowledge. Now curiosity at times has a negative connotation -- after all, it did kill the cat didn't it? But it is what killed the cat that made me stronger. So how does curiosity make me the person that I am? It pushes me to want to know the unknown, to want to do the inexperienced, and to always want more. With that being said I think my trip to Europe is the perfect example of where my inquisitive nature takes me.
From a young age I have always dreamed that one day I will travel the world by myself. As a daughter of conservative parents who live in a judgmental society I was aware that this would be a challenge. But I did not despair, because I knew that my persistent nature will find a way --and so it did. To my joy, when I hit 18 my dream transformed into a trip to France. Taking advantage of this opportunity, I decided to live in France for a couple of months. After all, where better to learn my third language than its origins? I chose to study French in a city named Biarritz located in the south. I did so because I knew that little spoke English there and so I would have to adapt quickly in order to live. I also enjoyed its close proximity to Spain because I knew that I would take advantage of it.
At first living in France was extremely difficult, the language barrier made everyday tasks near impossible. But it was not too long before it became my second home. On the weekdays, I would study by day and explore Biarritz and neighboring towns by night. On the weekends I would take the bus or train and go on little adventures to unknown territories. Some of my adventures lead me to Paris, where I met the Monalisa in the Louvre, and climbed the stairs of the Eiffel tour. To Eze where I learnt how some of my favorite perfumes, such as Coco Chanel, is made-- and even made my very own. Other adventures lead me to Pamplona, Spain where I ran with the bulls and finally discovered the secret behind their hot chocolate. And the Pyrenees, where I tried white water rafting and jumped off a 40 feet cliff into the river.
Curiosity, it makes me who I am, and who I aspire to be; an inquisitive, adventurous, and social soul. I am always up for a challenge. I am appreciative of what I have, yet will take advantage of every opportunity given to me. Curiosity makes me who I am; because while I may not have 9 lives, I intend to live the one I have to the fullest.
Good afternoon :)
Some mechanical corrections. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. For instance, "didn't" should be "did not." Also, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
In regards to content, great job! The only thing I wonder is how this curiosity makes you proud? More expansion on that would greatly improve the piece. Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks for your input on my personal statement!
You may choose to not take this advice, but I have always been taught to not ask questions (rhetorical or otherwise) in formal writing. Instead you could look at the question you've written and replace it with the answer. This is by no means a strict rule, so you may choose to keep the questions to add character.
The first sentence of the second paragraph is a bit awkward. Maybe try "From a young age I had always dreamed of one day traveling the world by myself."
A couple grammatical errors in the last paragraph: "Curiosity, it makes me who I am, and who I aspire to be: an inquisitive, adventurous, and social soul. I am always up for a challenge. I am appreciative of what I have, yet will take advantage of every opportunity given to me. Curiosity makes me who I am, because while I may not have nine lives, I intend to live the one I have to the fullest."
As Gloria wrote, be sure to clearly state how your inquisitive nature makes you proud, even if it feels like you have already implied that earlier in the essay.
Your essay is clear and very interesting. I liked the way you carried through with the cat analogy at the end in particular. Overall, really great job!
By the way, I am very jealous of your trip to Europe! It sounds absolutely spectacular!
Thanks for the help with mine :]
I agree with our elite member up there in that it does not quite accomplish the "What makes you proud" portion of the prompt. However, I think the structure and details of your examples are very nicely tied in together in that it shows that you are a "curious" person. I enjoyed reading this one also because this is very similar to my life, I've also spent time in France for 2 years and I think your details on describing your difficult life there describes it quite well.
I thought it was quite a bit repetitive in the conclusion along with few grammatical errors as mentioned above but perhaps the repetition was intended to emphasize your point. Other than that, I think it's a pretty nice essay.
omg thanks! you guys are awesome. i will definitely be using this.
and yes the repetition was done to emphasize but perhaps ill go another route. this was my first draft, i shall work on it some more.
thanks again!!
p.s: the trip was pretty awesome ;)
