Hi
Please help me revise the essay. It is little over 1000 characters. Which part should I cut off? Comments are welcomed!!
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum= 250 words)
My parents taught me the importance of first-hand experience from traveling. Since I was a child, I have had the opportunity of voyaging around the world. This is why I love traveling so much. Traveling experience has built me to become an individual who is open, strong yet considerate. September 3rd 2011 marks the beginning of a significant juncture during which I took a semester off to travel to Guatemala. With passion, I desired to learn Spanish and the Latin American culture from having many Hispanic friends. Traveling alone offered me more chances to see and feel the Latin country in a way that I would not have experienced otherwise.
I am very proud of my incomparable and memorable experience in Central America. I made my first tortilla in my life, went to go see the Mayan pyramids in Tikal, and went on a cave tour only with candles. I fell off a horse when I first tried to canter. The pain I had for several days was not a mere agony but an honorable wound. Plus, who could have imagined that one day I would be holding a baby sea turtle in my own hand, be at the ruins of one of the most advanced civilizations in the world, and swim in an exotic cave? This trip was just a whole new undertaking for me. It opened in me a new perspective of Latin American culture which I understand now better than any time of my life.
My parents taught me the importance of first-hand experience from traveling.
You could say: I gained first-hand experience by traveling with my parents. (maybe you should specify- experience in what?? life? travel?)
This is why I love traveling so much.
"This" doesn't seem to refer to anything- omit this part, or give a real reason for wanting to travel.
My experience in t raveling experience has built me to become an individual who is open, strong, yetand considerate individual.
September 3rd 2011 marks the beginning of a significant juncture during which I took a semester off to travel to Guatemala.
If you are trying to remove some content, you could take away the exact date in this sentence.
I fell off a horse when I first tried to canter. The pain I had for several days was not a mere agony but an honorable wound.
Here is another notion that you could shorten or omit from your essay, to stay under the word limit.
Very good explanation. You could just fix this sentence:
With passion, I desired to learn Spanish and the Latin American culture from having many Hispanic friends.
To:
I greatly desired to learn Spanish and more about Latin American culture after being exposed to them through my Hispanic friends.
Thanks Jenny and Saira!!! :D I really appreciate your help.
I made it shorter. What do you think? Tell me if this is strong short answer or not~
Since I was a child, I have had the opportunity of voyaging around the world. I love traveling because I enjoy meeting local people, experiencing new culture and food. My experience in traveling has built me to become an open, strong and considerate individual. With the passion to learn Spanish and the assimilate culture, I traveled to Spain and Guatemala. September 3rd 2011 marks the beginning of a significant juncture during which I took a semester off to travel to Guatemala. Being the only Asian girl in Guatemala was an interesting experience. Wherever I went, people stared at me and they were so surprised when I started to talk to them in Spanish. Traveling alone offered me more chances to see and feel the non-tourist side of Latin America. I had my incomparable and memorable experience such as making my first tortilla in my life, visiting the Mayan pyramids in Tikal, and going on a cave tour only with candles. This trip was just a whole new undertaking for me. It opened in me a new perspective of Latin American culture which I understand now better than any time of my life.
Great job! I have a few more suggestions on your wording, just some ideas :)
I love traveling because I enjoy meeting local people, experiencing new cultures and food.
My experience in traveling has built me up to be an open, strong and considerate individual.
With the passion to learn Spanish and the assimilate culture, I traveled to Spain and Guatemala. (not sure if "assimilate" is the best word here)
I had my incomparable and memorable experiences, such as making my first tortilla in my life , visiting the Mayan pyramids in Tikal, and going on a cave tour only with candles.
