trivial video game - Pomona supplement-What I do for fun

I feel like this essay is not long enough. There is no word limit. Please let me know what you think!

Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

The rapid tempo was the devil to keep up with. My palms slowly accumulated sweat and my quadriceps were becoming excruciatingly sore from pumping up and down on the pedal. My left hand relentlessly tapped the hi-hat cymbals, while my right tried to perform the complex solo that was so crucial to the overall success of the song. Madison's fingers moved rapidly on her guitar, Joanna on the base, and Leslie wailed the lyrics of Livin' on a Prayer, a Bon Jovi song. Our band, Snuggle Cyberspace, was on its way to fame and rock band legend. We had extended our influence to San Francisco, Los Angeles, and even London and Dublin. Ok, ok, I admit we are not actually a band. We were just playing our fifth hour of Rock Band on my friend's Xbox. Though we were all red eyed and weary, our band was known for its resilience. The objective of the game was to survive through the song without missing too many of the multicolored notes approaching the bottom of the screen. At last, after our sixth attempt, Snuggle Cyberspace finally completed the tourïgaining thousands of new virtual fans. One might ask, why did we waste hours on this seemingly trivial video game? It gave us an opportunity for our imagination to expand into unreachable horizons. Truthfully speaking, what are my chances of mastering the drums and actually touring Europe with a newly pierced navel? Almost nada. Hence, rocking out to tunes in a virtual underground music contest is a refreshing, feasible breath of air for a rather non-punk girl equipped only with the ability to dream big.

I really like this essay, but the part between "our band was known for its resilience. The objective of the game" is not connected.

I really enjoyed the descriptions and the ending as well. However, the "ability to dream big." part might be a little cliched.

Please check my essay as well!

I love the fact that you have an essay about music, even if it is just rock band!
Anyway, a few things I noticed:


Bass instead of base? And maybe have her doing something as well. You have Madison jamming some riffs, and Leslie singing, so maybe having Joanna doing something on the bass, even something as simple as strumming the strings on her bass.


The newly pierced navel part seems a bit extraneous. Maybe replacing it with an entourage or a tour bus or something that may be more relatable to the topic.

Other than that, I liked it, and it was on-prompt.

If you could help me out with my essays, it would be great!

Ohhhh hahah ok thank you! Is my essay long enough though? Should I include more about myself?